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Rship – growth, anxiety and learning to move on

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  • May 9, 2020 at 8:38 am #354172
    Genie
    Participant

    Hey chicks,

    So the UK lockdown is just ongoing. Tomorrow we get some guidance from our crappy PM. The amount of time I’ve been in lockdown and without any exposure I was faced with a difficult choice;

     

    1. Jay asked if I feel comfortable coming to his if we are allowed to extend our social bubble from mon. This really was an option as I’ve been talking to him and his parents more reg and feel good/calm now.

    2. I miss my mum and sister and my mum keeps saying it’s safe to come stay if I’ve been inside all this time.

    I was so torn, anxiety was starting to creep in do I go home or to Jay’s. I want to see my family I’ll regret it if something happened to my sister and I didn’t get any quality time with her. So I’m just packing my things for at least a month and will be heading south finally. Which means I will not be on here for a while. I just want quality time with my sister, her care is demanding and I want to ease my mum. I will come back on when things are more settled so keep posting.

    I was anxious to tell Jay but that man is amazing. He said to take all the time I need and he was going to be there when I’m back. He said he understood and not to worry about what he thought, focus on your family. I cried, happy relieved tears.I have never met someone so understanding and supportive. Those pesky thoughts of why me? You are amazing and could have anyone? Why not someone else who isn’t a mess? creep in but the more I talk to him, the more they are disappearing he has given me reassurance when needed and I don’t want to be a drain and let those pesky thoughts ruin me from enjoying things. Now I cut this line of thought and say he chose me and I deserve the love I’ve wanted all along. I didn’t get it before but now I’m getting it returned, I deserve that. Everyone deserves that. Today he also sent flowers to take home for them. I can’t wait to go home and tell my mum and sister all about him and this new beginning. I feel proud and have you chicks to thank. I have decided to surprise facetime him with my mum and sister because he knows I haven’t mentioned him much so it will make him feel more engaged/inclusive in my life and I’ll send his parents something too , I want him to feel appreciated just like he does for me. I finally gave turned a corner. My anxiety would often leave me feeling drained but I know now it’s a part of me, I will always get the churning sensation when I feel loss of control, fear but i kick it to the curb rather than let it overcome me. I feel calmer.

    Soz about the long message.


    @adelaide     I can’t tell you how excited I am for you too. Your new relationship seems to he growing from strength to strength. Good communication and reciprocity makes such a world of difference. So glad you are made to feel comfortable about the physical aspect and reassured when you need. Just keep the give and take going and it will be the love story of lockdown!! You must be so excited for your first date in person!! Keep posting and I will reply when I can.

     


    @michelle     thank you mother hen! I can’t wait to read up on your travel adventures again!

    Catch you soon chicks! Xxx

     

     

     

     

    May 10, 2020 at 1:35 am #354254
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both.

    Awhhhh….I just loved your latest updates. It’s just so good to see how well you are both doing and knowing I’ve been able to be a very small part of being able to help is what makes spending time on this site worthwhile for me.  It’s also really nice to share the positive light at the end of the tunnel side – I think it’s such a strong message for others to see that it really can work out if you do face up to your issues/feelings and acknowledge and deal with them. Huge virtual hugs and celebrations all round – in my day-glow cheerleading t-shirt ofcourse 😉


    @Adelaide    . I saw that video doing the rounds, that and many other pieces like it really show how badly Boris and the UK team have handled this compared to what they could have done.  Unfortunately they tend to be more interested in controlling the media spin than the actual situation – this is probably the first time they’ve faced something with such obviously measurable results. Our new slogan “Stay Alert” is the best example yet, hilariously bad…! Eventually we’ll catch up with everyone else and get past this but it’s obviously a big shame we had to make it so much harder on ourselves for sure.  But how exciting from next week you might get to meet up in person!!! You guys sound really good already so I can only imagine how well it will go – I love all the innovative ideas and approaches that you’ve used. Being able to share your fears about your experience physically is a huge step – well done on trusting and taking that risk. It’s lovely when you get such a positive response back too. That’s how real intimacy is created, by showing others our real selves, the good, the bad & the downright ugly! It’s scary but otherwise it’s all superficial, surface stuff. Good on you. Let’s see what Monday brings!


