Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→self-acceptance : " in spite of" or "because of?"
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Bethany Rosselit.
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June 1, 2015 at 6:28 pm #77600
JoelParticipantI have a short question about self-acceptance. Do I strive to love my self in spite of my shortcomings (emotions I don’t like, regret ove Rd the past, insecurities, etc. ), or do I strive to love myself because of my shortcomings? I suppose the former would involve focusing on my positive aspects over my negative, whereas the latter would see the “silver lining ” of my negative aspects?
I’m reading the book “Lincoln ‘ s Melancholy, ” about Abraham Lincoln ‘ s struggle with suicidal depression, and it seems to suggest that Lincoln was able to use his depression to cultivate his greatness. I have also read writers, such as Pema Chodron, who suggest that suffering is essential to transcendence. This would seem to be in line with loving oneself because of one’s shortcomings, since those shortcomings are, through some bizarre and not at all obvious ways, deepen us to the fulness of life.
Any ideas?
June 2, 2015 at 8:13 am #77611
AnonymousGuestDear Joel:
You refer to “Emotions I don’t like, regret…” as shortcomings, as negative aspects of yourself. But emotions themselves are neither negative nor positive. They are MESSANGERS. Each emotion has a message it wants to deliver. That is all. Those “negative” emotions (as distressing as they may be) have messages that if you attend to them you will find out that underneath an uncomfortable emotion or an emotion you are not …. proud of, there is a message such as that you want to love-and-be-loved.Is that helpful?
anitaJune 2, 2015 at 1:57 pm #77619JoelParticipantWell, I agree with you that emotions are messeengers. I think what I am really asking is about how to love myself. I don’t mean that in the sense that I deprecate myself or believe I am unworthy or anything (though I do have my moments), rather the concept of loving myself seems very abstract and nor at all obvious. I have no trouble loving others, because I see them,enjoy them, empathize with them. In order to love myself, I feel like I must view myself as a separate entity. In which case there are two of me; the real me that does the loving, that silently observes, and the my mind-body that is being observed and being loved by the observer.
My question, therefore, us for anybody out there with a sublime sense of self-love: what is the experience of loving yourself like? Was there an intentional means by which you came by this relationship of love with yourself, or did it happen by accident? Did you just suddenly “know” that you loved yourself and never looked back?
June 2, 2015 at 7:54 pm #77639AnonymousGuestDear Joel:
I read your last post above with great interest. I had a realization on the matter only a few days ago. I visited a couple. The woman (25) told me about a traumatic experience she had and the neurologial damage it caused her. I felt great empathy for her. Then later, her husband, 30, prepared a meal for me and was so proud of it. Even though what he prepared was SUPER fattenting, he was like a child that wanted to please me with his cooking. I felt great empathy for him and wanted him to know how much I enjoyed his meal, made sure he knew.After I felt empathy for the woman, I realized I was able to feel empathy for her because I myself experienced childhood trauma and I paid the price for it with neurological disorders myself. THEN I SHIFTED THE OBJECT OF MY EMPATHY FROM HER TO ME. I saw myself in my mind’s eye- an image from when i was a young child and felt a moment of empathy for myself.
The day after the visit I realized that the reason I felt empathy for the man is that I too as a child, tried so hard to please, so I shifted the object of my empathy from him- to me.
When you feel empathy for others, take a moment and think: WHY are you feeling the empahty for the person: what in your experience was or is similar (a precondition for empahtizing with another) – once you realize what it is, shift your empathy from that person to your image of yourself (be it an image of you now or as a child).
