Roller Coaster Relationship

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This topic has 20 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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April 3, 2019 at 7:53 am #287365

Rose
Participant

Good Day,

I have been in a relationship that feels like a roller coaster for 3 years. We met and it started as physical only. He has stated he does not want to be in a committed relationship but each time we end things, he comes back. We go out locally occasionally, but, aside from the physical aspect, we mostly we talk and laugh. We communicate one way or another each day, and he confides in me about very personal issues. He has been separated 3 years. I have been separated for two. Although we go out locally, I have met only one of his friends and he refuses to introduce me to the people he spends most of his time with, which includes his future ex’s siblings who live on his street. He will not tell his future ex about me and he has not told his kids about me (they are in his 20s and live with him still). He says he appreciates me and all I give, but he is still not sure if he wants a relationship. After three years. I am hurt because we have become very good friends…he tells me things no one else knows, such as about his son’s medical issues. His younger son has a drug problem and was just diagnosed with HIV. He has spent the last three years letting me in then shutting me out when things get too close. It is crazy-making. But I feel hooked. It is frustrating.

I have been a major source of support for him, even through my own cancer, two parents’ deaths and losing a job. I have never asked for anything from him because, as a parent myself, I feel for his situation with his son. My therapist and friends do not like him for me, feel he is toxic and gives nothing in return to me. My therapist works with families with drug issues, also, and she says that the fact he won’t let me into his life fully has nothing to do with his son… That he uses that as an excuse to keep me where he wants me…which is to be with me when it is convenient for him. She says there are plenty of people with drug addicted children (the HIV is a new diagnosis within the last month) that are in relationships and are a source of comfort for them.

Anyhow, I am at a crossroads. I feel like our lives are too intertwined at this point for me to continue down this emotionally painful path with him being hidden in the shadows and half in / half out. I want to be there for him, but it is hard, for example, when I go on social media a few weeks ago to see he changed his status from married to single. This happened all the while I am supporting him, listening to him cry about his son and being there unconditionally for him. Seeing that felt like he was now announcing to the world I was being hidden. It felt really bad. I asked him to please just change it to “blank” out of respect for me. He was angry at me for bringing it up because he has bigger fish to fry. I told him that those fish he is frying is why I am asking him to change it…because I am the one there for him during this fish-frying time. I felt that he can still be respectful to me even now. I had serious cancer and I still tried to treat everyone in my life with respect and dignity, especially those who offered me support.

Last, he did finally tell his mom about me last week. I was so appreciative and happy. He still does not want to tell his ex or her family and friends, who are the people he sees every day. It will be the third summer now where I cannot go on his boat with him, cannot go to parties or social gatherings with him because he does not want people to know about me. It is hard. He says he does not want me out of his life, and grapples what to do about us every day. Clearly, he is undecided, but I once read that indecision is, in itself, a decision.

So I feel really bad now that I brought up the status thing, but I also feel like he crossed a boundary with me. I also feel like I should leave because as I said I feel like this is such and emotional and painful path I am traveling with him, yet I am here at his convenience and half in/half out. Not sure what to do.

Thank you for reading this.

April 3, 2019 at 8:34 am #287377

Mark
Participant

Rose,
It sounds like you are giving your whole self away to him for it sounds like you are being very self-sacrificing. I have been a major source of support for him, even through my own cancer, two parents’ deaths and losing a job. I have never asked for anything from him…

I am curious why you are not paying attention to what your therapist is telling you about him. You don’t think he is toxic? You don’t think that he is keeping you where he wants and whenever it is convenient for him to use you, e.g. listening to him cry, etc.? He has told you upfront that he does not want to be in a committed relationship. It sounds like this is still true.

You say you are not sure what to do despite you stating that you should leave and what your therapist and friends say about him. One of the popular definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Mark

April 3, 2019 at 8:35 am #287379

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rose:

I hope your cancer is cured, that you are healthy now, are you?

“we have become very good friends… he tells me things no one else knows”, “he refuses to introduce me to the people he spends most of his time with, which includes his future ex’s siblings.. his future ex.” his kids”

– maybe his motivation in keeping you away from the people he spends most of his time with is because he doesn’t like those people, or he doesn’t like himself when he is with the people he spends so much time with.

Maybe he appreciates you so much that he doesn’t want his special time with you contaminated with his other relationships. He may be pretending with other people, his future ex, her siblings, in ways he is not pretending with you.

