Scared to start dating

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

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April 16, 2018 at 6:51 pm #202711

Rose
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I’m 32 and came out of a long term relationship 4 years ago but I’m terrified of dating. I was with my ex for 10 years and he was my first long term relationship.

I feel stuck and frozen in my current situation, I want to find someone else but can’t seem to take the next steps of dating. I dated a friend of a friend couple of years ago but that put me off because we were so not right for each other and it left me wondering why they thought we would be a good couple.

Ive downloaded dating apps but it just doesn’t feel like me and I feel paralysed with fear rather than taking it as a bit of fun. It’s ruining my outlook on life and I’m feeling more introverted and hiding away from things more often.

any advice?

April 16, 2018 at 9:49 pm #202741

Mark
Participant

Rose,

Go find things that you like to do that involve other people. Church. Meetup.com. Clubs/sports/activities. Take classes. Forget about dating for now. Get comfortable with yourself and being social.

Mark

April 17, 2018 at 12:07 am #202751

ally
Participant

Hi Rose,

I empathize with your fear and anxiety. I actually went on a date with someone who had the exact problem as you. From the advice of their therapist they did exposure therapy, basically just going on as many first dates as possible until they werent scary anymore. I also recommend this. Once you do something a few times you eliminate the fear behind it. I know this sounds like a big jump but going out for a coffee with someone and saying you only have an hour is a great start. Our best way to get over our fears is to face them! I wish you the best of luck 🙂

April 17, 2018 at 1:36 am #202759

Eliana
Participant

Hi Rose,

I think you are thinking about it so much, expecting fear, thereby “psyching” yourself out. Maybe instead of thinking “I am going out a a date” try to think, “I am going out to meet a new friend” that will take the pressure off. I think if we haven’t dated in a while, it’s easy to fall in a trap of negative thinking, and letting self-defeating thoughts take over. We re-play old tapes in our mind. For example “will he like me” “ask me on a 2nd date?”. ” Do I look okay?” “What should I wear”..and so on. Instead, look at it as meeting a new friend, and ask yourself instead of you will like them, if they are compatible with you, and so on..kind of “turning things around”. Keep posting with any thoughts..

April 17, 2018 at 3:40 am #202783

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rose:

Your long term relationship lasted from the time you were 18 to 28.

Four years after the ending of this long relationship, you are “terrified of dating… stuck and frozen… paralyzed with fear”. These are strong terms. Fear is in the very title of your thread: “Scared to start dating”

If you would like to explore further the nature of your anxiety (ongoing fear), will you share about any kind of anxiety you experienced before, as early back as you remember?

anita

April 17, 2018 at 4:28 am #202789

Inky
Participant

Hi Rose,

Think of it this way: If love happened to you once, it can happen to you again. You found someone the minute you became an adult, and the relationship lasted well into your late twenties! A decade long romance is nothing to sneeze at! Finding love is actually natural for you! You were MADE for this! There are literally thousands of people in your area looking for someone just like you!

I’d say Good Luck, but you don’t need it!

Best,

Inky
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