Seems like I can't get out of this struggle :/

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This topic has 28 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 6 months ago by rodrigo.

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May 23, 2015 at 8:15 am #77133

rodrigo
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Hello everyone, I’m writing to you cause I don’t know how to mend my broken hearth, and my minset, and my whole inner peace. To get to the point, I was in a relationship that was about a jear and a half long. It was all so magical, no fights between us, like all the same things, and everything was perfect. This was the first woman whom I litteraly gave all of me and she did the same to me. It was the happiest time of my life, and I’ve lived trough lots of beautifull things. She told me we would be together forever and I believed her and made my peace with it.

Then, I had to move away ana we were managing the long distance relationship, but then one day, she said she can’t be with someone anymore who she knows she has but then again doesn’t have (to be next to her, kiss her, hugh her, ect.) We haven’t seen each other in a while and she said she still loves me and that I’m the best thing that happened to her but then againg that this isn’t going to work out anymore. It really broke me into 1000000 tiny peaces and to be honest, I was suicidal.

I loved her so much and I think deep down I still do. We don’t speak to each other anymore and I don’t know anything about her life anymore. 2 months have passed till the break up and I still feel so empyt. I’m in this town all alone, my friends and family are in a different town, have nobody to turn to and don’t know what to do.

I’ve started to work on myself, am trying to keep busy as much as I can but it’s still killing me slowly. My mind keeps remembering me of her, all the beautifull moments we had and putting the fear in me that she’s with someone else now. Since then I’ve lost the will to date anybody else, to do stuff, be passionate, and all positive stuff. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of her but I can’t help it.

The thing is I don’t know how to release it all really and to be honest, I have nothing to look forward anymore. When I moved here, she was the only thing that made me go forward in my life and was the only thing that I looked forward seeing. Now I feel like I have nothing, feel like I wanna die, have no passions, no ambitions, and nothing to look forward to. I really wanna changed it, and as I said, I’m working on myself every single day, but like it’s pointless. I’ve read tons of stuff online on how to deal with this and nothing really helps long term. So that’s why I’m asking you guys, cause I’ve found lots of topics here where you helped other people, but never a situation where 2 people loved each other but had to break up cause of the distance. That’s alos one of the things that’s killing me. I really loved everything about that person, and then it all just wanished and I can’t deal with it, accept it and make peace with it, and in the end forget it, move on, and be happy.

Ty for reading if nothing else.

May 23, 2015 at 9:06 am #77134

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rodrigo:
You lost a wonderful experience, the experience of loving and being loved. What can be more beautiful than this experience? You feel so sad because you lost something so valuable. It is natural to feel sad for a loss of something so meaninfgul.

anita

May 23, 2015 at 9:16 am #77135

rodrigo
Participant

Dear Anita

I’m aware of that but I don’t know how to get over it, and I’m asking for advice cause I don’t want to live like this anymore. I feel like a zombie. Just living from day to day, feeling empty and sad, and it seems like I can’t do anything to change that :/

May 23, 2015 at 9:20 am #77136

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rodrigo:
My advice is that you ACCEPT your loss and the feeling of deep sadness following this loss. It is only when you accept the loss and your sadness and not try to change the sadness that you will be able to move on, that your feeling state will improve. Let yourself feel and be as you feel and be as you are. Don’t resist. Did you read about MINDFULNESS SKILLS: observing your thougths and feelings with some detachment and acceptance, without judgment? It is a SKILL that needs to be learned and practice and will help in the acceptance i am refrerring to.
anita

May 23, 2015 at 9:35 am #77137

rodrigo
Participant

Dear Anita

yes I’ve learned about mindfulness but not alot. I’m afraid not to do some wrong moves, where I would just supress and mask my pain and feelings and then later in life figure that out and have them all comeing back even stronger. I really don’t know how to deal with it, what mindset to adopt and what to do. At least what I would like is to have some peace in my mind.

It seems like I still can’t accept that whole thing beeing over just cause of the distance. Because when I love someone, it doesn’t matter how far you are, if I love you I live for the moment when we’ll be together again. It pains me alot just writing about it, and I really wanna thank you for taking the time to help me.

I’m 24 years old and I already feel like there’s no point in living. I know I can be successfull and everything, but those facts don’t make me feel better or happy or something. Everybody is telling me that it’ll be better with time, and there are days where I feel fine, don’t think about it much and it’s ok. But then there’re days where I feel like I lost a part of me and that I lost my soulmate.

I’m willing to try and do anything to change this, cause I’m the type of person who can help others and make them laugh and everything, but I just can’t help myself. You know the feeling when for example, a person would need another hearth to live on, and you would give it for them without thinking even if they aren’t in your life anymore? well that’s how I feel, and hve felt that way since the beginning of the relationship.

