August 10, 2018 at 11:17 pm #221103
I have not posted in a long time here but days like today reminded me the beauty of having connections at a platform like this.
I don't know where to start, my thoughts might sound fragmented. I have had an interesting childhood, my parents left me when I was 9 years old with my grandparents. I was reunited with them at the age of 17. That period was really tough. I never had any guidance and just learned to do things on my own. I had the instrumental resources ( financially and otherwise ) but never the emotional support. I learned the true meaning of loneliness as a 9 year old and that went on for the next 8 years. Before the age of 9, my dad was never really involved and my mother practically raised me to the best of her ability, pretty much singlehandedly. I have no complaints with her to that point. Fast forward to the age of 17, I have brother who is on the autism spectrum, my mother suffers from depression ( even though she fails to admit it), my dad lives in his own world and still uninvolved like always.
I am a different person today. In the last few years, I have gotten a chance to reflect on my inner self a lot. I suffer from a form of loneliness that no amount of social gatherings, friend circles can fulfill. You know that saying ” human soul craves nothing more than being seen”. I don't know if this is a byproduct of my childhood that my loneliness is so deeply seated within me, or my own doing. I crave love and sometimes attention. I have gotten into relationships that didn't work out for obvious reasons. I would move places if there aren't enough people ” noticing me”. I would seek love from wrong people ( and I knew they were wrong for me to begin with) but I still gave it a shot thinking that some aspect of them might ” see” me and love me. My mother has her set of problems, dealing with my brother who is fairly young and struggling in all sorts of imaginable ways. She is also dealing with my dad who is a disillusioned ( but a good ) man. She has a lot on her plate. I want to help my brother navigate his school life, I want to be there for my mother. But I can barely help myself. I don't understand why I feel so alone all the time. No amount of moving cities, countries helps. Wherever I go … there I am. I am a spiritual person. I sometimes reflect on the fact that even though nobody sees me I know God does and there… I often cry looking up at the sky sitting alone. I crave meaningful connections and love and my friendships have been crappy in the past. I never had a say in my friend circle, was always that ” I will do whatever everyone else wants to do” I was bullied for the same reason. I was never assertive. Never had the courage to walk out of toxic circles because of fear of being alone. I never had guidance, or a sense of direction. There was nobody there to guide me and when I grew up, I resented my parents forcing me and trying to mould me into ways they thought were best …so I had my own form of teenage rebellion. I am familiar with attachment theories but always thought of them as pseudo science. I know our childhood is very important but I never realized and still am uncertain if it can impact someone at their core. Initially I thought, it was just my bad habits such as. But now I see it. All of that came from a need for love, attention and comfort. I know my family loves me specially my mom. But even her affirmation of love that I get from her now … is not enough. Isn't this what I always craved ? She tries to be there for me on some occasions, on others she is dealing with her own familial and health problems, on others she has temper issues. I know i am asking for too much, its not fair to her. But why is her love and attention not enough ? Why do I feel so deeply alone, why do I seek attention elsewhere ? I am always fearful, scared and negative.
I have developed some serious avoidance. I run away from everything, I can stay still in one place. There is a lot of chaos inside me and I keep searching for that stillness. Only time, I don't feel tightness in my chest is when I sit besides a still lake. I don't understand what I am searching for and why, why can't I stay put in one place. I can barely stay home no matter where I am. I always have to be somewhere else. Romantically as well, I feel like nobody will ever see me and appreciate me in my brokenness ( this is reflective of my dating history). I lack gratitude in my life. Its a muscle I have not exercised. I am constantly surrounded by problems but let me assure you, these are somewhat good problems. I just don't know what to do with my self, how to fix this deep loneliness. I don't feel fulfilled. I am scared and it translates into my choices ( be it career wise or romantically). I don't trust myself that I can ” make it” in life and rise above my present circumstances, emotional and mental state. I guess I never had anyone who believed in me growing up and now when my mother or friends try to say… ” you can do it, you are bright ect” it doesn't click in with me.
I have talked to some people about it. I have sought therapy but the more I talk to people, the more mixed messages I get. I guess everyone only knows their way of figuring out life and most people I know don't understand what this existential loneliness can be and the remnants that stay with you .. seemingly forever. I am giving this a shot here, maybe some of you can relate to me.
August 11, 2018 at 12:44 am #221111
- This topic was modified 5 days, 8 hours ago by Zita.
An existential angst, a loneliness, a lack of fulfillment, a fear, a lack of trust.
I believe I can identify with many of these things that you have described. The childhood that you have had is undoubtedly the basis of all these things that you feel. With all these feelings, there is this urge to somehow get away from all these to that state of stillness.
