i am 51, have a debilitating chronic illness that is flaring…and in the last couple years, come to understand what that really means, and have read my life story over and over in another forum. My father raised me like a little adult. Very harsh, very critical with no room for error. There was no empathy, often disgust and I did the best I could to be as independent as possible. He remarried when I was 13 and a new person appeared. He couldn’t do enough, give enough, empathize enough or protect my stepmother and siblings. He remained the same to me. I was the youngest, still in high school and had to work to buy a car to get to school, and support a horse I’d rescued years ago, my best friend.

this dynamic never changed. I won’t go into the details, I need a solution to heal. A real roadmap. I lost my stepson a year and a half ago and when he emailed condolences and my husband spoke to him (he called to ask if I could be more supportive toward me) he was irate I hadn’t shared the email w him. Then he blew up at me asking what the hell was wrong with me, not sharing that 2 days after Gray was killed. He first texted me to get his biological mothers info to send cards and flowers. (Met her once). I lost it. After years of calls, emails, shredding me into my 30’s for perceived slights to stepsiblings… to multipage letters describing his disappointment after a visit because I tried bringing up something from the past…

i lost it after the nasty email and told him no more contact vie text. Unfortunately I was so angry and so hurt I just lost it.

There have been a few attempts at neutral, surface communication. He either misses me greatly or is bashing me for something ridiculous. The rest of the family thinks I’m mean and there is nothing I can do. My own brother, who used to get it to a lesser Degree, tells me I’m making a mistake.

I want to heal, from the constant memories, intrusive thoughts, it’s affecting me and I believe I will feel physically better. Learning it had so much to do with who I became… a very empathetic person, independent, have always worked at equine rescues, or w adults w disabilities. Helping, feeling responsible for others.

Now I need to help myself. Specific resources? I’ve just started w a therapist…

i want to be free from what I’ve learned is ptsd from that, and other things.

thanks for any direction, what worked for you, resources…..

c