January 3, 2024 at 6:01 pm #426718StarParticipant
This is my first post. I am 63 years old and an empath. I have no problems sharing/showing my emotions and feel the emotions of others quite easily. I am an ENFP if anyone prescribes to Myers-Brigg. I am now retired, but my most “me” career was working as a social worker. Throughout my life when reaching out for professional help, my favorite therapist would often remind me that I was “putting the carriage before the horse.” I am quite intelligent, but my heart and emotions prompt my actions many times before I actually think through the best course of action. I still do this and my emotions get the best of me quite often.
I am curious if anyone has found ways of how to avoid this. Looking forward to any and all ideas. Thanks!
StarJanuary 3, 2024 at 8:36 pm #426730anitaParticipant
Dear Star: I would like to read and reply to you in about 10 hours from now.
anitaJanuary 4, 2024 at 3:59 am #426733RobertaParticipant
Heart versus Head, use both. With empathy you were probably the kind of social worker whose your clients felt they were being heard and with your intellect you could help them with solutions. In buddhism we are encouraged to grow and use both wisdom and compassion equally like two wings of a bird.
I am curious what are you doing in your retirement? Have you found something/s that feeds both sides of you.
If people did not dream or have vision we would still be living in caves. For many years I wanted to find a permanent space for our local pop up preschool, I had previously rented a couple of allotments for the children to improve their access to the outdoors. Just this before the end of 2023 with the help of my son’s in laws we have now bought the freehold on a property that we will convert for the use of the community. This was led by my hearts wish and I had dismissed several properties using my head ie wrong location/size/too expensive. Then I bumped into the owner of the property that I had always felt would be ideal and funnily enough he also thought that his resturant-bar would make a great nursery school so within a month it was ours.
So it is definitely possible to live in harmony, understanding how you want to live your life & what are you core values also learning how to accept your emotions and how to harness their power and not suppress them in a negative way. I can get a bit gungho with my thoughts & ideas & I have to remind myself to stay open to others thoughts and that they may have a better ideas & a different way of doing something good.
Wishing you all the best on your retirement journey
RobertaJanuary 4, 2024 at 8:30 am #426734anitaParticipant
Welcome to the forums! According to very well mind. com, the first most popular ENFP (Extraverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving) career is Psychologist, and the 7th is Social worker, your “most ‘me’ career“.
It reads that there are two ENFP subtypes: ENFP-A: someone who is an ENFP-A is known as an “Assertive Campaigner“. This ENFP subtype tends t be more confident and has more emotional control in their relationships, and ENFP-T: known as “Turbulent Campaigners“, often have less confidence and less emotional control, also experiencing more anxiety when dealing with everyday stress.
16 personality types. com reads (I am adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “It may be important to note that, when compared to the average of all Turbulent individuals from all personality types, Turbulent Campaigners are more likely to say they consider themselves to be successful. This difference may be due in part to Campaigners’ independent spirit. They are more likely to decide that success is whatever they decide success is. Living by their own standards may give them an edge over those who live by the standards of others….
“Assertive Campaigners are less affected by stressors in their lives because they tend to feel more confident in their ability to handle them… Assertive Campaigners believe to a more substantial degree than Turbulent Campaigners that they can maintain a positive focus during bad times… Turbulent Campaigners as a group are less likely than Assertive Campaigners to lay claim to control over their emotions…
“Too much control over emotions can be as damaging as too little control. If there is too much control, Assertive Campaigners can come across as colder and more aloof than Turbulent Campaigners might. Such detachment can leave them appearing a bit arrogant. Again, it’s all relative. Neither personality variant lacks warmth. But Turbulent Campaigners may be able to show their humanity to others a little more quickly and a little more deeply than their Assertive counterparts.
“Summary: * Assertive Campaigners are much more likely to say they see themselves in a positive light than Turbulent Campaigners. *Turbulent Campaigners tend to hang on to their mistakes longer than their Assertive counterparts… * More Assertive Campaigners say they deal effectively with stressors and have control over their emotions. This difference can represent both an advantage and disadvantage in life for either Campaigner personality type. * Research suggests different levels of concern over the opinions of others. Turbulent Campaigners are likely to look for the approval of others, while Assertive Campaigners prefer independence from the appraisal of others.”
Back to your post, Star: “I am quite intelligent, but my heart and emotions prompt my actions many times before I actually think through the best course of action. I still do this and my emotions get the best of me quite often“- reads like a Turbulent Campaigner.
“Throughout my life when reaching out for professional help, my favorite therapist would often remind me that I was ‘putting the carriage before the horse.’.. I am curious if anyone has found ways of how to avoid this. Looking forward to any and all ideas“-
Every day while I take my walk, I repeat in my mind the following: NPARR: Notice, Pause, Address, Respond-or-not, Redirect”. This is what it means to me: first, I Notice when I feel a particular turbulence within me (using the language of the above quotes), noticing that I feel anxious, or overthinking. I direct my attention to the turbulence.
Next, I Pause: I don’t say or do anything as a response to the internal turbulence. Instead of (using your language) of putting the carriage before the horse, I don’t touch the horse or the cart. I do nothing. Instead of allowing an energy-in-motion (e-motion), an impulse, an automatic reaction/ a habit to take me with it wherever it will, I pause.
Next, I Address the situation: what is really happening? What is underneath the turbulence? I clear my vision from the dust created by the turbulence, and with a cleared vision, I see the bigger picture. I then ask myself: what would be an effective response- if any- to what is happening or happened- guided by my chosen values.
Next, I Respond- or- not: I say or do something, or not.
And lastly, I Redirect: think about something else, do something else, get my attention away from the situation I addressed.
More thoughts: further protect the Campaigners’ independent spirit, your independent spirit, from the dust created by any emotion that happens to move through you, particularly habitual emotions and thoughts that have not served you well in the past, so that your independent spirit shines the brightest. Maintain a positive focus on reality while still seeing reality (the reality within and without) as it is, the reality within and without. Further develop confidence in your ability to endure many difficulties and thrive nonetheless.