My search for that stillness is still ongoing. During this process what I have learned is this concept of being aware of what is happening and being honest with that. As the level of awareness increases I was able to identify patterns that have their origins in the past by witnessing how they play out on an ongoing basis. This tends to throw up so many beliefs that I seem to hold which intellectually I know are not true yet they are there repeating themselves again and again.
The way out seems to be a hope that I hold on to. As a creation of God I am essentially complete. All these external circumstances have somehow led on to my isolation from this sense of completeness, this stillness. With patience, perseverance and acceptance, I believe I can reach there. In the meantime I have decided to enjoy the journey and learn from whatever it has to offer with a sense of faith and acceptance.
Hope this helps you in some way
Take careAugust 11, 2018 at 7:19 am #221161
I read some of your posts 2014-2016 including this one. Reality is quite simple, really: the most powerful neuropathways in our brain are formed during childhood. These many thousands of pathways within webs of pathways, get activated as adults and therefore, we keep experiencing the same experience we had as children. We forget how we experienced life as children, forget how it felt, having dissociated and numbed ourselves through years of it, finding refuge in daydreaming and make believe, so memory is not very reliable to indicate how we felt then. On the other hand, how we feel now is the most accurate evidence to how we felt then.
These are your words in a previous thread and in this one, evidence of how it felt then and how it still feels: “My days goes by, just staring out the window, sometimes the despair takes over me so much that I question my own existence… devoid of everything.. broken to pieces… Sometimes I want to hurt myself just so I can show that person how much pain… Does my pain not matter?… Do I even matter, Should I even exist… there is no meaning what is the point of staying alive… I am exhausted and have no motivation to survive… feeling hurt and broken… resentment and pain day in and day out… I suffer from a form of loneliness that no amount of social gatherings, friend circles can fulfill… No amount of moving cities, countries helps. Wherever I go… there I am…my loneliness is so deeply seated within me… I crave love and sometimes attention…I would seek love from wrong people but I still gave it a shot thinking that some aspect of them might ‘see me' and love me… nobody sees me… I often cry looking up at the sky sitting alone. I crave meaningful connections and love… ‘I will do whatever everyone else wants to do'… there was nobody there…feel tightness in my chest… I feel like nobody will ever see me… I am scared…I never had anyone”.
You asked if someone can relate to you: I can. I experienced every thing in what I quoted above. I experienced it in childhood and over three decades of adult life.
I started my healing process more than seven years ago with my first quality psychotherapy (2011-2013). I am no longer the “lost adult” that I was. I am no longer alone, no longer in that pain, that despair. One trap that kept me in the loneliness and despair, was that I still reached to my mother to see me and love me. I didn't understand all those years, that she didn't love me.
You wrote: “I know my family loves me specially my mom”- where is the evidence of her love? If you were loved, how is it that you feel so unloved?
I had to understand where love is not, so to realize that love is possible for me elsewhere.
I mentioned that children find refuge in daydreaming and make believe. One of the things the child has to believe is that her mother loves her, even though she doesn't. Even if she is not there at all. We pay the price of this false belief, as adults, by being stuck where we always were.
My healing process is about seeing reality the way it was and the way it is. Healing starts in seeing reality as it is. Without that seeing, healing cannot begin.
August 11, 2018 at 7:54 am #221149
- This reply was modified 5 days ago by anita.
I don't know why the emptiness is so heavy but I carry that weight too. I've spent hours on the internet searching for answers and never contacted anyone – you are the first. My struggling heart goes out to you and wishes you peace and connection.
I feel you've started the journey and though it can feel really daunting, each step we take will make us grow. I have to remind myself daily that it is a voyage of self discovery and with each new awareness, new possibilities unfold. This is a special time for us and gratitude has makes a huge difference for me. It takes me out of myself and puts me back in the world. Those brief moments give me a sense of calm and connectedness with all.
Here's a huge hug to you. We aren't alone. ?August 12, 2018 at 2:56 pm #221251
“There is a lot of chaos inside me and I keep searching for that stillness”
If you have ever read anything about chaos theory you might see that there is order in chaos. If you can learn to breathe through this paradox you may find that within chaos there is also stillness.
Stillness is a paradox. Even when we are still we are moving at amazing speeds through the universes. From which point then can we measure that we are still? The word Seeking is a verb, life is karma (action) cause and affect / movement. As long as someone is seeking stillness as separate from movement it will never be found.
It is when your mind can be calm within movement, the center of the hub of the spinning wheel, that you will discover what you seek and what you seek you already possess.
Here is a riddle for you
“At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.” – TS Elliot