Thank you, Alessa. I will do my very best to not fail you again!

Steady ❤️ ❤️ ❤️, Anita

* Oopsie, reading my post above- I forgot a zero: 100%, not 10%

Hi Alessa and Everyone:

Thank you for the reply, Alessa, and for welcoming everyone on your thread ❤️

If this thread, or any other in the forums, feels safe place for me to publicly reflect further, I will.

As is, I don’t feel safe to publicly reflect, so I will go back to reflecting privately.

❤️ 🌿 Anita

Dear Anita,

I do understand your need to feel safe. It also appears that you don’t feel safe if there’s a possibility that you might be faced with unfavorable feedback, right?

But the thing is: whenever we post in a public forum, there is a possibility that we might receive unfavorable feedback. It’s just the nature of public spaces. And that’s why, I think that we all need to be willing to accept the risk of receiving unfavorable feedback.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should tolerate abuse. There are rules and guidelines that define the code of conduct here, and if these rules are not kept, the moderator can intervene and prevent abusive posts. So the moderator is what keeps this place safe, i.e. free from abuse.

I believe that if we start imposing extra requirements, e.g. that certain people shouldn’t post in certain threads – preemptively, so that we can feel safe – unfortunately, that’s already infringing on people’s rights to freely express themselves in a public forum.

Because we’re requiring people to refrain from posting (or we’re asking others to do that on our behalf), because we feel threatened by them and they might say something we don’t like down the line. That’s basically censorship because it’s about preemptive action: not allowing certain people to post – only because we feel threatened by them. They might have not even said anything, and yet we don’t want them to speak, lest they say something we deem hurtful.

I don’t know if you can see that this would be censorship, Anita, and not really congruent with the rules (and the spirit) of a public forum? Preemptive attempts to prevent people from posting vs. case-by-case intervention by a moderator if real abuse has taken place. The former is censorship, the latter is keeping the forum safe. Huge difference. I hope you can see it?

What I’m also noticing is that your stance on sharing in public vs. private has changed in the last day or two. Whereas right after the conflict you said you’re planning to take your time to reflect privately, and that it may take a month or two, yesterday you’ve expressed to Alessa that you would prefer to reflect publicly:

My only motivation is to honestly reflect.. and seems like it’s difficult for me to do so privately. I am used to express publicly.

Have you thought about why it’s easier for you to reflect publicly than privately? Because honestly, doing any kind of self-reflection in public is much more exposed, much more vulnerable, than doing it in private. Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the entire world, so to speak, is really putting ourselves out there.

What I’m noticing is that you really want to share deeply, to “put yourself out there”, however it’s very hard for you to receive any unfavorable feedback (or what you might perceive as unfavorable). You want to be shielded from that.

But I’m afraid those are two contradictory desires, which cannot really be met simultaneously, because we’re talking about a public forum.

Please don’t take this as criticism, Anita, but simply noticing a certain dynamic, a certain struggle in you, and inviting you to take it into consideration, to reflect on it. ❤️

I hope that on this forum, we’re able to really hear each other, understand each other, and share without fearing each other. Because I think that’s what safe and brave places should be about ❤️

Dear Tee:

Thank you for an excellent explanation. Excellent because it’s clear, easy to understand, and the spirit behind it, the intent, the motivation are positive, non accusatory, but gentle.

I want to respond to your message part by part:

“I do understand your need to feel safe. It also appears that you don’t feel safe if there’s a possibility that you might be faced with unfavorable feedback, right?”- yes.

“But the thing is: whenever we post in a public forum, there is a possibility that we might receive unfavorable feedback. It’s just the nature of public spaces. And that’s why, I think that we all need to be willing to accept the risk of receiving unfavorable feedback.”-

True, it didn’t occur to me, this truth didn’t cross my mind. This is one of these times that I notice the limits of my intelligence.

“Of course, this doesn’t mean we should tolerate abuse. There are rules and guidelines that define the code of conduct here, and if these rules are not kept, the moderator can intervene and prevent abusive posts. So the moderator is what keeps this place safe, i.e. free from abuse.”-

I am looking for the Forum Guidelines for a Positive Space (April 5, 2013) for the definition of abuse: “5. Keep it friendly.
We don’t need to all agree, but we need to treat each other respectfully, without attacking, insulting, bullying, condescending, shaming, threatening, or in any way harassing each other. 6. Remember that Tiny Buddha is a family place. If you’d be shocked to hear a five-year old say it, you may want to choose different language.”- I’ll get back to this later.

