Thank you Anita and Eliana, I very much appreciate it.

This is a very complex situation internally, so please bear with me as I am thinking while typing this on my bus ride home. Do let me know if I can further clarify any of this. I am definitely an “over thinker”

I think there are many emotions that are fueling this. When my friend lost that election, I was personally very hurt by his loss. Might I add that this election was on a large scale and something people are very invested in, at least relative to high schoolers/teenagers. I wrote the note and gave him the box a day after returning home from convention, and I was very distraught in that time emotionally. I am angry with myself for letting my emotions get the best of me at that time. “Why did I have to give ALL that remained in that box? Why did I have to give anything at all?” In my mind, giving him everything that remained in the box was symbolic of doing more to ease the pain of losing. I think I thought more was better…I was almost about to give tshirts I already wore, before realizing that was strange. I included some sizes that I knew wouldn’t even fit him. My reasoning back then baffles and upsets me.

I am upset with that (now former) friend becuase of the response I got. He was undoubtedly appreciative, but part of his response included “I have no idea why you gave me all of that other stuff though, I have like no use for it! Haha…thanks though!” Although maybe he was referring to a couple items that weren’t t-shirts? I don’t know. Back then, I just shrugged it off, thinking to myself that “he can just give these out to people who might like it, I’m not in the club anymore since I’m graduating, so I don’t need it” I often find myself being upset with myself over all the times I have spent even thinking about this. About 4 years ago, I went through an episode of being upset about it, until I talked it through with a friend. I was fine, until it crept back into my mind about a year ago. I brushed it over and it came into my mind yet again.

Finally, I find myself regretful and sad about many of the interactions I had with my parents throughout the year of having that position. I frankly was a spoiled brat, and couldn’t see all they had done for me (driving me places out of their way, ironing many clothes, waking me up early/late when needed). This was a large commitment. They nagged me, or at least I interpreted it as nagging, about my schoolwork. I felt that they were more into the prestige of the position, and weren’t always supportive of the work it entailed. This finally led to some rude interactions on my end. I am upset with myself for being so unwilling to just share a few tshirts (this sentence was a bit painful to type out, struck a chord in my heart, to illustrate). My thought process was that these are shirts special to the organization that my friend would like. For anyone else, they wouldn’t fully realize the value of it. It’s not like we didn’t have our own shirts or couldn’t afford anymore, right? I did have a few shirts from the convention as well, which I did share with my family.

I will add that this was not the only incident/argument my parents and I had when I was involved with that position. My mind may just code this as being the icing on the cake. A year later, I said sorry to my mother about anything I said or did that year. She essentially forgave me, and told me I didn’t need to keep on apologizing. My sister and I have a habit of saying sorry over and over again. (I almost teared up typing this)

Frankly, I think I overdid it. I wish the thought of of giving that box of freebies hadn’t even entered my head. I wish I hadn’t sent them over so quickly without giving my head time recuperate from that pain of my friend losing that election. It’s strange, because if I still had that box, it would likely be sitting in a corner of my house unused.

The truth is, I have bigger problems, my parents and my family have bigger problems, but this just seems to take up my mind the whole day, and diverts my focus elsewhere. I realize, that from all of this, there are lessons to be learned. For example, not overdoing it/putting in more than I receive in a friendship, and, as I continue on the path to adulthood to have a mature relationship with my parents. However, I then find myself thinking…why did it take these incidents to learn these lessons? Why couldn’t I have just known this all along? I know I could have been better. Perhaps though, being a hormonal teenager impacts almost everyone negatively?

I am sorry if I wrote out a lot, I just want to spill out everything that runs in my mind constantly with regards to this incident. The main emotions in my head are anger, regret, sadness and guilt. My hope is by reading through this, you are able to understand where I am coming from a bit more. Please do let me know if I can clarify or answer anything further. Thank you for your help in advance, I do sincerely appreciate it!

Hi Anita,

When it comes to bigger problems, I would say it’s nothing more than the ups and downs of life that everyone faces at some point. In the past five years we’ve dealt with death and illness in the family, financial difficulties stemming from a bitter lawsuit we were forced to file (which have since then been solved, thankfully). My own family (the four us) have had our own health problems, my mom and sister have had to increase their anxiety/depression meds. Personally, I just started a new job that I love so far, but I am still trying to figure out the next steps in the coming year. I am currently applying to medical school, have no idea where that is going to go. Those are all the problems that are either current or in the last 5 years.

Any thoughts? Please let me know if this didn’t quote answer your question.

Very much appreciated,

kareem