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Scared to let someone in.

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  • #72999
    Claudia
    Participant

    Hello! This is my second post. I received really helpful advice on my first post so I’m back in need of some more. I am about to turn 23 and never had an intimate relationship, physical nor emotional, with a man. Ever. I would, of course, love to someday. My issue is that even when I meet a cute guy or whatever, the thought of getting close to him literally scares the crap out of me and my chest tightens and I feel really, I don’t know, emotionally sick? I have this fear of letting someone get to really know me. There is this guy I thought was cute once and have his number and am tempted to text him. I am scared he will reject me, but at the same time, I’m scared he won’t. If he does reject, I’ll feel like hell. But if he doesn’t, I would actually have to go out on a date with him. I have never been on one. I would love to date, but at the same time I am so comfortable being in this single sphere I have. I’m afraid I will get close to a guy and he will hurt me. I’m scared that a guy will think he likes me, then I disappoint. I’m scared of opening up. I know I have a fear of intimacy. I’m at the point where I am trying to accept that single is something I will probably be forever. Any words of wisdom?

    #73003
    Stephen
    Participant

    HI!

    I can really sympathize with your situation. As a guy, I want you to know that we deal with the same fear of rejection, too. It stinks. The thing is, it’s hard at first, but your life can only get better after a rejection, because you’re not stuck wondering about it. If he accepts, then you just go out like you’re friends, but there will be more touching.

    Warning: Rant will ensue
    As someone who is a little older than you, I want you to know that comfort may seem nice now, but in seven years you may agree with me that COMFORT SUCKS! Comfort is fear. Fear sucks. When you see fear as excitement, that is awesome! What is the most exciting thing you’ve ever done? Sky dive? Climb a mountain? Fly to the moon? Go on a roller coaster? Guess what, none of those things are comfortable! Do you want comfort, or do you want awesome? Get uncomfortable!
    End of rant. 🙂

    If you just recently met and exchanged numbers, he gave it to you for a reason! Tell him about something you saw or heard that reminded you of him, ask him about something you know he’s interested in, or about something you would be interested in knowing about him, see if he likes the same things you do, and then ask him for a drink!

    If you used to be close and then drifted apart, you might be able to go slower or faster, depending on how close you were. Coffee is less intimate then a dinner date, so if it’s been a while, that might be a good place to start. Or if you know him well enough to suggest an activity, you can start there.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Stephen.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Stephen.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Stephen.
    #73007
    Claudia
    Participant

    Thanks for your response! I know that I have created this little box of comfort because I am terrified. I want to be loved. I know I have a lot of love to give. But I always feel like I am, I guess, not good enough? I feel like I have too many imperfections or because I don’t have a career going or that I don’t have any talents or that I am not pretty enough that I am unworthy or something. I can’t even explain how scared I am of both never meeting anyone and actually meeting someone who is interested. I know these feelings aren’t normal. At 23, I feel like I am already late in the game and inexperienced and the older I get the harder it will be for me to shake these fears. Maybe I am just someone who is meant to be unhappy and scared.

    #73008
    Stephen
    Participant

    Everyone is meant for happiness and awesomeness :), but…

    It’s like compounded interest, have you ever taken an economics course in college? Anyway, if you put a little in the bank now, it grows and grows and grows. If you wait five years or ten years, and then put a little in the bank, you’ll never have as much as you would if you started now.

    So it will get harder, if you wait. If you start now, it will get easier.

    Also, if I may be so bold: take all that love that you have and give it to people who really need it. Is there some perfect guy out there with rugged good looks who needs your love? Maybe; but there are millions of people and animals who are poor and lonely and sick who need that love too. Find an outlet for your love that doesn’t require a specific person. Volunteer with an organization, or visit with an elderly neighbor.

    If you start sharing yourself with other people now, when a man falls in love with you because of what an awesome human you are, you will have practiced enough that it will just be effortless.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Stephen.
    #73020
    Paula
    Participant

    Hopelessdreamer,

    You’re receiving some valuable advice and tips from Stephen. A guy’s perspective is always so important! I’d also like to acknowledge your level of self-awareness. That is so important in moving forward successfully! What kinds of practices or exercises do you or have you done to explore your feelings about your self? Do you currently take part in any self-care practices that nourish, honor, and acknowledge who you are as an individual and your worthiness?

    Get out of your comfort zone, definitely! At the same time, begin some personal development work to dissolve and transmute your fears. Different practices like journaling, emotional freedom technique (EFT) and affirmations are all great places to start.

    Much love my friend,
    Paula

    #73026
    Claudia
    Participant

    Thanks to both of you for the helpful advice. Stephen, you’re so right about the longer you wait, the harder it becomes. Maybe I will text this guy not necessarily because it could lead to romance, but to do it to show myself that I can, and that whatever happens, rejected or not, it’s not the end of the world.
    Paula, I do journal which is good because it gives me a chance to self reflect and I have tried to do affirmations, but on my low, sad days, I completely find it hard to be positive. I have never heard of EFT but will look into it.
    Thanks again!