Is it possible?

anita

April 3, 2019 at 8:56 am #287385

Rose
Participant

Thank you Mark and Anita… I appreciate your insights.

Mark- I see what you are saying and I think that you are right…there is also a saying, “we are treated by others they way we allow ourselves to be treated”. Sometimes it is good to hear it from objective people, because it puts it all in perspective. My birthday is this month. He has not given me a card ever – nor celebrated with me. We have a lot of fun together but I feel like everything is coming to a head now that his son is sick…kind of like where the rubber meets the road. We have gone go back and forth from my knowing his intimate secrets and being there for him on such a deep level to being abandoned by him and living in the shadows. I feel (finally) like there is a lack of integrity and serious misalignment in this. And, I don’t want to abandon him right now, but then again, if I am not important enough to him to be fully a part of his life then maybe it should not matter to him if I leave or not. I guess I would find out…

Anita – I wish what you are saying was true, however, his reluctance has to do more with his indecision about whether he wants to be in a committed relationship. He is very close with his ex’s siblings and they spend a lot of time together. So, I understand it may feel awkward for him to introduce someone new, but I feel it has been long enough that he could send the message to me that I am worth the risk of any negative fall-out (however, I would be hard-pressed to think that they do not assume he is seeing other people after being separated for three years).

For some reason, his changing his “status”, although as silly as it sounds for someone in their mid-40s, really hit me because he changed it TO single just a few weeks ago. It was not like it was always single and he just forgot to change it. I felt it was a slap in the face to how unconditional and supportive I have been. I felt bad for bringing it up during this especially difficult time, but I felt paralyzed being able to be there fore him from here on out without saying something.

April 3, 2019 at 9:01 am #287387

Rose
Participant

Anita…yes, I am fine from the cancer! Thank you so much for asking!

April 3, 2019 at 9:36 am #287395

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rose:

I am glad you are healthy now and hope you do your best to keep yourself healthy.

He changed his status from married to single only a few weeks ago. It is indeed “a slap in the face”, no other way to see it.

Reads to me that the reason he told one friend about you and later, he told his mother, but not his ex or her family and friends is because that one friend and his mother are okay with him being in a relationship with you, he didn’t lose anything telling them, but his ex and her family and friends are not okay with him being in a relationship, or at least he perceives it that way, so he doesn’t want to tell them so to not lose their support.

In other words, he values the support of his ex/ her siblings/her or their mutual friends’ support more than he values your support.

What a shame! Because it reads like you have been a valuable support for him, in my mind, as I read your posts. His changing his status to Single, knowing you will be reading this, having done so for the purpose of pleasing his ex/ her siblings and friends, that is too bad, for him. Because it doesn’t read to me that their support has helped him or his son!

Well, he has made his choice, Single. Accept his choice then, as painful as it may be and be Single yourself.

It hurts to realize how we invested so much in a relationship with no return on investment, but that does happen a lot in life, financially and otherwise. What else can we do when we realize an investment didn’t yield return, but stop investing in it?

anita

April 3, 2019 at 9:47 am #287397

Rose
Participant

I love that analogy Anita! I am going to remember that. He actually told a few of his “best friends” but they are not the ones that he spends a lot of time with (because they live around 30 min away, as opposed to his wife’s family who live on the same street). But, I have only really met and spent time with one of them, who we happened to run into somewhere. As for the single status, he took it down after I voiced disappointment. I actually do not know if he thought I would see it or not because I rarely sign onto those social media sites. He said he did it more to establish his independence from his ex, as opposed to thinking about how it affected me (see a pattern?). But, regardless, he still did it. He works closely with his ex on helping their son … He said he just doesn’t want to introduce me to all those people because he is nervous if he does and then decides he doesn’t want a relationship, it won’t go well. Clearly he is an overthinker and overanalyzes. There is no doubt I have been a valuable support for him…he will tell you that himself. He says he knows what he has in me…

He is distancing himself even more now the last few weeks, which is exactly what my therapist said he would do. He was furious that I was upset about the status situation and said he almost ended it with me right there and then. He has threatened that before when I have expressed to him if I am upset about something. Apparently the term is “gaslighting” when they turn it around and make it your problem/fault.

As I sit here and read what I am writing, I am baffled as to why I am still there…

April 3, 2019 at 10:04 am #287409

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rose:

“He was furious” that you were upset, “said he almost ended it with (you) right there and then.. threatened that before”- well, he is not a nice person, is he.

