Home→Forums→Relationships→Severely Depressed Due to Break Up / Feeling Like I'm At Fault
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Dawn.
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May 5, 2016 at 10:40 am #103636
CarlyParticipantHi all,
I’m hoping you all can provide some advice or some compassionate words.
I was dating my ex for 7 years. Things were really great, and than in 2013 I moved out to where he was living and we moved in together. In march of 2014 I started noticing he was acting strange but couldn’t figure it out, and July 2014 he got so drunk and had to be taken to the hospital. He entered out-patient rehab, but since then he was off and on relapsing, acting strange, and not having his stories matched up. I tried to get him to talk about what was going on but it was hard to get him to open up. I know he was stressed because his parents divorced and he didn’t like his job. As a side note, he also received some concussions in the past from playing sports, so I’m not sure if that was another underlying issue.
In March 2015 I moved to another state for a job opp. He agreed it was the right move and would follow me, even though he initially said he didn’t want me to leave. Even after I left, similar issues would still arise. He would call me and we would have a conversation, and then would call me again 5 minutes later like we never talked. His stories wouldn’t match up on what he did the night before.
In November there was a huge incident, and he asked for a week break, but I suggested longer because I was tired and nothing I had tried or said before worked. Then in January when we agreed to talk again, he broke up for me for good, saying he couldn’t be with me…and then just stopped talking to me. After 7 years. as did most of his family (who is like my second family) and our friends.
Right now I’m struggling feeling like the most awful person who gave up on the person they love the most. I feel like I abandoned him, I mean I moved away less than a year after things got out of control. Who does that on the person they wanted to marry? I feel like the didn’t do enough, wasn’t patient enough or compassionate enough. I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore and it’s such a struggle to get through the day when I feel like I’m not worthy. I’m also wondering if his concussions were an issue- something I looked past because all i saw was the drinking.
I also feel horrible because I would go to him with my troubles and insecurities, and I feel like maybe he was trying to shield me from his problems, thus internally held them in- and drinking was the only way to let them free.
This is only the surface of my story so if you need to ask questions please feel free. Any advice would be so much appreciated it.
Thank you!
May 5, 2016 at 11:52 am #103646
DawnParticipantHi Carly,
My name is Dawn and I’m a recovered alcoholic. I’m sorry for what both you and your ex are going through. I understand how it feels to be uncertain when it comes to loving someone with erratic behavior and/or an alcohol problem. I not only put my family and friends through this torture, but I grew up in an alcoholic home.
That being said, you did what was best for you. Try and remember you only have control over your thoughts about a situation, not someone else’s feelings or actions. There’s nothing you can do to create a best case scenario. The most important thing you can do is to accept what is and work on forgiving yourself.
We can’t “fix” someone else. If your ex wasn’t able to communicate his needs don’t beat yourself up for communicating yours. This wasn’t selfish of you, in fact you sound very selfless. It’s up to each of us to communicate what we need and if you build guilt around what someone else didn’t do you’re setting yourself up for continued depression. Again, we only have control over our feelings and reactions to a situation. Try and take this time for the lesson it is and use it to empower yourself to work on you. Work on loving and accepting all of you. Happiness is within your control – when we allow our negative thoughts to create “what if” scenarios in our head we’re living in the problem, not the solution. Each situation is neutral until we make it positive or negative. There is a lesson in everything if we can get out of our own head long enough to see and hear it.
I wish the best and will keep you in my thoughts.
May 5, 2016 at 12:48 pm #103647
AnonymousGuestDear Carly:
How strange: you started a very similar thread 1/27/16, same topic, same thoughts and feelings. I answered as well as a couple of other members, but you didn’t respond there to comments received. Yet you started a new thread with the same original post. Did you forget the last one?
anita
May 5, 2016 at 1:24 pm #103650CarlyParticipantHi Dawn,
Thank you so much for your response! I really truly appreciate it. I really like what you said “Each situation is neutral until we make it positive or negative. There is a lesson in everything if we can get out of our own head long enough to see and hear it” I will work to keep that in mind when I am feeling down.
Thank you again!I will keep you in my thoughts as well.
May 5, 2016 at 1:25 pm #103651CarlyParticipantHi Anita,
I did respond to the comments, but when no one answered I decided to step away for a bit. I wanted to start a new thread in hopes of fresh perspective.
Thanks
May 5, 2016 at 2:47 pm #103659AnonymousGuestDear Carly:
I checked again on that thread and your only post is the original post. Two members replied and the thread ended there.
As to a fresh perspective, I will offer you that: You wrote that in November (of last year, I suppose) he wanted to take a break from you and in January he broke up with you. So he wanted to end the relationship with you those two times and therefore the relationship ended. Now you feel guilty for “giving up on him” while according to your account, he gave up on you.
Hopefully him ending the relationship with you worked for him. I hope you learn what you need to learn from it and move on to a better relationship when you are ready.
If you’d like to share what you learned from that relationship, please do.
anita
May 5, 2016 at 3:36 pm #103666CarlyParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks very strange my post has disappeared as I know I replied. Thank you for bringing that to my attention
May 5, 2016 at 3:37 pm #103668AnonymousGuestDear Carly:
You are welcome.
anita
May 5, 2016 at 4:27 pm #103693
Brav3ParticipantHi Carly,
I am going through a breakup to. I will try my best to help you. Here’s something I would like to say about your breakup.
1. Everything is impermanent/ changes that includes people and situations.
a. Your ex changed, he wasn’t the same person due to issues in his life.
b. Your relationship with him changed. Try and see how it was at the start and then in 2014 with his new behavior how it started changing.# Here’s what I’ve learnt from my ex. We cannot grasp or cling to people because everybody changes, including you and me. We cannot stop or control it. We suffer when we continue to cling on something that was in the past, its changed, its gone.
# Advice : Learn to cultivate acceptance and letting go, very hard but not impossible. The heart break feeling and emotions that you and I are going through, it will change.
2. You aren’t at fault for this breakup. Why?
a. Because you never gave up on him, he did on you and broke up with you
b. You did everything you could possibly do, even tolerating is alcoholism and poor behavior.
c. You moved out for a job, not to break up with him. In fact, you were trying to give another chance, a fresh start.# Your mind will continue to torment you with “if only I did this or that better” thoughts. The truth is you loved him and did everything you could do throughout our time, sure you would have made some mistakes, but you never gave up on him.
# Advice: Embrace the fact that you cannot control your ex or his decision to not be with you or his feelings towards you. I know I couldn’t, when my ex told me that she doesn’t want to be with me or she doesn’t want even try. I still go through feeling of shocks and denial.
3. Your self discovery journey starts now. There will be alot emotions that you have to go through, grief, anger, loneliness, sadness, shock, confusion, denial etc. etc. I am sorry to say but there’s no escape from it, I am going through them every day. You meant to go through this journey and bear this pain. My heart goes to you. Find support through friend or counselor but do not numb yourself with drugs, alcohol, recreational sex, binge tv or eating etc.. These feelings don’t go until they teach you something very important.
4. Last important advice. I say this to myself everyday ” This is meant to happen”. We all wish that this current/ present moment is wrong because this was never meant to happen. And we want it to go away. I feel like this everyday. But the acceptance only comes when you learn to stay with pain. Learn to be with what is.
Hope it helps. I send you compassion and relief.
May 6, 2016 at 8:15 am #103745DawnParticipantYou’re welcome Carly. It’s not easy, but getting out of yourself and stepping back from the situation can sometimes shed light on the neutrality we turn into a problem. If you can learn the lesson you’ll be able to use each moment to live now, instead of in the past.
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