There is kind of a very simple way to deal with the fears and defensiveness: just take a moment longer to reflect on the situation.

Let’s say that you meet a person who triggers some fear in you. You can immediately go on the defense and say or do something which makes you feel like you are in control of the situation. In reality though, you’re allowing your fears to take control. The fear will arise, you can’t control that, but you can control how you react to that fear. Another person also doesn’t have control over you, even if you allow them to act according to who they are. Saying hello to someone doesn’t mean anything else than saying hello. Just like listening to another person doesn’t mean that their thoughts have now invaded your body and will take over. Relax, take a deep breath and just pay attention to what is happening. Pay attention to your own boundaries. If someone starts to walk all over your boundaries, you can end it in a peaceful manner. If someone tries to control you, you can simply say “no”. There is no need to lash back at them. But you do need to be aware of your boundaries and have some control over yourself. That is enough. The whole world can erupt into chaos and you can be fine if you maintain peace within your own boundaries. Other people can’t force you to let go of your peace and boundaries. You have the power over that.

I agree with the ruminant, defensiveness is tied into our primal brain. Our immediate reaction is to preserve ourselves. Since we are humans with more capacity to understand who we are. Our defenses not only trigger to preserve our physical self, but our sense of self as well. So if someone is attempting to attack you on an emotional level. The same instinct that says run from a lion, triggers and takes control of your reaction to this emotional attack as well.

The primal brain is much more powerful than the logical. In some situations when the threat is a continued or irrational one. The primal brain will hijack your logical brain to reconcile the disparity to convince you yes in deed it is a legit threat, yes we need to be worried. However if you consider yourself a fairly emotionally balanced person. Time to allow the initial threat to dissolve, your primal brain will go dormant ceding control back to your logical self who will react in a more appropriate, level headed manner.

I try my best to understand this about myself. I try my best not to react off the cuff. However allow the jury of 12 in my head time to consider the totality of the circumstances, and seek alternate perspectives, to ensure my reaction is on point and solely to the content not the emotion it caused before acting. The worst decisions we make are in the moment, because we are not allowing this process to occur and we are allowing our animal instincts which are maladapted to handle emotional threats to control us.