Dear  Nick:

Did  I understand correctly: you live alone with your mother who suffers from brain injury. You take care of her and you work full time. Last Christmas your siblings came over the home you share with your mother and the visit didn’t feel good to you. One brother is angry with you.

You dream of moving to the US for a better life  for yourself.

Did I understand correctly so far,  and if so, how much care does  your mother need/ is she partly functional?  When you work, who takes care of  her  and  who  will take care of her if you move to the US?

anita

Dear Nick:

Tell me more about what happened during Christmas, that would  be helpful to me, trying to understand  why it is since Christmas that you are “yearning for pastures new”.

anita

Dear Nick:

When animals feel fear, they prepare to either run away or fight. As you probably know  it, it is called the Flight/Fight response. Your fear increased since Christmas and you have been engaged in the Flight Response ever since, preparing to run away.

Better lower your anxiety (an ongoing fear not based on real life danger). That is the  first thing to do.

How did you try to lower your anxiety so far?

anita

Dear Nick:

I will re-read your recent post and any other that you may add and post to you tomorrow morning, in about 13 hours from now.

anita

Dear Nick:

You are welcome!

A retelling of what you shared so far:

Your mother suffered a brain injury four years ago. She is lucid, mobile (with a frame), semi independent, and  otherwise in good health.  She has two care visits every day. You live with he, in a quiet village, having lots of friends and a German Shepherd, and you work  full time. When at home, you look after her. Recently you imagined  her “not being around” and that made  you incredibly anxious, “so I spent  even more  time with Mum and  actually held her hand”.

You have siblings who recently visited you and your mum for Christmas. Your relationships with them is strained. You used to be close to one of your brother who recently (and during Christmas) “hardly talks to us because  we  couldn’t take him in when he was going  through a  challenging period in his life…  his sense of rejection is palpable”. It made you “incredibly sad that as a family we are disconnected”.

You have an uncle who lives in the US as a permanent resident. He invited you to visit  him for a few weeks. Since Christmas, you have “this obsession with moving to the United States because I believe that I  can forge a  better and more fulfilling life.  You are  “constantly watching video diaries of ex-pats who have made the US their home”. You feel “stuck in a constant  cycle of yearning for pastures new but not being able to”. You believe it is “certainly not the right time  to be moving across the  pond”.

You started questioning your skills and abilities and “criticizing myself for not knowing enough in my line of work”, thinking that you would never be accepted in the US because of this perceived lack. Most recently, you jotted down all your skills, abilities and  qualifications and  realized your concerns are unfounded.

And  now my thoughts: I think that  the key sentence is this: “it made me incredibly sad that as a family we were disconnected”. I have more thoughts  but also two questions that are too  important to not be  asked:

1. You wrote: “I spent even more time with Mum and  actually held her hand”, reads like it  was unusual for you to hold  her hand, was it? How did it feel her hand in yours?

2. You wrote: “I’ve  gone back to being a child (temporarily), nothing  wrong with that, perhaps there are wounds that need to be dressed“, dressed or addressed? Can you elaborate on this sentence: how did you go back to  being a child, in what ways, and what wounds are you referring to?

anita

Dear Nick:

Clearly you love  your mother very much. But then we all love our mothers.. even when we hate her.   Underneath there is always love for our parents. We love them no matter what, truly an unconditional kind  of love.

As you fear losing her, an event that did not happen yet, you already lost so much. You lost the hopes and dreams of having one happy family, where you will feel safe and content, knowing your mother is happy, your siblings are happy, and you can then attend to your own well being, free to venture into a life of your own.

I think it is the fear of being aware of what you already lost that scares you. There  will never be a family-of-origin for you that is well, connected, happy. So waiting  for this before you make your own life is useless, there will be no end to such a wait.

I think that you want  to leave your family of origin and make a life for yourself, a life of your choosing. Am I correct?

anita

Dear Nick:

I am glad you are feeling better.

“My siblings have been a disgrace”. You are the good son then. It must feel good but  maybe it is also a burden?

anita