August 5, 2019 at 10:40 am #306657
i am 51, have a debilitating chronic illness that is flaring…and in the last couple years, come to understand what that really means, and have read my life story over and over in another forum. My father raised me like a little adult. Very harsh, very critical with no room for error. There was no empathy, often disgust and I did the best I could to be as independent as possible. He remarried when I was 13 and a new person appeared. He couldn’t do enough, give enough, empathize enough or protect my stepmother and siblings. He remained the same to me. I was the youngest, still in high school and had to work to buy a car to get to school, and support a horse I’d rescued years ago, my best friend.
this dynamic never changed. I won’t go into the details, I need a solution to heal. A real roadmap. I lost my stepson a year and a half ago and when he emailed condolences and my husband spoke to him (he called to ask if I could be more supportive toward me) he was irate I hadn’t shared the email w him. Then he blew up at me asking what the hell was wrong with me, not sharing that 2 days after Gray was killed. He first texted me to get his biological mothers info to send cards and flowers. (Met her once). I lost it. After years of calls, emails, shredding me into my 30’s for perceived slights to stepsiblings… to multipage letters describing his disappointment after a visit because I tried bringing up something from the past…
i lost it after the nasty email and told him no more contact vie text. Unfortunately I was so angry and so hurt I just lost it.
There have been a few attempts at neutral, surface communication. He either misses me greatly or is bashing me for something ridiculous. The rest of the family thinks I’m mean and there is nothing I can do. My own brother, who used to get it to a lesser Degree, tells me I’m making a mistake.
I want to heal, from the constant memories, intrusive thoughts, it’s affecting me and I believe I will feel physically better. Learning it had so much to do with who I became… a very empathetic person, independent, have always worked at equine rescues, or w adults w disabilities. Helping, feeling responsible for others.
Now I need to help myself. Specific resources? I’ve just started w a therapist…
i want to be free from what I’ve learned is ptsd from that, and other things.
thanks for any direction, what worked for you, resources…..
cAugust 5, 2019 at 12:38 pm #306727
I think it is okay for an adult child to end any and all contact with a parent. I did it myself. There is freedom in it although it is difficult because of what we are taught, that no matter how terrible a parent is, we have to be a good child (minor or adult) to them, no matter what. We are taught to unconditionally love our parents to the day they die no matter what.
anitaAugust 6, 2019 at 5:11 am #306799InkyParticipant
When you go no contact, or even take a long break, beware of The Flying Monkeys. They are the family members in your father’s circle who will try to guilt you into coming back. You must be the problem because he is great to them *sarcasm*.
How about this paradigm shift: How about YOU treat YOURSELF the way your dad treats the new family?? You know, give, empathize and protect yourself? Have your husband talk to that family the way your father talks to you regarding the steps. What if he shredded dad for slights against you? Wrote multi-page letters describing his disappointment?? Of course, dad will be angry. Thunderstruck!
The more you are alone, and stand in your own power, the energy should change. Also, witnesses are awesome buffers. ALWAYS have dad on speaker phone and ALWAYS have someone else in the room with him. Return letters unread. Block him from texts, email and social media. Done.
Publicly THANK ALL the people (surrogate fathers) for ALL their PRAISE, for BELIEVING in you, and their SUPPORT. That will burn dad like coal. But he can’t abuse you covertly anymore.
Rooting for You,
InkyAugust 6, 2019 at 12:15 pm #306899
I agree and thank you for replying. I think about an incredibly lengthy email, outline things he has said and done to “explain” and out him. I always want to prove things, I think it’s from being dismissed and growing up with him never having my back. Ever. The smart side of me tells me that doing this would blow up as he would put tremendous energy into calling me a liar, disproving everything and it makes things worse. It’s hard to have my stepsister, who knows me to be a loving and caring person… especially with my nephews, write me and ask me why I’m hurting this wonderful man so badly.August 6, 2019 at 5:59 pm #306927
Maybe it will be helpful for you to type out that email here, on your thread, before sending it, if you send it at all. Would you like to do that?
(I will be back in about 12-16 hours from now)
anitaAugust 8, 2019 at 10:12 pm #307249
Hi, Anita. I wouldn’t send that email. It would be met with vehement denial, rage and only make things worse. It’s just a fantasy to think I could ever be heard, or validated in any way.August 9, 2019 at 8:16 am #307301
“It’s just a fantasy to think I could ever be heard, or validated in any way” by him, by your father or by your step sister. But you can be heard and validated right here. This is why I suggested you type your email here, into your thread.
I kept hoping for way too long that I would be heard and validated by my mother, decades of hoping. She did not hear me at 5, at 15, at 25, at 35, at 45 and then I finally ended contact with her when I was 52. Fifty two years of hoping. Fifty years of waiting and hoping and trying. What a waste.