This is the best and most recent answer I can come up with. Intellectually, there is no way to do it. The way to do it emotionally is take advantage of the opportunity when you already are emotional, that is feeling empathy for another, and when that happens- SHIFT.
anita
June 3, 2015 at 6:55 am #77652AnonymousGuestOne more thing, Joel, you wrote: “In order to love myself, I feel like I must view myself as a separate entity. In which case there are two of me; the real me that does the loving, that silently observes, and the my mind-body that is being observed and being loved by the observer.” I too feel and have felt like there are two of me, the child part of me (the inner child concept) and the other me that I am used to. I saw the child part of me as a stranger to me and talked about her in the third person (she, her). Over years of therapy of healing I came to realize that the reason for it is that I disassociated from myself, from my child part, the part feeling the hurt and fear; I dissociated from my EMOTIONAL MIND and focused on my RATIONAL MIND, my intellect, another way to put it. I rejected my child part/ my emotions and “lived in my head.” To RE-ASSOCIATE is to FEEL the vulnerable feelings I once rejected, to “make friends” with them. In reality everything in between our ears is a bunch of neurons, blood. fleshe… diffferent parts of our brain with many connections. Healing in physical terms is weakening OLD connections and making new connections between the different parts of our brain. I hope this helps.
Shifting the object of empathy is still the way that is working for me.
anitaJune 3, 2015 at 10:26 am #77673
Olga Kivaeva VennikParticipantFirst of all I think: You just love yourself. Period.
What you describe as “shortcomings” is just your minds interpretation of yourself, it doesn’t have to be true at all. Loving yourself involves understanding who you are and how you function without judging yourself or seeing it as your flaws.
There is no such thing as good or bad personal traits. They just are. The challenge is to be able to direct yourself in the positive direction that will benefit you.
F.ex.: Someone who has a strong temper might use that trait positively, and transform the anger into persistence, passion, strenghth of will etc.
So in my opinion it’s all about finding out who you truly are and become in control of your thoughts, feelings and your own reality. 🙂June 4, 2015 at 9:33 am #77739JoelParticipantThank you so much for your post! Your method of shifting empathy sounds a lot like the practice of “loving kindness” meditation. I will take your recommendation to heart and begin a practice of it.
You are right about interpretations of things, and I agree that much of the things we think are “bad” about ourselves are actually what deepen us as people. In anita’s case, her struggles in her childhood have furnished her with a strong empathy, perhaps the most important character trait of all.
I’ve come to understand that often what I think I want isn’t what I need for what really matters. As for “Q: How do I love myself? A: You just do,” this is probably the best answer there is. I am a very analytical person, which is a great strength of mine, but as a downside I tend to demand precise answers, methods,etc., proof over ambiguity, certainty over uncertainty, and so on. Much of life cannot be defined in absolutes like this. Particularly, I tend to treat my mind-body the way I would treat a puzzle or external circumstance: I see painful emotions and so-called shortcomings as problems to be solved, instead of trusting in my path. I know for certain that the way I see myself in the world and the way I really am are two drastically different things; it’s a wonder I can even function!
And so: yes, the practice of loving kindness.
Peace and love.June 4, 2015 at 11:02 am #77741AnonymousGuestDear Joel:
Reading your post above reminded me that at one point in my healing jouney of the past four years, I figured I had to take a step in faith, to go beyond what I knew, that there was no other way for me to progress unless I departed somewhat from what I intellectually knew and took a jump of sorts into the unknown- and that it took courage.
anitaJune 4, 2015 at 3:09 pm #77748Olga Kivaeva VennikParticipantYour intelligence is highly developed and that’s great. I am too a very analytical person, but I’ve learned to tune into my body and my heart (feelings, emotions, intuition) and that brought a great balance into my life. F.ex. instead of thinking with my mind what kind of food my body needs right now and judging it I just try to listen to my body, ask it questions and then receive answers about what it needs. I think you wrote a really important word in this case: TRUST. With time and practice you’ll be able to trust your body and heart more and more, and that will let your mind rest a little. 🙂
June 6, 2015 at 4:03 am #77778JoelParticipantThanks for your responses! I’ll take them to heart.
June 10, 2015 at 10:28 am #77998
Bethany RosselitParticipantInteresting question, Joel. And here’s my 2 cents. 😉
My answer is, neither. Instead, we need to strive to understand and redefine what we call “shortcomings.” Look at things you’ve done in the past, or things you regard as flaws. And really work do understand WHY you did what you did at the time, or WHY you act the way that you do in the present. The reason that we do things we’re not proud of, is fear and misunderstanding. I would even venture to say that we will never do something “bad,” if we are able to truly see reality, with no misunderstandings.
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