Sapna,

What a blessing our parents are! Do you see how as you yearned for unconditional acceptance and warmth from your dad, your mind turned toward your ex? Now you’re really cooking with heat!

When we were little kids, daddy kept us safe and protected from nature. Before we confront and overcome our fear of nature, sometimes we get sucked into thinking its daddy who holds the keys to our security. Sometimes we grabbed onto other males, sometime we masculinized the divine into God, sometimes we just feel helpless without a man… its just old junk, ready for releasing. You don’t need a man, you’re strong and radiant with divine light and love, and a blessing to the world. Sure, you still beat up sapna for being sapna, but most of us have a part of ourselves we don’t like. I’ve read your compassionate art, and you are far more attuned to your divine nature than you give yourself credit. You have so much unconditional love for most people (a few problematic folks aside, such as sapna, parents, ex etc) that its absence strikes you, and you’re looking for how to develop it.

For our parents its both simple and difficult. As kids, we were rightfully selfish. Our parents were our parents first, and people second. As we grow up, we have to switch it back. They are people first, and have the role of being parents. They’re still people. One of my teachers said “if only our parents were perfect, eh?” We both got a laugh.

Your parents, as people, are caught in patterns of suffering just like you and me. They rise and fall, have spin cycles that arise. We are the same, all of us. You suffer and spin and cry when men don’t unconditionally accept you… ie fear you are unlovable to men. He suffers and spins and pessimisms when he sees you single… is fears you are in danger without a man or daddy to protect you. It is very painful for him, just as yours is painful for you. It would be nice if he could just hold you in his arms and tell you you’re beautiful. That warmth is there in all of us, but his is just under layers of spin cycles. Just like it would be nice if you could hold Sapna in your arms and tell her she’s beautiful. But even when you try, you don’t believe her because the warmth is under spin cycles.

As we see that our parents are just people, and that they suffer just like us, and that suffering clouds their mind and heart, there is no need to forgive them. There is no need, because there is no trespass. The need to forgive them only arises when we see them as parents before people, which doesn’t make sense anymore. You see how he is confused about what brings Sapna joy. You see how he is caught in cycles of fear that turn him toward envisioning the worst. Why blame Sapna or her parents for suffering? 99.99999% of people suffer.

You’re really doing great Sapna. As you continue to pray for guidance and healing, the cleansing goes deeper and deeper. Be patient, the answers are coming! Just keep breathing and engage your life curiously, mindfully, and the chunks inside your mind will become noticeable, just like this. Then the dreamer will have better dreams. Said differently, as you confront and explore the world, you’re boldly moving your momentum toward joy. It takes time, because nature has to arrange a whole symphony to help you settle your attachments, but its happening all around you already. Namaste, sister. You matter!

With warmth,
Matt

Thanks, Matt, for your words of wisdom. They are very comforting.
My personal problem is how to apply it so that they have long lasting effect? It’s very similar to a hypochondriac going to a doctor who would say to the frightened client that lab. results and everything else is OK, so, you are OK, don’t worry, be happy….and the client is happy for a while, but on the way out of the clinic the first thought in the series of “What if….” appears, followed by many others (what if they made a mistake in Lab?; What if doctor is without much experience; What if Badanga attacs Madanga?; and so on).
WE have to learn skills to allow wisdom to stay. It means that Sapna learns to say “NO”, since I assume (maybe I’m wrong) that Sapna has the problem to say NO to friends, neighbours, colleagues, not parents only.
For example, it is so difficult for me to follow the path of self-nurturing. I’ll have breakfast two days and skip it five days; I’ll slow down one afternoon, and keep myself totally exhausted for the rest of the week. Not to mention emotional torturing!
Thanks Matt and Sapna for being there…
Branka

Your parents are doing the best they can based on the skills they were taught. You need to learn and acquire much better skills and then try to either teach them to your folks, or simply use them to do your best to accept your parents as they are. In the end, if you are not willing to commit to a healthy lifestyle and everyday mediation practice, no advice will help you, unfortunately.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 7 months ago by Alexey Sunly.

Branka,

I think you took the metaphor of the doctor in a direction I did not intend. The doctor is the knowledge of what to do, the meds the skills. The growth happens from the wisdom that arises as we move through experiences with awareness. For example, we might know it is good to eat healthy. We know what eating healthy looks like. Wisdom is the stability of mind that allows us to set aside the small joy (sense pleasure of eating) for the larger joy (buoyancy of a healthy body)… which develops over time and looking at what is there. Said differently, it is in being mindful of the way our choices produce results that stabilizes our growth… skills and knowledge stay unused otherwise.

With warmth,
Matt