Dear robert:

You wrote: “I have been accused of being a narcissist person- specifically- covert narcissism. She believes I also have traits of psychopathy”. The mother of your children, not a psychiatrist, has diagnosed you with Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well as Asocial Personality Disorder (the DSM-4 had those terms, I don’t think they were altered in the current DSM-5).

I am not a psychiatrist, but her behavior fits so well with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. I know the behavior from a very personal experience.

The reason I mention it is not so that you will counter her accusations with one of your own but so that you will present this disorder possibility to the attorney you will be  seeing and consider it as you  proceed.

Her behavior fits it very well. You can read about it n the DSM book (the psychiatrist “bible”), and in literature by competent psychiatrists and psychotherapists. There are ways better suited to deal with women with this disorder.

First on your agenda should be to protect your children and yourself from her violence, physical and verbal. (In a way, her current affair with the other man, if it distracts her from displaying violence against the children and you, it  is.. not the worst thing for you and for the children, in this specific circumstance that you are in).

Best by far that you remove your children and yourself from her. Perhaps the attorney can help you with this and maybe it is possible to require her to attend evaluation by a doctor and get a confirmation of her Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). This diagnosis may, maybe… help you in getting sole custody of your children and as soon as possible!

anita

Dear robert:

You are welcome. You wrote: “Regarding the kids, I believe my wife has been a good mother to them and brought them up well. I do not want to take sole custody and remove them from her… any abuse, physical or verbal, was directed only ever at me, never at anyone else”-

– this means that three years ago, when “her abuse became so frequent and violent” your two children, the younger one being six at the time, were not present in the home and did not hear or see the abuse. It means that when “the physical abuse and shouting started again”-  the two children did not hear any of the shouting. It means that her “spiral into depression” did not include her neglecting the children and that they never heard her when she “threatened suicide, threatened abandonment and self harm”.

“Following one evening of arguments and shouting, she smashed a glass bottle and threatened to cut herself”- again, your two children did not hear or see the shouting, the smashing of glass and her threats.

“so I called an ambulance”- the children didn’t hear the ambulance siren approaching, didn’t see their mother taken away.

“despite her being (and continuing to be) physically abusive.. spitting in the face, to  slapping, punching, to pushing e over”- none of that was heard or witnessed any of these things.

– it is impossible. She is not a good mother. Even if all the abuse against you occurred strictly when they were in school, the harm and hurt must  have been tangible to the kids when they were home. No  way they didn’t notice the effects of the abuse or their mother’s depression.. or yours, the tension in the home.

A woman who  practices such poor self control is unlikely to  practice excellent self control when the kids are home.

I understand that you are focused on finances, wanting her to work, that you are upset that she  is having an affair while not working, while you are supporting her and I understand that the idea of you as a divorced man, having sole custody is overwhelming.

It is convenient for a distressed and overwhelmed father to think that his abusive wife is a good mother.  But it cannot be true.  No  way she  is a good mother.

In your struggles, see the reality of the situation as it is. It is necessary to do so for the purpose of proceeding wisely, and doing what  is most effective.

What do you think?

anita

Hi Robert,

I picked up from your post to me that you are really hurt to see your wife ‘drinking and happy’ when you return home.  She is drinking for a reason (unless it’s just the occasional social drink) and this frequently denotes anger issues.  She sounds anything but happy.  I think you are assuming that this new man will not be subject to her abuse should he move in with her.  Patterns tend to repeat themselves and, unless she gets treatment and deals with her underlying issues, he could well become another “you”.

As far as expecting your wife to work, I think you are in a Catch 22 situation.  She won’t go out to work whilst you pay for everything (including her drink) and mentally you think you can survive like this for two years.  Work out a budget that just covers basic necessities (no drink) and see what is left for you to ‘bank’.  You will know better where you stand after you’ve seen your lawyer but it might be better to rent somewhere and just pay the minimum that the law says you have to for your children.

I basically agree with everyone else who says that this is not a healthy situation for any of you to be in and the sooner you can remove yourself from it, the better it will be for everyone.  Perhaps you can ask your lawyer where you stand with regard to the children whose safety must be paramount.

Peggy

Dear robert:

“I’m more looking for advice on how to deal with the depression of the whole situation, if you have any?”-

– a big part of depression is feeling powerless to change the difficult circumstances of our lives. Seeing no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, feeling stuck in a bad place, a bad situation.

This is why a plan of action is most important- planning and following practical steps to correct a difficult situation, or in your case- to exit it.

Every day, as you follow that practical plan of action, as you exert therefore some power  over your life, or at least, you are working toward exerting power over your life, at the end of the day say to yourself: today, I did all that I can do.

The Serenity Prayer states: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference”.

When you witness any particular distressing situation in your home, ask yourself: is this something I can change or something I should try to change right now? If it  is, do so. If it isn’t- accept it, let it be, there is nothing for you to do. Take a few slow, deep breath, say to yourself: this too shall pass and attend to your children.

(Perhaps your plan of action should include collecting evidence of her behavior at home- ask your lawyer regarding collecting evidence/ documenting her abusive behavior, times, dates and so forth).

anita