Hi everyone,

Thanks for taking the time to read. I was in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend (which I will call “K”) for 5 years, and out of those 5 years we lived together for over 2 years. We both started PhD programs when we moved in together (we came from a different city), and that is when things began to get rough and bumpy for us.

Since the beginning of our relationship I was very hesitant to become his boyfriend because I thought it wasn’t a “pure” or “magical” beginning to what I would’ve expected out of a relationship. Long story short, her ex-boyfriend and my previous ex (which I will call “C”) had gotten together and was when my ex-K and I really started talking. From the beginning, I only saw her as a friend, and that is the only way I wanted to look at her, I knew she was a great person but at that particular moment I was not attracted to her. Nevertheless, with time, we eventually became very good friends and she even became friends with my friends and my family got a liking to her. However, I still could not see her as my future partner.

As time went by, I had plenty of other opportunities with other women, however, when I found myself in a situation where other women tried to make a move on me, like kissing me, I felt bad doing it because I couldn’t stop thinking of how this would make “K” feel. I had come to realize that “K” had become a very important person in my world and I could not bear to break her heart. I never told her anything about this and realized, that maybe I was already in love with her without even realizing it. But to be honest, I never felt a huge spark or crazy love when I thought about her, I just felt very comfortable and ok being with her. So after this we started having sex with each other, going out on dates and all and I guess everything was ok. She really did everything she could to make me happy and I really appreciated everything she did for me, which is the main reason why I reasoned that maybe this is what love was, not about a crazy summer romance spark but something more mature and someone who made me feel comfortable. So after much rejection from my part to become boyfriends (even after having sex) I decided to make it official and become a couple.

As I try to remember our first days as a couple, there were many things that I could’ve done better. I could’ve shown her more signs of affection, I could’ve held her hand when we went out but I did not do those sorts of things, but at that time I was not mean to her. So if I had to summarize our relationship before we moved in together I would say, there were a lot of things I could’ve done better, we had no fights, and she would do anything in her hands to make me happy.

The real problems began when we started living together, and it started slowly but surely eating at our relationship. I think it was a combination of a lot of things going on, it was our first time outside of our homes, we had a tremendous amount of pressure from our PhD program, we had very little time for each other, and the one thing I had asked her for in order to have a good relationship was not being met, which was trust.

This is when I started to become mean with her and say things I regret, although she was being nice to me in her own way, she was being nice in a different way that I had become used to. In the past, I had a lot of her attention, and it seems she enjoyed doing the things I did, but I had begun to think this had only been part of the honey moon phase, and after living together these such things were slowly fading away. I began to tell her that she spent way too much time in lab, and that once she came home she would only work, work and study. I am a PhD student myself, and I had no problems balancing out work from my personal time. At first, I brought it up nicely and politely, but after seeing no change, I would start getting upset and lock myself in my room and not wanting to talk to her after she was done with her stuff. In my eyes, I was becoming less and less important for her, and I thought she was now taking me for granted. I was not happy with that, because being a grad student myself, I thought I had a good idea of how much time you needed to get things done and I used to think she was overdoing it. I really did approach her many times with this issue, but I just felt I was not being heard and after useless attempts anger would just start to build up inside me not wanting to talk about it since it was worthless. Anyhow, at that time I did not realize all the things she still did for me and how much of a jerk I was. She still drove me to the University, she still cooked most of the time, she did the laundry and lots of other good stuff that I did not appreciate then. I was such an asshole that I once told her: ” I don’t need to have a maid, I don’t need to have a taxi-driver, what I need is a partner in crime, I need a comrade, I want to be your friend”. Without realizing all the things she did was her way of loving me.

When I realized our relationship was very unhealthy, was when I realized she began to act kind of shady, she would lean the opposite side to where I was to text, and she had started to spend a lot of time on her phone. I am the jealous type, but I did extremely well at not saying anything about it, not because I did not want to cause problems, but because I was to proud to admit I am jealous. In my previous relationship with my other ex “C”, I noticed a similar behavior, to realize she had been cheating on my for a while. Something inside me that I had tried to bury came back and I logged into “K’s” facebook and it took me 5 seconds to realize my hunch was not at all wrong. While she was not cheating on me, she said a lot of things to my back that hurt me a lot, she complained to her friends about me saying how ungrateful I was, she said that I did not appreciate anything I did for her, and many other things that in all honesty, she was right but still hurt a lot. Being how stupid I am, I still felt betrayed and I wish she would’ve talked to me about that first. Ever since that happened, I cannot say I had my full trust in her because now I would feel that the only thing she did was talk crap about me.

Then jealousy, came into play. I was never to happy with her still being in touch with her ex’s, people she has had a past with, or people that were hitting on her and I never said anything about it. I just got upset, locked myself in my room, then she would come and ask what was going on with me and I would just tell her to go away, and she would start crying so bad. At that point, I did not realize how much damage I was causing her by locking myself out. But it only got worse, I would keep on locking myself out, and after she wouldn’t let me cool down and kept knocking on my door I would yell at her, say extremely hurtful things about her, about her research not even being that good.

I was too selfish and only thought about myself, while she did cause a lot of pain in me, there was no reason for me to act so badly with her and become emotionally violent. When I get angry, I lose control of the things I say, I am capable of saying extremely hurtful things. It became such a toxic relationship, I had become emotionally abusive towards her and did not realize it, because I was being to selfish thinking about my needs and not thinking about hers. In addition to our relationship problems, she had also a lot of problems in her lab, her boss was extremely mean to her too.

One time she came crying to me telling me the things her boss had told her, she was told to not make up things, and not lie when she was asked a question, and instead of being there for her and calming her down, I said, hmm, looks like your boss and myself can see through you.

Fast forward, she decided to quit her PhD, and finish with a master’s degree, and to go back home. I asked her to please stay, that I don’t think a long distance relationship would solve our problems, that I envision myself being married to her in the future and somehow magically fix our problems. She did not want to stay and I did not want to have a long distance relationship. After she told me she was mastering out, we still had a couple of months together, and it was a nightmare. It was only fighting, she never approached me about what was going to happen, what her plan was, and this only filled me with insecurity and made me think she already had all the plan laid out and I was being left out. I broke up with her saying I did not want a long distance reltionship, only to regret it and tell her I was willing to try it. She said no.

I could not believe what was happening, I had a panic attack I could not believe, she was leaving me less than a month before my oral examination (hardest exam in your PhD, if you fail you’re out). If someone knew how important this was it was her, we spent a lot of time talking about how much we feared this moment. But now I understand how abusive I was, and that she really needed to walk out of this, and that I deserve all this that has been happening to me.

At this point, I regret everything I did, I was mean, and although I was hurt too, that does not justify all the mean stuff and emotional abuse towards her. She still wants to keep in touch with me, but has repeatedly said she would never be my partner again and that she can’t see me like that either. She said I am the person that has hurt her the most and that she’ll never forget that. However, she till texts me, she calls me, and even after I try to not have contact with her, she ends up calling me, crying. When she does that, I end up opening up to her, but she still does not want to try it, and I really understand it.

I’ve been going to therapy and I really feel that I am in the lowest point in my life, my only goal right now is to be a better person than I was yesterday, but ultimately, I want to be this person with her and not anyone else.

I know how much pain I’ve caused her and I should probably let her go. But it is so hard, since she is still talking to me, and I don’t know how to do this, I don’t feel she deserves me not talking to her after it was me that screwed up most of this by not being grateful and showing her how much I loved her.

She is coming this weekend to visit the dogs and pick up some of her stuff. What approach should I take with her? I still want her back…

Thanks a lot for reading.