    @Genie    . Awh, girl. I’m so proud of you about Jay’s parents – I know what that step means to you! Look at that huge difference already in how you felt about it all….it’s fantastic to read about.  You are spot on – so many people come to this forum looking for a ‘cure’ for their anxiety or want to know how to become a confident/non-anxious person. But that’s the thing, we all are who we are. You can’t magic it away or change yourself – but you can decide to behave differently. So when anxiety raises it’s head or your low self-esteem tells you that you aren’t worth it – you can acknowledge it as one possible reality – and then choose to ignore it and believe a different reality – one where you are worth it and you don’t need to let your fear stop you from doing what you want to do. That’s how true strength is built and that’s how funnily enough the anxiety goes away as you learn you can and do deal with whatever life throws at you. You no longer try and control your life so much, knowing you can handle the anxiety instead. Huge virtual hugs 🙂   I hope all goes well with the move down to your Mum’s, look forwards to hearing from you as & when you can.

    Take care both.

    May 10, 2020 at 10:12 am #354302
    Genie
    Participant

    Thank you @adelaide and @michelle for being my cheerleaders. I feel so proud too to have come a long way. I will post on @shelbyville thread too maybe one day she will read it. It’s been a journey back in dec I was ready to end it all. This thread kept me going. Anxiety is part of me , being with someone who understands me accepts the most ugly part of me has made me stronger… it’s made me accept it too. You are right its about changing the way you react or behave rather than reinventing yourself. It’s all about the right framing and adjusting your mirrors to see a better reflection of yourself . That’s how Jay puts it. He said it’s all there the confidence, the beauty, the real me and it’s all awesome..he said I just needed to adjust the mirror like you do in the car so I could see it too. He is just my angel. I can’t wait. I’m excited.

     

    Just another update but my ex contacted me again. Saying he missed me. I read it and deleted without replying. I did love that man so hard, I spent 5 years loving him hard and there were some magical moments but I don’t want it anymore. I’ve moved on and really believe theres more I deserve. This shows my confidence has really improved before I used to cry I’ll never find it again. But the on and off again was draining and to have a steady slow simmering relationship beats that. I do feel like I’ve fallen for Jay but I am going to keep it slow and steady because it’s healthy and its keeping my anxiety more calmer. No toxicity. Wow it was so empowering to not be sucked back into the vortex of my ex. Ok enough about men. I’m going HOMEeeee! Stay Alert? Lol.

    I’ll try come on once I’m settled. But keep posting xx

     

    Love lots Xx

    May 15, 2020 at 3:35 am #355128
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    Hey @genie and @michelle!

    Genie, so proud of you for how you reacted to your ex and how far you have come in recognising your worth! You are absolutely right that a stable, steady relationship is so much better than the on/off again. Sounds like you have made amazing progress in dealing with your anxiety, and you deserve every happiness that comes your way! I hope the move has gone well and you are settling in nicely.

    Excuse the shouting but LOCKDOWN IS LIFTED AND WE ARE GOING ON A REAL DATE TOMORROW! It has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions; we scheduled it at the beginning of the week BUT then my flatmate got sick with a cold and the threshold is very very low for testing here at this point so she had to get tested, which meant I couldn’t go out til she got negative results back. I could hardly concentrate today I was so angsty. Today marks 8 weeks of strict lockdown for me and I was mildly losing the plot at the thought of having to reschedule this date, especially because lots of my friends have been catching up with their families and friends the last couple of days. Luckily the test came back late this afternoon, so I am free to socialise! We are going to a local restaurant and she is clearly excited as well! It seems surreal that my first outing after two months will be to go on a date, lol! I am very proud of myself to have got to this point. Couldn’t have done it without the support of this forum. Let’s see what happens. 🙂

    Funnily enough my ex got in touch too after I posted about the testing drama and while I felt a spike of anxiety, the chemical pull mo linger has a grip! I am so glad I took the advice you first gave me Michelle which was, don’t try to keep in contact. It felt so awful at the time but you were so right – worth it in the long term.

