What do you suggest for healing? I was going to purchase a book on recovering from narcisstic abuse and maybe start there. I literally dont know who I am anymore, I was controlled and manipulated for so long, making even little decisions scares me. AND the worst part is that the stupid empath in me actually cares if he gets evicted and feels sorry for HIM!!! Or maybe im just scared that if he gets evicted he wont give my car back because we were supposed to exchange the house key fob for my car keys. I am lost and grieving while stilll having to continue motherhood and work without skipping a beat. I am drained, discouraged and so confused. I feel so stupid, like i cant just put my foot down and tell him NO i dont want you anymore! And i never want to see you again!!!. Where do i start in getting back to myself again? so lost….

ANITA- I wish i could hug you, i really do appreciate the concern you show for me. It struck me so hard when you said redirect that EMPATH!! EXACTLY!!! give the attention and energy where it is needed and deserved rather than where it is wasted. Not only am i supposed to role model the kind of woman that i want my girls to become but also setting the precedent for the type of relationships they will become accustomed to. It is my duty to empower them and break the generational curses so they will NEVER feel obligated to stay and take abuse from anyone including friends. Even though i basically failed them for three years, it is never too late to do right by them, i owe them. The initial shock and grief had me all out of sorts, but those statements you made shook me to the core. START NOW!!! Ultimately seeing them happy will be my reward and further validation that i am doing the best decision i could have made. Its time to take my life back ,as i have wasted so many years on toxic relationships. I need to rebuild my self esteem, it feels like i am starting from scratch.

MICHELLE.

Hi it has been a while and what a tumultuous time. I still have not completely cut contact with him and he’s using every measure to reel me back in. Everything from crying to begging coming to mentioning our daughter, making these extreme promises all over again. It’s like deja vu. He really feels no remorse or insight into what he is done to me. He thinks I should get over it and give him the last chance. It disgusts me now. It is very profound that you mentioned finding out what made us feel so low and vulnerable to such the sub-par treatment in a relationship. When I met this man I was slated to graduate from nurse practitioner School and was pretty lonely. I had been married but my husband had been incarcerated for over 1 year and this was the second 3 year stint that he was doing. I was so much in search for love and I Define Myself by my relationships. I only feel complete when I was giving to some man. To be honest I’ve never truly understood how to love myself unconditionally. I have never mastered my self-esteem. Just like you mention, on the outside aesthetically I receive so much attention because of my looks but no one truly took the time to value much beyond my looks. Most men I’ve been with were impressed that I was the trophy that they had been pursuing and finally won. Because I externalized my self-esteem I became so empty seeking fulfillment and putting the responsibility of a fulfillment on any man that I was with. Every failed relationship left me feeling even more empty and useless. Every kid that I have without their dad made me feel even more useless. So when this man came in and loved bombed me and acted like he was going to be the stepfather and man i alwayss wanted i wass hooked. Being that i have alwayss been an empath, he quickly caught on and sunk his teeth in. Not to mention this was more a forbidden relationship since i was sstill technically married so i felt compelled to overlook initial red flags due to guilt of leaving my marriage. He often leveraged this guilt by accusing me of being with my ex inappropriately when he got out of jail. When mad he would often mention me leaving my marriage and call me a ho which made me feel even lower .

We have such a strong trauma bond that i feel compelled to beleive that the honeymoon phase he wants me to come back home to is actually preferable to my peace. As crazy as this seem,  when u have been linked to ssomeone in trauma so long u feel thiss crazy comfort in the bullshit.

To be honest i have been trying  to get to a place of self love and essteem but i dont know where to start. I gave him the key to my happiness and depended on him to validate me. I literally dont know how to love mysself and i am often feeling guilty and second guess what im doing because of his manipulation. I have felt tremendous guilt for him not seeing his daughter but he is not stable and i am so fearful of exposing a two year old to this. The guilt is worssened when he says he will do anything for us to raise her together. I often cry about taking her from her dad even tho i know its for the better.. i am so lost, confused and down..

MICHELLE- thanks for your response, another wake up call. I was fooled recently with him, he kept crying about how i left the house with his daughter and he had not seen her in weeks. Because of his nature, i will never be comfortable letting a two year old who cant fight for herself being alone with him let alone for a night. That being said, i allowed a few supervised visits with the baby and He thought he was getting me back and every visit would be more focused on me than the baby. This ended abruptly the other day , he lied and said that something came in the mail regarding my NP license so i freaked out and told him i would meet him in the parking lot of our old house together to get the mail. When I arrive, he gives no letter but reaches in and snatches my phone so i have to get out and come inside. Inside he proceeds to scream at the top of his lungs and repeatedly ball up his fist and act like he is restraining from hitting me. He demanded that I pay my half the rent for august and my half the bills even though i have not been there the month of august. He even went so far as to say my dad is an asshole who would die only because he is mad i can live with them now and im no longer paying his bills. Keep in mind he is throwing this temper tantrum because he became (spoiled in his own words) by me paying the large majority of all bills and entertainment and him having free access to all my paychecks. This tantrum ended with him busting out in tears and proceeding to hold me against my will and cry on my shoulder. The cry was almost electric and I cried as well because i prayed for the shift and I knew that would be the last time i could ever be alone with him. Im sure he knew that he had stuck the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. When i was finally able to get away and get home, he immediately called demanding to pick up his daughter. Mind you he was just screaming and posturing just minutes earlier. I know that his last resort to have his bills paid is to hold our daughter hostage until i give some money. I know that is why her wants to get her. I refused of course and he started his threats again so i did not bother to argue but simply called the police to arrive when he did. They told him to leave and we have not spoken since. I feel so empty, its like I should be happy that i am free but i still feel so scared that he will call and demand to get her or show up somewhere to start a commotion. I have done well at directing my empathy towards my daughter but my heart hurt with our last encounter. I questioned whether he actually has feelings because of the way he cried, but i think he is only mourning the loss of convenience and he might actually have to work for something instead of relying on me to quietly cover everything and give him money on a whim. My heart hurts because my two year old has a narcissist monster of a father that i chose for her and i mourn for how this will affect her growing up. i am exhausted because i have 3 girls and due to my life choices never gave them their real father or any father figure in their lives , and being a provider now I know for a fact that this will show up in different aspects of her life and she doesnt deserve that. They all deserve better. I know i can be what they need but i am so broken right now i feel they even deserve better than me. I am at my weakest, lowest in spirit and dont know how to get out of this. I take it day by day. Its almost like I have to learn how to live again. Almost everything i did was contingent on him in some way. I dont even like to do anything anymore and almost get anxious just to leave the house when i used to be a social butterfly. Even typing now i am crying. Why.?????????