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regret over (simple!) mistakes

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  • March 30, 2015 at 6:10 pm #74704
    constantly growing
    Participant

    I know. This is going to sound so self-indulgent. But I wouldn’t be posting if I didn’t have a problem with this. I know it seems silly to even post something like this, so bear with me!
    ____

    i just read tiny buddha’s page ’20 ways of letting go of regrets’, because, ugh, this is going to sound so ridiculous! i was supposed to bid on some books that i really really wanted on ebay, and i forgot to, and they sold for a ridiculously low price (although, i was not going to resell them, i was going to keep and enjoy them forever) and i CAN’T GET OVER IT! i keep thinking ‘if only i had remembered! if only i had woke up early enough! if only…’ i know that this is not just about the books, it’s something deeper. but i can’t let it go, even though i know that it’s utterly ridiculous and i’m embarrassed that i’m even scouring the net looking for ways to let it go. but, this is not the first time this has happened to me. it’s a pattern, not one that comes up very often, but occasionally this has happened to me, where i lose out on a bid, or forget to buy something (it’s always about losing something tangible that i could have purchased, by the way), or i go back to buy something that i knew i should have gotten and its been sold. and it haunts me for weeks. and i hate it. can you shed some light on this please? thank you for suspending judgement. if it wasn’t a problem, as ridiculous as it is, i would not be reaching out 🙂 and just fyi, i collect vintage books for reading pleasure, and i also write, so it’s crucial that i have an ample library, and i enjoy vintage and antique books, so when losing something like this, i will never run across it again at a price that i can afford. anyway, any light you all can shed would be so helpful! thank you!

    March 30, 2015 at 6:47 pm #74706
    Kyniska
    Participant

    I once cried for hours because one of the belt loops on my jeans broke. In that case, it was my way of venting negative emotions from the overwhelming challenges I was having at the time that I couldn’t express. I am still like that sometimes, where I hold it together over the hardest things, but something tiny just pushes me over the edge and I can’t let it go for hours, sometimes days.

    I’m not sure what yours could be, maybe a traumatic memory of accidentally losing something or someone valuable to you? Anyway, if it’s happened before, it will pass. I usually just wait mine out like little agony storms, but if it affects your life too much, or is accompanied by other distressing signals, maybe see a therapist. Good luck!

    March 30, 2015 at 7:05 pm #74707
    constantly growing
    Participant

    Hi Kyniska. Thank you for responding. I never thought about it that way — about having lost something or someone of immense value to me. The thing is, I lost EVERYONE in my life when I was young. Mother, father, my whole family. We were torn apart by dysfunction, and when I left home, I never looked back. It’s funny, when I was young, some of my few fond memories were antiquing with my mother and grandmother and aunt. It was the only thing that made those three women happy. They would search for weeks for a specific thing and become so angry when they couldn’t find it, or if someone else got it. It would practically destroy my grandmother and aunt (my mother was not like that though). I think I attach happiness to finding something precious that no one else can have. Like, a replacement for my childhood or the people in my childhood.At then end, I have to think to myself ‘if there was a fire, you would lose it’, or, ‘there are a million people in the world that didn’t get the book either’. Eventually I do let it go. But it takes some tremendous power. So thank you for suggesting a root to something deeper. It’s odd. If I had gotten them, I would have been thrilled, but I would have put them on my shelf and probably not read them for a long time, or thought about them much after that. Not that I wouldn’t have appreciated them, but I think the acquisition is where I feel a certain power or a sense of completion…

    March 30, 2015 at 8:18 pm #74708
    Kyniska
    Participant

    I’m glad that helped. That explanation makes perfect sense and I’m sorry your past was so difficult. I think the psychology of eBay also contributes, because you WIN something. But most of the time, I agree, having something is rarely as good as getting it. 🙂

    March 31, 2015 at 1:52 am #74712
    Will
    Participant

    Digging for the root and background for this pattern can be useful. At the end of the day, it’s still clinging, and you identify it yourself as “silly”. So maybe when you get stuck in those thoughts, you can ask yourself what it was you really wanted. OK, you really wanted those books, but it’s bothering you so much it’s clearly not about the books. So what did you really want?

    Did you want something no one else could have (to feel special)? Did you want to have more things (because possessions make you feel secure)? Did you want something beautiful? Do you want to feel connected to your history (as a writer) by owning these old books? Did you want to impress your friends? Did you want something that would have made your family members happy? Or envious?

    Once you distill the want to something pure, like feeling special, security, beauty, identity as a writer, status, you can try to think of other ways you could give yourself that. Maybe by buying something else, or maybe just by doing something, or remembering you already have something. That might help take the sting out of the internal but I really wanted it angst.

