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Peggy.
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July 25, 2019 at 11:27 pm #304953
Bonni_morParticipantMy bf and I have been together for 22 months. When we met we had great chemistry, a lot of spontaneity and fun and a generally fulfilling sexual relationship, among others.
I caught him engaging in sexual conversations with an ex in March 2019. He confessed to not being satisfied with the sex we were having at the time. He shared that I had stopped initiating and that I was no longer as spontaneous as I used to be. He confessed that although he hadn’t had sex with the ex, he would have had I not caught him communicating with her by text.
I too wasn’t happy with the routine sex that we were having and was obviously disappointed that he decided to address the issue outside of me and betray my trust, but owing to the bond we’d formed and the love that we have for each other, I stayed. I further expressed that I had become complacent sexually because I wasn’t reaching climax, which really watered down my experience. But I took accountability for not expressing this to him when I should’ve or showing him how to do it.
We went for therapy, we reconnected on a romantic level and are truly at the height of our relationship romantically, however, the sex has become worse. He currently cannot get an erection and has expressed that he does not sexually desire me anymore.
He says that he wants to try and fix and salvage the romantic relationship we have, by trying to fix the sexual relationship, but we are having great difficulty doing so and it’s taking its toll on my self-esteem.
All sexual encounters seem forced or like a high-pressure task. Particularly on his part because he is anxious that he will not get an erection and further hurt my feelings, and I have been rejected on initiation as well which has hurt like hell. I’m currently drowning.
Is this self-harm? Should we just accept that we are not meant to be together? Is there a way to address this that doesn’t lead to a break up?
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July 26, 2019 at 3:09 am #304959
PeggyParticipantHi Bonni-mor,
There seems to be a lot of different issues thrown up in your post, blame is one of them.
He is not satisfied with his sex life so he turns to an ex girlfriend in the hope that she can somehow fix this. When he is confronted with this he conveniently has you to blame. Despite your ‘romantic’ life being good? after therapy, he doesn’t desire you sexually.
Sex does not fix a relationship. If the relationship isn’t working, it isn’t working.
Erectile dysfunction can have it’s roots in deeper issues, one of which might be an underlying medical problem. Perhaps he should talk to a doctor about this even if it is only to rule it out.
I wouldn’t put this under the heading of ‘self harm’. As a couple you seem to have a major problem. If he doesn’t actually desire you then there isn’t much you can do about this. If having a satisfying, sexual relationship is important to you, as it seems to be, then you may have to accept that you are with the wrong person.
Peggy
July 26, 2019 at 10:49 am #305023
AnonymousGuestDear Bonni_mor:
Welcome back. You wrote that you caught him in sexual conversations with his ex March this year, but you wrote about those sexual exchanges with his ex February this year, in your previous thread. Did it happen in March as well?
Back in February, you expected a long distance relationship with him because, if I remember correctly, his plan was to move to New York, has his plan changed?
You wrote Feb: “my perceptions of him and our relationship have been thrown so off kilter that I cannot trust my judgment enough to believe he would’ve truly changed. I will always wonder. Once bitten, twice shy. I can forgive that he is human, but I will always consider that he has betrayed me”-
– what is the status on your perceptions of him and the relationship, your trust in your judgment, betrayal since February?
anita
July 27, 2019 at 12:48 am #305145Bonni_morParticipantHi Anita,
just to confirm, I’m referring to the same incident. I dealt with the brunt of it in March because I was still writing exams in February and couldn’t really focus too much on the affair at the time, so I refer to it as having happened in March only because that is when I truly dealt with it, but it happened in early February.
His plans have not changed. He is still moving in August.
I perceive him to genuinely regret having betrayed my trust and not having been honest. I’m not happy that he cheated on me but we have come out the other side in a much better place. We communicate a lot better, we’re more vulnerable in ways we never have before, he’s reassured me that he is as committed as I am to being together because we are great together and we love each other. I wouldn’t say my trust is fully restored but I have committed to making us work.
I also believe that my judgment is in tact because he has been able to relay how he feels a lot and that has allowed me to make decisions based on what’s real and that affirms to me that my judgment is good. Therapy has however helped me accept that human beings can shock you sometimes and when they do, I should be able to receive it just as that, and not account it to who I am. I can’t foresee everything and that says nothing about my judgment.
I can also play a role in adopting poor judgment by not addressing uncomfortable issues. The latter is what I did because his reason for cheating stemmed from the sex problems, which I also took issue with but didn’t express to him.