    Hope you are both keeping safe over there – and staying alert – whatever that bloody means!! Will update you after the date. Wish me luck!!!

    May 17, 2020 at 5:05 am #355492
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    oh the rollercoaster of dating!! Buckle up @genie and @michelle

    So we met up last night and things went well. After 8 weeks of not having face to face interaction with anyone but my two flatmates I was more than a bit shellshocked. But I warmed up soon enough and we had a nice dinner and then went back to my place to watch a movie as planned. It was a bit awkward at first, as these first times are, but soon enough we ended up holding hands and then cuddling and I felt so nice and warm and fuzzy. Then the movie ended and the credits rolled and she repositioned herself to kiss me and all my fantasies were becoming reality. Things carried on for quite awhile; we were clearly both into it, off came clothes and well, things got a bit more physical than I expected even. Then we just lay together for for awhile, in the glow, you know the one. And then she left because she had to drive home and while part of me wanted her to stay I reassured myself that there was plenty of time for that. She thanked me for a lovely night and said she’d had a good time; I agreed. She messaged me a funny picture, sort of an inside joke, when she got home and I responded about it in relation our next date and she agreed.  I fell asleep feeling great, excited to explore things more now we could meet regularly.

    this morning I woke up feeling very anxious as I usually do after dates, and especially this time as things had obviously escalated way beyond what they had before. I resisted texting her immediately and zoomed with an overseas friend. Then I found that she had left something behind so I took a photo and sent a jokey text. She responded straight away and we had a few texts back and forth, but she seemed less enthusiastic than me in tone which worried me. I wanted to seek reassurance that she’d found things ok and apologise for potentiality being a bit hesitant physically and explain there was a lot to process going from 8 weeks of no contact to a lot of physical contact. But I reminded myself that that strategy doesn’t work and to just try and sit with it and trust she meant what she said.

    Then I got a text a few hours later and I knew seeing the length in the preview that it was a rejection text. She basically said that while she’s so glad we got to meet and that I’m x y and z good quality being with me made her realise she’s not over her last relationship and didn’t want to string me along, but would love to be friends. Oh that familiar sting of rejection!!! I spent a few minutes thinking about a response and essentially thanked her for her honesty but also said that I had gotten my hopes up and wasn’t sure I was up for friendship before I worked through my feelings. I also asked if I could have done anything differently. We ended up having a really nice, but sad, “it’s not you it’s me” exchange. I told her that while it will hurt because she has become a comforting part of my life I needed to cut contact for awhile (learning!) and would be in touch in a few weeks to see where I was at in terms of being friends. She said she would miss my messages too but would be here when I was ready.

    And then I reached out to the one friend who knew the most about it and cried and cried, reaches out to more friends, and cried some more! And here I am, lying in bed lamenting that we were here together just last night and cursing being in this situation again. Do I think she was someone I would have been with forever? No, but the loss of potential is sad all the same. We had started making plans; she had invited me to a birthday party she was planning to have in a month with close friends and family. I don’t doubt she had feelings for me, but I guess felt she couldn’t commit to it fully. The fact I couldn’t have done anything differently both heartens and saddens me, because it illustrates perfectly how things are often not in our control – timing, where other people are at, and so on, and that’s hard.

    So anyway, no doubt I’ll be sad for awhile. And who knows what our relationship will be in future, but I have learned that only time brings clarity and for now I have to just take care of myself. This whole experience did teach me that I for one am 100% over my ex which is great progress in itself, and I wish the same for her because it’s awful pining over something in the past while letting new possibilities I.e. a relationship with me pass you by. I do feel a whole lot stronger this time and I know I will be ok – obviously things didn’t progress to the same extent as they did last time, so it’s not heartbreak just bitter disappointment! I am proud that I put myself out there again and proud I have chosen a decisive course of action and set firm boundaries from the start. I have definitely learned a lot- just have to trust that one day the timing is right. But for tonight and maybe a few after that, I’ll let myself cry about it!!!