    Also, forgive yourself for having silly emotional hangups. Welcome to humanity. It’s easier to let go if you don’t constantly judge yourself for having held on in the first place.

    March 31, 2015 at 9:51 am #74718
    constantly growing
    Participant

    Hi Will. As I am reading your response, I’m smiling because it’s so many of these things: I wrote briefly in above how my childhood was broken, and that the one thing that brought the women of my family joy was antiquing. They would focus on something specific, and come hell or high water, they would get it, and it would make them happy when they were otherwise not very happy women. My mother was not like that, but my grandmother and my aunt were. My mother was a collector of beautiful antiques, but she had no attachment to things. She collected because beautiful things made her happy. In turn, I have collected things that bring me some sort of joy. I love being surrounded my beautiful, old things. I think possessions have always made me feel secure. It was one of the few things that brought our family together. Building our home, when it was generally fraught with difficulty and pain. So, many of the things that you mention apply to me. And yes, finally, I do feel on some level that as a writer i should have gotten the books. Many people collect books because they are pretty, and I collect them to read them. Some collect books on the cheap so they can resell them. Alas, I should not feel that I am more qualified to have a thing than someone else, regardless our reasons.

    I think this all bears much looking into. Why is is that I find this security in tangibles? Why am I still clinging? I think it’s because there is such a hollow place inside from my past, and that I always want to remember the good things. The safety I felt in our home, built by my mother’s artistic eye. The beauty of it. I was proud of my parents for our home, but aside from that, I felt great fear and shame and anger toward them. It makes sense why I would cling. But now that I know this (and I have for a while), I do have to find ways to feed myself in the present, by things that have nothing to do with past. Or, perhaps a distillation of the past that has nothing to do with ‘things’. I am a writer. This is the most precious thing my parents passed on to me. This intangible thing that is something that brings me lasting joy and that no one can take away but myself. And I don’t intend to do that. I think, after reading that, I would have to say that to place security on possessions is a dangerous thing. I think that I could better spend the energy placing my security on my writing so that the security is real, and lasting, and forged by me.

    Thank you for responding.

    And thank you for reminding me not to judge myself. I have an awful habit of doing that.

    April 2, 2015 at 8:17 am #74789
    mimicus
    Participant

    I kinda have a similar problem but I feel the regret after I have purchased something. When I’m uncertain about buying something or when I’m totally certain but someone tells me otherwise, I just can’t get over the guilt. For instance, I joined a training course at the beginning of the year and when I did, I felt like I paid a fair price for the courses that I opted for. I started my classes and one of the guys there told me how his friend paid a lot less for a similar course (similar, not the same). Since then, I haven’t been over the guilt and I even called the company yesterday to demand a refund only to be told that the company has a no-refund policy! 🙁

    When I try thinking about why I feel the regret, it is usually because I end up feeling wronged, as if someone blatantly cheated/robbed me and hurt my self-esteem/ego and how I couldn’t do anything about it. It can happen for things ranging from petty prices to costlier stuff.

    So just know that you are not alone in your misery.

    April 3, 2015 at 12:46 am #74846
    constantly growing
    Participant

    Thank you for responding mimicus. I used this as an opportunity to get deeper into the root of my issues surrounding security and things. The funny thing is, after diving into it, I’m over it. I remembered that whenever this sort of thing happens it’s because my money is needed for other things. Sure enough, I need it for something that I NEED. of course I want it too, but need it more, it’s something essential, and that money will be much better spent elsewhere — did I mention that I already had a set of the books that I missed bidding on? A different edition, and not as ‘attractive’. But, still, hardcovers and very old and the same content as the ‘prettier’ ones. I don’t need TWO SETS, regardless of how beautiful they are. I buy books for mental profit, not so I can stare at them on a shelf, and not because of their resale value commercially. The profit I receive is improved writing and increased knowledge. SO! What I did was took Will’s advice and used the money for a variety of books that I don’t already have. Several authors that I don’t already have and because of this ‘snafu’, this is even better, I was able to discover FOUR new amazing writers that I would never have found if it had not been for this and for Will’s suggestion to get something in place of the books that will make me happy. And this makes me MUCH MUCH happier! (When I learn of new authors, it’s literally like I am flying over the moon). I was on Amazon ready to purchase two authors that I have been dying to read, and since they always ‘suggest’ new books to you while you are shopping based on your shopping experience, I began scouting around and reading previews of different authors. Man! I scored big time! I actually got chills! I keep checking Amazon now to see when they will arrive! I discovered FOUR new authors that I didn’t know existed, and after reading previews of the books, I just can’t tell you how excited I am. SO, end of story, the books that I ‘missed’ out on were pretty, but now I am getting some that are going to enhance my writing life, and that is THE most important thing to me in the world! Woohoo!

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