    #73029
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey hopelessdreamer (you’re only 23, nothing is hopeless! lol…not meant to critique, just saying that you have a lot of time on your side) 🙂

    I don’t know if this story is of any use, but I will share on the chance that it might be. I am 43, have been married for 18 years but have been with my husband since I was 16, so that means 27 years together. When we met, we went out for a bike ride a couple of times as friends (although I knew already that I liked him as more). Anyway, to make a long story short, he asked me at least three times if he could kiss me (being the gentleman I suppose) and each time I froze up and got that weird feeling in my chest that you described. I think it was the third time when I finally realized that if I didn’t do something fast, I was going to seriously send the wrong signal and blow everything. He asked, I hesitated and finally I blurted out “Just do it!”. He did, it was amazing and it was basically ‘happily ever after’ from that moment on. I still don’t know why I was so hesitant, (I think his mustache and my limited kissing experience had something to do with it…lol).

    Anyway, the point of my story was that despite my panic stricken state, I pushed past it and seized the opportunity…an opportunity that eventually produced a relatively happy life shared together, common goals and dreams and 3 beautiful children to nurture together. Sure I can stop to wonder what might have happened if I hadn’t pushed through that moment…but really, why would I want to?

    Start with the guy whose cell phone number you have. Send him a brief message and confess to him that you think he’s cute but you are super shy (I may be wrong here, but I see nothing wrong with putting a gentler label on your insecurities). Ask him if there’s any chance that he might be interested in helping you, as a friend, to come out of your shell a bit. See where that goes.

    Yes, I confess it will require a particularly large leap of faith on your part into that scary place, but if he doesn’t respond, pick yourself up and try again (he wasn’t worth the effort in the first place), but whatever you do, don’t give up…keep moving forward even when it’s scary. You have nothing to lose by asking others to help you a little bit. Once you have had a little bit of practice, it will get easier.

    Oh, and just a word of advice, if you meet a gentleman who asks you if he can kiss you, leap hard again and then hold on!

    #73045
    Jim McCarthy
    Participant

    I was just thinking about this topic of dating and relationships. I think many of us enter into a relationship not realizing how vulnerable we are emotionally. It isn’t until many of us grow older [me specifically], are disappointed and hurt a few times that we start to become aware of who we are mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It’s taken me over 30 years of living, therapy and watching Oprah to realize relationships are much healthier, enjoyable and enduring when I’m thinking, feeling and acting from a position of confidence, self-respect and self love. I’ll admit that I’ve done my share of disappointing and hurting others too.
    I want to echo what Paula said about self awareness and exploring your feelings. Listening to our hearts and intuition is such a valuable compass in making good, healthy choices and moving forward.
    I suggest you read Steve Harvey’s books on dating. He offers humorous and practical advice that will guide you in make sound healthy choices.
    God bless, Jim

    #73071
    Wednesday Genius
    Participant

    Hopeless dreamer, you’ve received such good comments from everyone.

    I don’t know your background but I hope that the perspective I offer helps in some way.

    Another perspective is that what you’re feeling is pure and utter roller-coaster-thrilling excitement.

    The kind you get when you are young and later when you’re a satisfied, middle-aged woman with your life’s dream around you, you look back and smile at the thrilling highs and lows of the emotions that proved to you that life flows through your veins.

    It’s a beautiful feeling and you’re only scared because it’s so powerful and you want it so much that the fears are amplified. (If the guy was a dork or someone sitting squarely on the average line, you’d have tons of confidence texting him).

    Enjoy the feeling! As paradoxical as it seems, this feeling is something you will treasure 🙂

    PS: I’m conscious that I’m kind of transferring my experience here because me and hubby have been together 26 years and I still remember how scared I was in those early days. And the trauma when we broke up to focus on exams and the heady exhiliration of getting back together.

    My point is, you’re going to have emotions and some are going to ride you the way the sea rides a fishing boat.

    Coach yourself with self-awareness and all the other great skills to keep you strong and stabilised and just feel the fear and do it anyway.

    PPS: Being “late in the game” is more in your head than it is in his. It’s not a negative.

    #73085
    aztech91
    Participant

    Hi Hopelessdreamer,

    This is my first post here, I am 22 and I am facing the same thing as you. Have always been in a state of ambiguity and totally experiencing your feelings now! can’t offer much helpful advice, but I guess after I read the above answers, they have certainly guide me in certain ways.

    Just want to let you know that you are not alone, and I hope both of us will come out of this comfort sphere of being single soon.

    Aztech91

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