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Relationship loss to co-dependency? Request for Advice

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  • May 27, 2018 at 10:01 pm #209673
    Joe
    Participant

    Help.

    I do not know if I should keep trying . . . or, just quit and walk away.

    I am confident that my girlfriend of 2.5 years is the great love of my life.  Unfortunately, we are unable to experience quality weekend and holiday time together to foster and strengthen a relationship)  For the last 10 years, she has driven 2 hours (each way/4 hour round trip) to spend every weekend and every holiday at her mom and dad’s house (and mostly take care of her sister’s 5 children — while the children’s parents, her sister and brother and law sit at home and party).  She will not spend weekends and holidays with me/and or my family.  My girlfriend and I have both been previously divorced.  She claims that I am “the great love of her life.”

    During the weeknights when we spend time together — it is magical, respectful, considerate and we are very compatible — food, affection, TV, chores, intimacy, discussions, music, etc.  We, however, as a result of her choice only, do not spend weekends, nor holidays together.  We even take our vacations on Monday through Friday so that she will not miss any time with her family.

    I asked her to seek professional help submitting that she was co-dependent on her family.  I believe that an underlying issue was that in her previous marriage, she previously attempted, unsuccessfully, to conceive for 10 years which she claimed led to her divorce.  Ever since her divorce she has spent every single weekend and holiday.  Members of her family never drive to visit her — ever.  Whenever I visited her parents house — all siblings (w/the exception of the 5 children’s parents whom remained at their house) converged every single weekend, and my sweetheart, did all the cooking, cleaning up after everyone ate dinner, did all the laundry — and no one ever thanked her.  Family members never encouraged her to take a weekend away for the relationship.  Family members often made plans for my girlfriend which vacated our plans.

    She often returns home worn out, and occasionally sick from overworking.  (She works a full-time job — and does the 4 hour roundtrip drive every weekend and every holiday to care for the entire family.)

    Since I submitted that this was a dysfunctional, unhealthy co-dependence, I tried to “guide” her away — with a request of one weekend a month together, and one holiday (just us two) a year.  After she promised yes — the one weekend a month lasted for just 3 months; and the holiday was cancelled after her niece exclaimed:  “Aww K***, but we won’t have any fun without you.”

    I have asked her numerous times (about 1x every 8-9 weeks) for us to spend a weekend/holiday together.  When she replies that she just can’t do it — I have told her that I do not feel valued or appreciated.

    After I asked for the latest planned 5 day, weekday, vacation to include the weekend — she refused to include the weekend.  So, I said that I am not going unless we include the weekend.  She has not talked to my since I established that boundary.

    1.  Is it possible to get her to see a professional?  If so, how?

    2.  Am I an idiot for still hoping for a happy, healthy relationship someday?  (I do truly care for her — but, I am worried about whether the unhealthy relationship is also impacting my emotional perspective)  (Because of the times that we are together we are so compatible — I even viewed her as a life-time partner — if there were not the co-dependency issue)

    3.  Or, should I, in the words of some friends: “just run for the hills and be thankful that you are not presently with her?”

    What is your advice ?

    Thank you for your help.

    Joe

    May 28, 2018 at 5:20 am #209707
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joe:

    When the two of you were together, “it is magical, respectful, considerate and we are very compatible- food, affection, TV, chores, intimacy, discussions, music, etc.”

    So you figure, it is my understanding, that if she attended psychotherapy and if she changes her relationship with her family, if she no  longer drives 4 hours round trip every weekend and holiday to cater to her family, then she will spend more of that “magical, respectful, considerate” time with you, correct?

    Here is an interesting thing, to me: if she does attend psychotherapy and changes her relationship with her family, she is not likely to be the same person with you that she has been so far. There will be conflicts with you, conflicts not evident before.

    What drives her to be as involved with her family as she is, is her anxiety. She … needs to do what she does. It calms down that anxiety. She does her best with her family and she does her best with you. This is how she functions as well as she does, that is, she is able to keep a full time job, do what she needs to do, pay bills, do chores etc.

    Disrupt her life and you disrupt what holds her together. What you get is not the same behavior anymore, not that magical time together that you had before.

    Of course, her relationship with her family is unhealthy, but the healing from it, if she gets engaged in it, will be a long process, an unsettling process, part of which will be that your very relationship with her during-the-week  will be disrupted and will need to be renegotiated.

    anita

    May 28, 2018 at 7:06 am #209723
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Joe,

    I am wondering if you ever offer to go with her on any of the weekends she goes to see her family?  Not because I think you should do that, but just wondering if you ever have.  I am also wondering if she sees the dynamic with her family as being unhealthy?

    I agree that the relationship with her family is dysfunctional and not healthy.  As to your questions about it being possible to get her to see a therapist, and if you are being an idiot…

    The best chance of her changing the dynamic with her family is for her to see that it needs to change and for her to want to change it.  Up to this point, you have been the one that wants it to change.  She seems okay continuing in this cycle, in spite of returning worn out and sick.  You can talk about it and plead and beg and set all kinds of boundaries, but what it comes down to is that she is not willing to change it.

    I wonder what would happen if you, in fact, left her.  I think her response to you doing that would be the best indication as to whether you would be an idiot for hoping for a happy, healthy relationship.  I believe in her mind, you are important to her and she loves you.  But she wants to do what she wants to do.  You want her to say that you and your relationship with her is more important than her family, and she isn’t willing to do that.  She isn’t willing to do that because there is no real consequence to her at this point, other than listening to your distress about her family.

    You have been doing this for 2.5 years with her.  Ask yourself if you are willing to spend another 2.5 years doing the same thing –  Hoping for things to change, begging and pleading with her to change the situation with her family?  What I anticipate happening is that it won’t change, but your feelings about it will rise closer to the surface and you will voice your frustration more often.  How do you think you will feel then?

    I will also add that you have the option of accepting this dynamic with her family as part of who she is.  It’s not much different than a relationship where one person, say, smokes, and the other person doesn’t like it, but loves everything else about the relationship and the person.  You can decide if you will tolerate it or not.

    Airene

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Airene.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Airene.
    May 28, 2018 at 12:32 pm #209785
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Joe,

    Her relationship with her family is nuts! Why can she not move closer? Does no one in the family feel guilty? Can you call each household yourself and implore them to visit HER? Can you flip the script and invite THEM to a holiday? Can the family meet at a restaurant or theme park an hour in the middle?

    It sounds like she NEEDS her family by “taking care of them” even thought the family takes her for granted. This is because she doesn’t have children of her own, and, I agree to calm her anxiety.

    I wonder what will ultimately happen when the parents are dead and the nieces and nephews are on their own and her siblings retire and move.

    Yes, this is one of those things where you can either tell her, “This is not normal, goodbye” or accept her the way she is, neurosis and all.

    Best,

    Inky

    May 28, 2018 at 4:48 pm #209813
    Joe
    Participant

    Anita, Inky and Airene,

    I would like to thank you for your advice, guidance and insight.  Thank you for a fresher, different perspective — I know that I am too close and would not be able to see it through your eyes . . . .

    Again, thank you very much.

    Sincerely,

    Joe

    May 29, 2018 at 2:19 am #209861
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Joe. Post again, if you would  like, anytime.

    anita

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