Would give anything to change that, but don’t know how anymore.

p.s. thank you again for taking your time for me, it really means alot

May 23, 2015 at 3:46 pm #77141

Paul
Participant

i never understood it when people said “we love each other but we cant be together”, like, how is that possible..cant people “choose” to be with each other regardless of how other people feel or circumstances…and then…”it happened to me”…i cant be with the one i love, and it tore / is tearing me apart..suicidal some times, and blackness…but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

i did mindfulness, meditation, compartmentalazation, reclamation and various other techniques to support my journey back to wholeness….only to find, its not her that i miss…its whats “lacking in me” that is the core issue..and until i resolve that i will ALWAYS fall into darkness…

just my opinion…and my heart goes out to you as a fellow sufferer… but you can decide to suffer or not suffer, its up to you, and one thing i found was… suffering doesnt change the situation at all..think about it

May 23, 2015 at 3:52 pm #77142

rodrigo
Participant

yeah my friend, I’m aware of those things and will always accept new things and teachings in my life. so if you have any material that I can learn from, pls, share it with me. As I said, I’m ready to do anything.

But then again I feel like going to my old self, not careing, not feeling, not giving myself to one person, and to return to dating more women at a time. Cause, why give you hearth to someone again, to let them break it again? 1. time it’s a mistake, every other time it’s a choice.

May 23, 2015 at 3:56 pm #77143

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rodrigo:
About mindfulness: it is a skill. Something you learn and then practice. It will help you be okay with uncomfortable feelings instead of suppressing and masking your feelings, what you wrote that you do. Maybe some day soon you will learn it. Maybe somebody can help you learn it (a therapist with experience in mindfulness?)

You wrote that a part of you is lost, this is how you feel some days. When i think about what that part is I think it has to be that love-and-be-loved part, the part that needs to CONNECT to another, to be together with another. This is a strong part in people, ingrained in our genes, in our biology. You had it and now it is gone. Ah, the misery. Such misery that you wonder what is the point of living. I agree- there is no point in living without connecting with others, without the together, without… to love and be loved in return. That is the bad news for you, for now- at least in those days that you feel the lack of love.

The good news… the good news is that she does not own love. You can love another woman. Maybe not now. Maybe not very, very soon. But you can love another woman. It is very likely to happen. People before you had their hearts broken and they loved AGAIN. And they were happy again. Sometimes even happier. Can you imagine you being happier with a future woman than you were with her?

I am not making this up just to make you feel better. I am stating a fact that applied to millions and applies to millions as I am typing this. It is reality. Can you argue with reality? And why would you think that YOU are an exception to this widespead reality?

So when you feel horrible, is it helpful to know that you are likely to love again? That there will be another woman for you, most likely?

You wrote: “and you would give it (your heart) for them without thinking even if they aren’t in your life anymore? well that’s how I feel, and hve felt that way since the beginning of the relationship.” Do you mean that you were willing to give your heart to her even if she would not be in your life? I don’t think i understand. Maybe you can explain this to me?

Connect- connect here with me on this limited mode of communication. Keep connecting. Keep connecting-

Take care:
anita

May 23, 2015 at 4:20 pm #77144

rodrigo
Participant

Dear Anita

Thank you very much for the kind words. To tell you about the part you didn’t understand. Like, if I heard now that she’d need a new hearth, I would get down there, and volunteerly give my hearth to her. And I wouldn’t even tell her cause I know she wouldn’t let me do it, but I’d still do it. And from that point on, you can imagine how I feel.

I’ve never been a one woman guy, never let anyone close to my feelings and into my life to deep. Then I decided to trust somebody, and it was all perfect, untill I moved away. She changed her mind with time to stay, even tough she was telling me how she wants to leave the place she is, and no matter where as long as we’re together, and that we’ll be together forever.

Right now I feel pain, but am also confused, have no goals like I had before the relationship, have no lust for life, am angry, and have many more different feelings. It’s a real mess in my head and I don’t know what to think, how to behave, what to do, what to look forward and so on. That’s why I told you I feel lost.

In one hand, I want to love and be loved again, in the other hand I never want to be close with someone and just have meaningless sex. And at the same point I want somebody, and don’t have the urge to be with somebody.

I know it all sonunds confusing, but try to imagine the chaos in my head then.

If you have some materials where I can learn more about mindfulness and dealing with those situations, I’d really appreciate it. I wanna become a strong independent male who doesn’t need anybody in his life, but also isn’t alone (if you know what I mean)

May 23, 2015 at 5:56 pm #77145

Paul
Participant

the pain of the heart needs to be felt, and understood, but torturing yourself is not productive, in the end you will find a way through this, but when we leave things unresolved..un said..it provides fertile ground for the memories to linger…regards

May 24, 2015 at 6:47 am #77168

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rodrigo:
Good morning to you. Thank you for answering my question. You wrote in your last post addressed to me that you feel confused. You want to be independent on one hand and you want to connect on the other; you want to give your heart to another on one hand and you want to protect it and keep it to yourself on the other hand. Instead of it being one OR the other, hopefully, over time, it will be BOTH. Hopefully, over time, there will be a balance that will work for you and your mind will be clear.