“I believe that if we start imposing extra requirements, e.g. that certain people shouldn’t post in certain threads – preemptively, so that we can feel safe – unfortunately, that’s already infringing on people’s rights to freely express themselves in a public forum.”-

I agree, but in my message to Alessa almost 24 hours ago, I didn’t suggest that certain people should not post in her thread, I asked her for protection if they post with accusations against me (“To honestly reflect publicly, I need to feel safe, and I am hoping that here, you will protect me from accusations resurfacing, so that I can continue to reflect.”) Meaning, if they post negatively, I was hoping that Alessa would stand up for me so to create a safe place for me.

Was that wrong of me, Tee? Was it censorship, and if so, how? I would very much appreciate your input on this.

“That’s basically censorship because it’s about preemptive action: not allowing certain people to post – only because we feel threatened by them… I don’t know if you can see that this would be censorship, Anita, and not really congruent with the rules (and the spirit) of a public forum? Preemptive attempts to prevent people from posting vs. case-by-case intervention by a moderator if real abuse has taken place. The former is censorship, the latter is keeping the forum safe. Huge difference. I hope you can see it?”-

I don’t see it yet in regard to my post of 24 hours ago (hoping you’d explain this to me), but generally, you’re saying that I fear criticism so I made people whose criticism I fear- uncomfortable about posting. And that was censorship, that is, unfair control of the space..? I don’t want to make you work too hard, but if you have an example or two in mind (no need to go back and gather quotes if it’s too much work), please let me know.

“What I’m also noticing is that your stance on sharing in public vs. private has changed in the last day or two. Whereas right after the conflict you said you’re planning to take your time to reflect privately, and that it may take a month or two, yesterday you’ve expressed to Alessa that you would prefer to reflect publicly”-

Yes, my stance changed simply because Alessa wrote: “Hi Anita I understand that these things are tiring and painful…Try not to beat yourself up over something that you were born into. People cannot change something that they aren’t aware of. Now you are aware and as painful as it is, it is a blessing. ❤️”- I was touched by this supportive post so much that I thought that Alessa would care to create a safe space for me to develop my awareness in her thread.

“Have you thought about why it’s easier for you to reflect publicly than privately?”-

There’s something about being heard by other people (here, a public forum) that means a lot to me, so much more than hearing my own thoughts all by myself. The first feels like connection, the second feels like aloneness or loneliness.

“Because honestly, doing any kind of self-reflection in public is much more exposed, much more vulnerable, than doing it in private. Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the entire world, so to speak, is really putting ourselves out there.”-

I agree. You’re right. It really is putting myself out there.

“Sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with the entire world”-

Yes, I realize now the motivation on my part. It’s a sort of overcompensation: from the intense loneliness of childhood and adolescence, where I wasn’t allowed to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with NO ONE => => => sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with the ENTIRE WORLD.

(I am using big case letters because I lost the boldface & italicizing features)

“What I’m noticing is that you really want to share deeply, to ‘put yourself out there’, however it’s very hard for you to receive any unfavorable feedback (or what you might perceive as unfavorable). You want to be shielded from that.”-

I need to be open to unfavorable feedback, yes. On the other hand, I need not be open to abuse. Later this morning, I will include Brandy’s last message to me, which feels abusive to me. It is okay with me whether or not you choose to let me know if you think it’s abusive. I would like to know, but again, I wouldn’t like you to work too hard.. or to be uncomfortable about perhaps taking sides..?

.. I know you to passionately take sides- in your many replies to members over the years- when you suspected or detected abuse in their lives.

“But I’m afraid those are two contradictory desires, which cannot really be met simultaneously, because we’re talking about a public forum.”- True.

“Please don’t take this as criticism, Anita, but simply noticing a certain dynamic, a certain struggle in you, and inviting you to take it into consideration, to reflect on it. ❤️”-

Thank you Tee. I am not taking this as criticism, at least not the negative kind. I trust your analytical intelligence and I trust your intent. I admire your character and integrity.

“I hope that on this forum, we’re able to really hear each other, understand each other, and share without fearing each other. Because I think that’s what safe and brave places should be about ❤️”-

I would like this very much, Tee ❤️

🌿 Anita