“He works closely with his ex on helping their son”- it is very likely that he and his ex created his son’s problems leading to his drug addiction. Reads like he didn’t change from the way he was years ago and is not a better father to his son now than he was before. I figure this because he is not a good man in the relationship with you, currently.

Again, it is a shame, a waste of time and effort. But waste is a big part of all of our lives. Better minimize it, better make a better use of the time and resources left.

I think he has a lot of nerve expressing anger at you, he is selfish. Not a kind person.

anita

April 3, 2019 at 10:41 am #287417

Rose
Participant

Dear Anita,

That is what most people say to me about him because they feel I am very giving to him and he does not treat me the same. He does not see it. He was angry at me for expressing I was upset about the status issue because of what he is dealing with his son. And, even if he did feel my being upset was silly, in the big picture of what I bring to his life, I agree he had a lot of nerve acting that way towards me. I think you are also right about his son and creating the problems. He has told me himself he can be selfish and he is surprised how long his wife stayed with him. They had children very young.

Thank you so much for giving me some great perspective on this. It is very much appreciated.

April 3, 2019 at 10:49 am #287419

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rose:

You are welcome. He told you that “he can be selfish”. Well, he should have made sincere effort to no longer be selfish.

There is a middle ground between being selfish and selfless. The middle ground is establishing a win-win relationship, one where both parties treat each other with honesty and respect consistently.

anita

April 3, 2019 at 12:09 pm #287423
Inky
Participant
Hi Rose,

Let’s be honest here, the sex can’t be that good for all the crap he’s put you through. It CAN’T be!

I’m of the old fashioned opinion that if you want a torrid affair (single, separated, legally married, whatever) you have to Play the Game! He’s not playing the game! Listen to me: He has no game!

You need BEFORE you sleep with someone: Celebrated birthdays, introduction to his people, rides on his boat (REQUIRED) and no “Suddenly Single” statues on FaceBook (that really means that he wants to date other people).

I suggest that you Ghost him, and post on your social media over this year people celebrating your birthday, parties with handsome men, being on boats (ask people on the dock if they need a crew, most will be delighted!) and your own “Single” status on FaceBook swiftly followed by “In a Relationship”!

The longer you go without him and if the breakup (I mean ghosting) is YOUR decision, the easier it will be.

Remember, he’s not that great.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
April 3, 2019 at 12:25 pm #287427

Mark
Participant

Rose,

You are not respecting yourself if you put it that you are “abandoning” him. This is about you taking care of yourself, having some self respect and self love.

Mark

April 3, 2019 at 12:41 pm #287429

Rose
Participant

Love all the feedback, truly…and Inky, you sound like my friend B. who tells me he has no game, also…and you are right, he is not PLAYING the game!

Mark, when I was referring to being “abandoned”, I was referring to him pulling me close, then abandoning me when he refuses to let me into his life. But, either way, your point is well-taken, and I hear your message to me.

Thank you all so much…this is a major reality check.

April 4, 2019 at 9:26 am #287557

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rose:

You are welcome. Post again anytime!

anita

May 26, 2019 at 7:00 am #295737

Rose
Participant

Hello Fellow Tiny Buddhists,

I wanted to update you that he wanted another break “to think about things” and how he feels about being in a committed relationship this must be our 20th break in three years.

On the cusp of another summer with no introduction to his closest family and friends, I didn’t want to do it yet again. I have been so loyal and supportive of him in the face of his sons’s drug issue and his behavior towards me leaves me feeling like I don’t want to show so much love and care to someone who is in and out of my life at their whim and wants to take a break from me. Instead of cherishing me and what I bring to his life (he admitted he wouldn’t be happy with me out of his life but yet he wants a break from me anyway), he shuts me out when he is in the mood to do so.

So I just said goodbye and blocked him. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t endure yet another break…only to have him contact me in a week to see how I am or share news about a family member (the last two times we have taken a break, someone close to him died right afterwards) and we end up together and nothing changes. I realize I have to take care of myself and break the cycle. I feel bad about blocking him but I didn’t feel I had a choice for my own self-care.

I feel really bad for blocking him. I know he is having a tough time, but as my friends tell me he doesn’t ever seem to be considering my feelings when he does things so I need to take care of myself.

Thank you ❤️
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