    Thanks for reading. Love to you both.

     

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Adelaide1.
    May 18, 2020 at 12:24 pm #355776
    Genie
    Participant

    @adelaide I don’t have the time since getting to my mums its been non stop but I had to reply after I read this during a brief break.

    Let me get this out the way, I’m doing well, ecstatic to see my sis after so long so far she’s doing great. Jay and I have ants in pants, things are good but both of us have the urge to see each other now. The care involved with my sister is intense so I will not be on as regularly but will reply when I can. My anxiety is calm still.


    @Adelaide     reading what you wrote is bittersweet. Naturally we were cheering you on but I feel all is not lost. I’m very proud of you chick because you yourself said it. The progress in getting over your ex! That is huge milestone. So Go Go Adelaide!!!

    You have learnt and developed a lot, you realise it’s not your fault or something wrong within you. So self esteem and worth is high chick, keep it going!! It is a case of the other person not being where you are at and emotionally unavailable to be in a relationship. Not your fault at all.

    It is sad you went from euphoria to feeling gutted but another positive is you got to overcome any physical intimacy worries. You put yourself out there and really fully risked it. That takes courage and strength and you should cry but tears of happiness at how far you’ve come. My mum always says dating is a numbers game. Some hit the jackpot right away others takes a few lessons so this is just another learning experience so don’t let it set you back.

    I feel like I’ve been there but in reverse roles. If you feel that this person is potential then don’t cut contact. Do tske time you need to yourself if its hard to jump into being friends. If I had cut all contact with Jay when I was still pining over my ex then I would have lost the greatest opportunity. Yes I was stupid for not realising what a great man I had right there but healing is a process and Jay proved he was right for me because he stood by me through the worst. Now it’s my turn to repay that patience and be the woman he deserves and meet his needs too. It’s a give and take and requires patience and communication.
    My mum has always said the best relationship start off as friends. So give it a go if it’s too hard or not worth it cut your losses and move on. You know you are capable of doing that because look how far you have come since you started posting. Love is not like Hollywood films that they sell us. It is hard work and you need someone who will put the work in with you. Along the way there will be some bumps but the ending will be worth it because you’ll have got exactly what you deserve.

    GO GO Adelaide! You’re so awesome, you’ll get back up and enjoy what’s to come!

    May 22, 2020 at 3:29 pm #356444
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    @Genie thank you so much for taking the time to reply even in your busy schedule. I hope you and Jay can see each other soon! The reunion will be sooo worth it. I hope things are going well at your family’s place. They are lucky to have you!

    Your advice around not cutting all contact is solid; at the moment I feel the distance is beneficial but I would like to connect up with her again in a few weeks.

    I did get back in touch with her briefly earlier in the week  because a friend of mine, through a friend of hers, sent me some information about past behaviour of hers that really didn’t sit well with me. The friend of the friend somehow found out that we had been dating and thought it was important I know. I am not one to give too much weight to gossip but it was weighing on my mind so I asked her about it and we had a brief conversation. I am glad I raised it now because it was clouding my feelings somewhat and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable starting up contact with her again without her knowing that I know. she seems to own what she did and be making changes in her life as a result so I don’t think it will affect our chances of friendship.

    It’s been interesting observing my feelings. I was very sad the day and night of receiving her text, and I just let myself cry as much as I could. But since then I have not been nearly as sad, like I had a short, sharp burst of it and now it’s tapered off. I can feel myself learning to just let emotions pass through and know that I won’t feel this way forever; this is great progress for me as throughout my life I’ve been taught to put on a “brave face” and it has made things harder in the long run because I don’t give myself the time to process hard things properly. It has also been beneficial to be able to lean on friends- I have some amazing friends who are so supportive of me which always helps.

    You are right Genie, love and relationships certainly aren’t like Hollywood films! Lets hope there aren’t tooooo many more lessons eh! Thanks again for the ongoing cheerleading! Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

    I hope you are okay @michelle. I miss your posts; check in when you can. X

    June 8, 2020 at 11:51 am #357948
    Genie
    Participant

    Hey @adelaide1,

    I realised I hadn’t been on for few weeks so had to search for this thread!! I saw your other posts so I caught up.

