Dear Anita,

I know that Super Cali Chica is a role that was given to me – I did not choose it.

I als oknow that being very functional is detrimental to my healing.

Sometimes you need to just fall apart and not “show up” – and not show up and put on your face.

It is not about being fake – its about showing up and functioning.

Functioning is seen as a sign of doing “okay” – being fine.

It’s not enough to be fine.  Fine is not the goal.

Functioning, to me, has been detrimental to healing…

This is what I wrote for my sister (we were discussing the topic yesterday) this morning, I will paste it to you without editing, because I want you to know what came out naturally without analysis:

we always had to perform for mom – like my story you already know being like her savior, I was her chosen “savior”
but lets say you, sister
you weren’t allowed to feel sick for a whole day in africa and just let yourself be and with your thoughts
you would have a parrot poking you – cmon cmon cmon
lets go whats wrong – we came all the way to africa how can you sit around – do you know how much i did to get us here
so you splash water on your face and go
its “putting on your face and showing up” ill call it
performing
performing is detrimental to healing.
performing is pushing through. healing is sitting with.

healing is sitting with.

Dear Anita,

You are right.  I was not a capable savior worthy of respect.  I took on this role in an effort to “try to make mom happy because oh look how bad she had it.” “look mom look all that I am doing – are you happy now? are you happy now?”

the answer was no – no – no.  do more do more do more.  dance monkey dance.

I want to add:

it is detrimental because I had to go and go and function.  Its one thing to wake up and feel sad, and then splash water on your face and be awesome fun Super CC that is good at her job and engaging etc.

Its not fake, its not for show, it doesnt feel like a “performance” but I see how over time – I never sat with anything!

I just got so good at being good at life, I perhaps even did not realize how much pain was under there.  You have not met me in real life, and so of course it is difficult for you to “see” the whole picture of who I am.  But I know you know me to a great extent from our talks.

Did I ever wake up and feel sad, and then spend the day feeling sad. sit with it

No, of course no – had to get up and go study, pass medical school exams, go to my 6 am shift in the ER, go to 6 weddings one summer – the list gose on.

splash water on your face and go – was not even feeling like unnatural – it was what I did I had to

so years later – i pretty much don’t know how to feel sad.  I welcome feeling sad and oh my – crying! what a treat.  never feel enough to cry.

There are many layers of numbness.  There is true disassociation – as you say our bodies protect us because the reality of how bad things are and how much pain it would cause is unbearable, so the body protects.

and then there is also the performance, the doing, the always doing.  not to prove something – not to be super – but to function.  and this functioning is detrimental…it is detrimental to healing.

healing is feeling with your heart and sitting with it.

this functioning is going and going – and the brain pushing through, no longer feeling with the heart.

Dear Anita,

Wow what a SPOT ON description!!

Please explain this part more, especially the “fake this way”

 yes, I did imagine you being fake this way. I thought to myself as I imagined a meeting at a NYC restaurant, that it will be a shame to waste that time fake like that, that I wouldn’t want that. Quiet and real, everyone calm and real, that would be what I want

Dear Anita,

I know exactly what you mean.  Socially gracious.

But I will tell you (and this is the reason I have been able to be a great friend – but also why I end up over extending to people) is that I NEVER shy away from talking about real stuff at a NYC lunch “so to speak.”

It is a running joke with my friends that “we will be at drinks and she will say oh how are you feeling about the last comment your husband made” as in – i will always bring my friends (and myself) to talk about the real pertinent stuff in life…no niceties – i hate fake superficial small talk.

I’m not saying this to “appease” you and tell you Oh no i’m not like this.  I’m being honest.

The pushing through aspect isn’t really being fake, its the fact that in the life I have I have never been able to break down and mope around all day, because there is always so incredibly much going on.  Between work and social.  And that is why this summer i have done an excellent job at : saying no.  Sorry cant make it- — its a start…thats for sure…

I hope my response was not inflammatory at all! Or too defensive.  I wanted to show you that the highlight of what I have been “good” at is being real.  But the downside isn’t the “fakeness” its the always being on and doing “well”

I will now respond to your post:

 I was blunt, I said things people don’t say, didn’t follow a socially correct or gracious guidebook, but all through that time I was not authentic either. I was not the fake-nice but I was not authentic either because I wasn’t able to be calm, to sit with my feelings, just like you expressed.

My sister has struggled with being blunt and saying people don’t say.  She has gotten better about it.  I was always more socially graceful and “apt” in that I have always been told I am engaging and charming, that I draw people to me and make them feel good, and comfortable.  I have been told this by friends, colleagues, and patients alike.  I don’t say this to you as a way to brag – but more as a way to share what people have said about me.

I know exactly what you mean – not being fake, but not being authentic either.  Now that I think of this – I think of it as the bird, bobbing back and forth, frenzied.  Frenzied.  Talking engaging, being friend of the year, but not being authentic.

To tie this in to my first post of the day – as it has now looped around –

being blunt, being socially gracious, being WHATEVER – our inner state may still now show…

its this: I may be a good friend, I may be a fake friend, I may be a blunt friend – but I am being a friend…to someone else.

I am not sitting at home sitting in my feelings, taking an hour long shower adn crying it out, sitting in dirty clothes all day if I want – eat unhealthy food if I feel, eat nothing if I feel – do absolutely whatever I am feeling in that moment.

Sure if the above behavior continued forever – it would lead to dysfunction — the opposite of over functioning is dysfunction –and we dont want that either.  to be dysfunctional is not for healing either.

its that in between – honoring yourself feeling how you feel with your heart – not pushing through and functioning at the risk of letting your heart just hurt…

Dear Anita,

Yes that lady I work with does not like being around me – “perfectly functioning person”

without words, I Know she compares herself to it, and overcompensates by spewing out her insecurity – by trying to “power over” me.

Yes the machine needs rest. Phew.

Do you feel that you find your self healing the most, when you have time alone?