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May 6, 2018 at 8:34 am #205781
PearlParticipantSo here it goes. These past few days, I’m really off with my life. Thoughts just keep on popping in my mind. I am a suicidal person since highschool. I know it is a bad idea to keep cutting yourself when you’re depressed but it is my comfort zone. I just don’t know what to do these days. I’m just thinking of having a rest for the rest of my life.
May 6, 2018 at 9:51 am #205805
BeckParticipantHello Pearl,
Can I ask what kind of thoughts keep popping in your mind? I too was a cutter for many years and yes, it is a bad coping mechanism. It was the only way I knew to deal with the emotional pain I was going through and yes, it did help in the release of emotions, but then afterward, I always ended up feeling more shame and more embarrassed. It is not the answer. You have too get to the root of your depression and find ways to release emotions in a more positive way. Have you talked with a therapist/counselor?
May 6, 2018 at 9:52 am #205807
AnonymousGuestDear Pearl:
This is a clever sentence: “I’m just thinking of having a rest for the rest of my life”, a rest-for-the-rest of my life. It rings well to the ear, the alliteration part, rest-for-the-rest.
If you examine the sentence literally, of course, it doesn’t make sense, that is, if one ends one’s life, or when one’s life is ended, there is no rest of one’s life. There is no more person and no more life for that person.
The good news is that suffering doesn’t last for eternity and that is a relief for me. At this point, I am not rushing, the ending of my life will take place. Not rushing it.
Will you tell me more, about your suffering, what is it about, what hurts so much?
anita
May 6, 2018 at 7:13 pm #205871PearlParticipantHi,
I am always pressured by my family, it’s given. But these past few days, the pressure is getting higher and higher and I can’t handle it anymore. I always want to talk with my family but I’m afraid because every time I try, we always end up fighting at home. I was always top 1 or top 2 when I was a kid, but now in college, it seems like I can’t exceed their expectations. They always compare me to other people and such. Actually, when I say family, it is composed of my grandmother, aunts and uncles in my father side since I grew up with their care. My uncle is the one paying my tuition so he is expecting a lot from me. They even chose the course that I am taking and this course stresses me a lot. Last, last weekend, I really had a bad fight with my grandma because I went to my parents’ place and I end up sleeping there. My grandmother always gets angry whenever I stay at my parents’ for a long time because they always reason that my parents did not give me any money to begin with. But my parents reasoned out that they are still my parents. I am stuck in between and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk to a therapist or something since I’m too scared that my family will find out about that. Thanks to my friend who referred this site to me.
May 7, 2018 at 12:39 am #205905
nextstepsParticipantHi Pearl,
I I am sorry you have so much pressure put on you from your family.
I may Have misunderstood, and it may not be possible for you, but is there any chance you can either a) pay for your own tuition or get a loan so you can choose a course you actually like or b) carry on doing the course for your family whilst doing work experience e.g. volunteer work or work experience in your course holidays for something you actually like?
Also I grew up with the expectation that I had to be the best at everything and I was also compared to people I was a) very different from and b) never going to beat so it was like an unrealistic expectation which was stressful. It took me a long while to see, bbut life doesn’t have to be like that. The happiest people are the ones that are being true to themselves. Currently it doesn’t sound like your life leaves much room for that. Are there things you can do to try and be more true to your OWN goals and wishes? It may upset some members of your family but honestly honestly living under your parents shadow of what they want for you doesn’t help anyone. Perhaps if you can show them you will be financially okay AND happy if you do a job/course you like in the future rather than the one they have chosen they will be happy for you. They may be choosing your course to give you financial security but although that helps, if you aren’t happy it won’t mean as much (from experience).
In terms of therapy there are online sites you can use and pay online e.g. seven cups of Tea, talkspace and others I am sure. There is also a website called elder wisdom circle which may help you. Also an interview by Lisa Nicholls (as 55 mins of it!) Is really inspiring.