     

    Quick recap of my life ; my sister got into few normal complications but luckily were able to get her stable. I’ll be returning home in few weeks,  lockdown will be lifted soon and shops and pubs reopened. Jay and I are doing great. He has a surprise date planned when I go back then a Sunday roast with his parents. I’m excited. He has been incredible.

     

    Onto you chick, I’m so impressed with of your strength to not let this latest knockback not stop you from being the wonderful you that you are. I’m not going to say much but I will not be posting on this thread again. I thought it was a place to vent and help when you can. It disheartened me to read that someone had decided to pick one sentence to summarise our interactions and make it appear like I did not appreciate your help and character. All I can say is I have always been your biggest cheerleader and I’m proud of you. Your self worth is beginning to grow as it should but it has to come from within. Rewiring those negative thoughts. Don’t seek validation in form of others. If you have good people surround yourself with them and you are a very smart cookie and know who is adding substance to your life. Hold onto those people and try just like I did with Jay. Love is a hard rocky road but unless you try and risk it you’ll never really experience it to its fullest. You are one of the rare gems that can love unconditionally so don’t you dare change that and become bitter. Trust in your journey. I believe with your inner strength and willpower you will realise your own worth. If someone is not meeting your needs no matter how much you want it. Walk away, the longer you stay the more it will chip away at you and your self esteem. So start of by yourself, build yourself up and gain confidence in what you have to offer this world. Which is a lot but unless you CHOOSE to believe it, it will never manifest. Then look at the people you choose vs. The ones you ignore. Often the ones you think are best aren’t. With more self worth you’ll realise it. All the best Adelaide. I would have loved to follow your journey to love but this forum has made me feel judged not something I like aso I choose to walk away. GO GO ADELAIDE xxxx

     


    @Michelle     you look as awesome as you have been. You are a tomboy :p thanks for all the help with Jay xxxx

    June 8, 2020 at 12:13 pm #357950
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    @Genie

    I will reply properly later but just wanted to say that I am sorry you feel judged and are planning on leaving. I have really appreciated your support and I hope that you reconsider that and at least post occasionally. I did not see you not wanting to communicate offline as a rejection of me, just a personal preference on your part.

    I am glad to hear you are safe and things with Jay are going well. You deserve it! xxx

    June 10, 2020 at 5:05 am #358115
    Genie
    Participant

    @adelaide1 hey chick you have nothing to be sorry about. It just was a little insensitive and not pleasant to read. @michelle has also given a lot of her time to a lot of people on this thread without even sharing any woes of her own. So things like that make me annoyed when they put across like that. I’m still angry and when I am I can get stubborn so we shall have to see but right now this forum has left a bad taste in my mouth.

     

    You are an amazing awesome chick, reading about your activism and your resilience already shows how much inner strength you have. Use that to conjure up the seld worth and stand up for your love and needs in a relationship too.  Do you not deserve the same equality in that? Yes you do! Every human deserves to be loved in a way that makes them feel an equal and that they too are special, bring something to this world. Use your activism energy and challenge it into your relationships. You’ll be more bolder and less willing to take the crap. Self worth is sticking up for yourself. So no point sticking up for the rights of others, if you don’t do right by yourself!! You have all the strength and are a smart cookie! Xxx

    June 28, 2020 at 4:39 am #359825
    Adelaide1
    Participant

    @Genie

    Thanks for your wise words and ongoing support. Sorry I haven’t replied earlier; things have felt a hard lately as I said on the other thread. But I do feel I am making progress in improving my self esteem and confidence, despite that. I get frustrated at myself, sure, but at the end of the day, I know I am a kind, generous, intelligent person who is trying to grow and learn and I am proud of myself for that, and like you say deserve to have my needs met. So I will keep working on consistently believing that, and the rest will follow. 🙂

    So happy to hear you and Jay are going well. Enjoy every bit of it! Xx

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