Overall, he is a great man and who has owned up to his mistakes. I do trust my perception of his feelings and commitment towards me now. I would just like to figure out how we fix the sex issues because we both want to.
July 27, 2019 at 1:04 am #305147Bonni_morParticipantHi Peggy,
thank you for your contribution.
you seem to have misinterpreted what I have said. We are not using sex to fix the relationship. The romantic relationship is fixed, we are experiencing sexual problems, which is more a business rooted in the mind. Not only an emotional one.
Sexual challenges are a big thing, but I think it’s not the end of a relationship because it can be navigated. I’m just expressing that it has become difficult to try and navigate it because we both feel under a lot of pressure to perform.
Yes, it may be medical. He hasn’t been for a check up yet.
I am willing to accept that he is not the right person for me, but I truly don’t believe it right now. We really are great together otherwise.
July 27, 2019 at 2:55 am #305151
ThonditParticipantDear Bonni _mor
Based on your explanation here; i will asked you once again that do you both of you have any kind of quarrel between??? If not than tell your husband to see a doctor!!! Another point is that your husband might have some sort of stress…. That what makes him not to erected at the moment. So currently your husband is fighting with problems or stress. Try to out on that ,,,,, then you will finally see him later erecting when you are both happy. All the best.
Gregory
July 27, 2019 at 7:44 am #305173AnonymousGuestDear Bonni_mor:
“He currently cannot get an erection and has expressed that he does not sexually desire me anymore”- that would be workable if he didn’t care much about sex, if he didn’t desire it. But if he cares and desires sex with women, then not desiring you while he will be living long distance from you next month, is a big problem. Once he lives in New York, I imagine, he will probably be very motivated to see if he can perform with other women, so to feel better about himself.
“All sexual encounters seem forced or like a high-pressure task.. he is anxious that he will not get an erection.. we both feel under a lot of pressure to perform”
– attempting sex is no longer fun, not for you and not for him. The pressure is even greater because he is about to move away, long distance, isn’t it, having only a couple of weeks before he leaves?
“I perceive him to genuinely regret having betrayed my trust… We communicate a lot better… he’s reassured me that he is as committed as I am to being together… I have committed to making us work… Overall, he is a great man who has owned up to his mistakes… We really are great together otherwise”-
The two of you may make it through this significant challenge. If I understand correctly and he will be living long distance in a couple of weeks o so, then the problem is very unlikely to be resolved in such a short time. Trying to do so, will only increase the pressure in the bedroom. It may be better not to try at all. If I was you, I will relax with him for the remainder of the time together, having a friends relationship, very close friends because this is the strong point in the relationship at this time.
I think that your best bet for the purpose of maintaining and improving this relationship is to relax into the strong point of the relationship at this time: being close friends. Don’t focus on the weak point. No pressure, that is, no sexual attempts at all, at this time is what I would do in your place.
anita
July 27, 2019 at 4:13 pm #305223PeggyParticipantHi Bonni-mor,
Sorry for the delay in replying but I’m finding it difficult to know quite how to. Your relationship seems to have gone into some sort of mechanical state. Something to be fixed. First the romantic side, then the sexual side. “Fixed” seems to be a strange term to use in the context of a relationship. A relationship needs to be able to change, grow, expand, move – it cannot stay the same. Your boyfriend professes to love you but doesn’t desire you. The two generally go hand in hand.
Now thrown into the mix is his impending move to New York. It could be another reason for his anxiety interfering with his performance or it could become a way out of his dilemma. I can’t imagine that this relationship will survive the distance if it has run into difficulties close up.
I suggest you reconnect with that fun, spontaneous, person you used to be and just try and enjoy the next couple of weeks that you have together. Beyond that, I think you will just have to wait and see.
I’m sorry I can’t be more help.
Peggy
August 6, 2019 at 1:55 am #306795Bonni_morParticipantDear Anita and Peggy,
We cracked under the pressure and I was on anxiety medication because of what I’ve been going through, so we jointly decided to break up.
I’m inconsolable. But relieved. Thank you both for your words.
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August 6, 2019 at 9:14 am #306841AnonymousGuestDear Bonni_mre:
It will hurt for a while. You already feel relieved though, this is good. Better than continuing a long distance relationship and wondering what he is doing far away. Better hurt now then prolonged and continued anxiety and worry.
Please do post anytime you want to.
anita
August 6, 2019 at 12:03 pm #306897PeggyParticipantHi Bonni-Mor,
I hope you feel better soon.
Peggy
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