Regarding mindfulness- you can google it, wikipedia has info on it. Psych central website does (although I can’t get through into psych central- but it has good articles by psychotherpists there!!!) Mindfulness is a BIG thing in current psychotherapy. There are books on it- you can google for books, read excerpts, maybe a book store- see what FITS your learning style, what kind of writing reaches you. One element of mindfulness, just one part of it is called “radical acceptance” by some. It means ACCEPTING your thoughts and feelings and internal experiences otherwise AS THEY ARE wihout rushing to like or dislike them. This is tough- a nonjudgmental attitude toward your feelings. This way you get rid of the extra suffering on top of your original feelings. Normally people ESCALATE their distress with thinking that bring more negative feelings. It is the not thinking unproductively ON TOP of the pain you already have.

It is about meditating- focusing on senses, here and now instead of ruminating about past and future … there is plenty of material- google and find what speaks to you! If you do, let me know how it is working for you. I hope it does.

Take care:
anita

May 24, 2015 at 6:50 am #77169

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rodrigo:
One more thing about radical acceptance is not trying to change what you feel, not trying to run away from pain- it is RESISTING that increases pain.

anita

May 24, 2015 at 7:07 am #77170

rodrigo
Participant

Dear Anita

I can’t believe what a coincidence this is but I just finished my 10-15 minute meditation where I concentrated on my breathing. I also put on my headphones and listened to a brainwave mp3 from an app I downloaded cause I have a noisy enviroment. All in all it was really hard to focus, and I noticed like the last time I try to meditate that my mind is really caotic and not peacefull at all.

But this time when I concentrated on my breathing, it was much easier for me and I felt such peace within me that I haven’t felt for a long time (like for 2 months since the break up). I’ve been struggling with my toughts and this peace gave me a break from all that stress and I gotta tell you I really do feel better.

It wasn’t clear to me what I should do and how to continue with my life, but now I think I found something I would like to pursue, and it’s my development as a man, in both physical and mental ways. I realized that I don’t want to feel this way and that I’m the one who causes this pain I feel. Cause that person I miss is gone, and the only thing I miss is the memory.

I can’t tell you I’m over her a 100% but I feel better and it made me want to meditate forever. While I’m aware that’s not possible, it’s possible for me to do it on a daily basis. Also I decided I want to be financially independent, and so I decided to lear as much as possible about stocks and the stock market and make something from the money I have roght now. It has been done before by others, it can be done again by me.

I worked before on myself, but I haven’t felt it like just now. The one thing that worries me is the fading of the enthusiasm I just got, but I still won’t give up. Just cause one person decided not to share their life path with me, doesn’t mean I should feel bad and stop developing myself. It still hurts but I’m counting on the fact that everybody keeps telling me., that time will heal all wounds and that I’ll get over it.

Thank you again very much for all your help. If you got any more tips and advice for me, I’m open for everything. 🙂

May 24, 2015 at 7:22 am #77171

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rodrigo:
I like your openness. You mentioned it in several of your posts. I like it very much because it means to me that you are likely to succeed in your personal development goal. You feel better now (still, I hope) and like you wrote- it will not stay this way forever or for very long. Feelings change like the weather and part of mindfulness is accepting that feelings change so it doesn’t come as an unpleasant SURPRISE every time a good feeling goes away. I am learning to be good to myself, to not abandon myself when i feel tired or sad or scared- to still be there for myself. Just like you wouldn’t as a parent leave a child when he/ she is sad and only be there for the child when he/ she is happy. Be there for yourself when you feel down- not by overthinking- but by doing what you did today, meditate, calm your mind. The worse time to try to figure things out intellectually is when you are feeling badly, when you are distressed. So RETURN to a state of CALM first. Don’t overthink when you are down or feeling distressed.

Do what works. You will not always feel so good during or after meditation- but don’t give up- focusing on your breath meditation works for millions. It works.

Take care, ridrigo. I think you have it in you to make your life better. Be patient with yourself.
anita

May 25, 2015 at 5:40 am #77205

rodrigo
Participant

Update:

I went to work yesterday and to be honest I couldn’t keep the toughts of her out of my head, altough I keept thinking about the job and about the stock market and how I’m going to pursue it.

Then when I came home and went to bed, I decided to try something new. I put a hypnosis mp3 on youtube. It was about healing a broken hearth, and even tough I fel asleep, I woke up this morning and it didn’t bother me that much. Like, I still feel a bit bad about it all, but it feels like it’s somewhere back. Like the pain moved backwards, and I don’t feel it in my chest anymore, and it’s much easier for me. Altough I still love that girl and miss her, I feel a bit better.

As I mentioned in another post, I’ll keep concentrating on myself and working on my life, single. I really don’t have the urge to pursue other girls, and it wouldn’t be fair to them.

Just don’t know how to deal with the toughts that pop randomly into my head of her beeing with another guy. I know I don’t know the real story, and don’t know if she’s with someone else or not, but my mind keeps putting those images into my head and I really want it to stop cause it sucks.

Ty again all for reading and understanding. <3
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