May 7, 2018 at 3:33 am #205913AnonymousGuestDear Pearl:
Your uncle pays your tuition so he felt it is right for him to choose what you study and to place this much pressure on you to get good grades, so to make his financial investment in you a good investment.
Your grandmother expresses anger at you for spending too much time (in her evaluation) with your parents because she says they don’t give you money.
It seems to me that both care more about money than about your feelings, your emotional well being. Your uncle does not understand that for the purpose of you getting good grades, for the purpose of his money being put into good use, less pressure, and maybe no pressure at all, will work better for him.
When a person feels a bit pressure, that can be helpful. Too much and a person can break. I wish your uncle understood that. Is there any way to explain that to him, any chance at all that he will understand that his financial investment will work better if he stops the pressure? Perhaps you can explain it to him in a way that is more likely to get his understanding and cooperation.
Clearly to me your most immediate need is way less pressure, as little as possible. If spending much time with your parents angers your grandmother who expresses her anger at you, for now, don’t spend much time with them. You can explain it to your parents so that they understand. I hope they understand.
anita
May 9, 2018 at 7:09 pm #206559PearlParticipantHi guys,
I’m sorry for a very late reply. Thank you for all your concerns and suggestions. All of that are very helpful.
Last night, my uncle sent me a message (since he is in Qatar) telling me that someone she knows graduated cumlaude this year. He is telling me that why can’t I be like that person. He’s expecting me to be a cumlaude. I tried to explain that I am doing my best but there are some professors in my university that give such low grades even though you excel in their class. But he’s thinking that I am not doing my best that’s why I am saying that maybe, just maybe, I can’t be a cumlaude when I graduate. I told him that I am still not sure if my general QPI will be acceptable to be a cumlaude. He says that my course is easy enough to get high grades. What’s so easy in accountancy right? It’s not just computations because if it is, then it will be easy. My uncle is also an accountancy graduate and that is, I think, the reason why he also wants me to be an accountant. He wants me to be entitled as CPA. Because if I will be a CPA, I will easily get a good job in a high standard company. But my point is, yes, he graduated from accountancy. But he is not entitled as CPA because he got sick during the board exam. He is not a CPA, but why does he have a good job right now? It’s my point that he can’t understand. Yes, I can get more opportunities when I have a CPA after my name but I can also find a job without that entitlement. I can be happy even if I am not a certified public accountant. But as always, we still end up talking about me, being a cumlaude, being an accountant in the future.
It’s not that I really don’t want to be a CPA, but can’t he give me a break? I am doing my best to achieve his expectations, why can’t he see that? As far as I remember, he doesn’t even say that he’s proud of me since I was young. When I was in elementary, I always join in the math competition, and for me, that’s enough experience counting numbers. Why do I have to balance others’ money for the rest of my life?
May 10, 2018 at 6:43 am #206609AnonymousGuestDear Pearl:
You wrote: “Why do I have to balance others’ money for the rest of my life?”- you mean, why do you have to work with numbers, be an accountant, for the rest of your life, correct?
Well, you don’t have to. Not for the rest of your life.
Reads to me that your uncle’s thinking is locked in, focused on the small part of the picture and he will not look around it. You point to other areas of the picture, of reality, but he won’t look there.
You are looking at the bigger picture of reality. Keep looking at the bigger picture and no longer try to make your uncle see it. And then, over time, make your life fit the bigger picture.
anita
May 10, 2018 at 1:17 pm #206731
PeterParticipant“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” ~Bruce Lee
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/breaking-free-from-your-familys-expectations/
When Family Members Push Our Buttons: How This Helps Us Grow
May 10, 2018 at 11:40 pm #206813PearlParticipantThank you so much guys, especially to Anita. This site really helped me a lot ❤
May 11, 2018 at 4:09 am #206855AnonymousGuestYou are welcome, Pearl. Anytime.
anita
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