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anita.
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August 29, 2025 at 9:55 am #449075
Debbie
ParticipantI was not sure which forum this would fit in and decided on this one.
I have seen the same therapist since 2022. I like her and do feel she has helped me. I’m at the point now where I make an appointment when I feel the need to check in or am going through something in particular. I had a session Wednesday and something she said has really bothered me. I was telling her about a situation with my nephew and his now ex-girlfriend (they were together 4 years) that triggered a reaction in me due to my own past trauma in a bad marriage and his ex-girlfriend and I are close. My nephew emotionally cheated on his ex-girlfriend and the way he broke it off with her was unkind, to say the least. My nephew immediately went into a relationship with this other woman. I have worked through it by reminding myself that it’s not my pain. I was telling my therapist that I had a lot of anger and disappointment toward my nephew that I journaled about and worked through but for my own well-being I’m just taking a break from my nephew and am not reaching out as I usually would. What my therapist said that is just not sitting well is…”shame on you for judging your nephew.” Ouch. She went on to say I don’t know his side. He may have been very unhappy, the relationship wasn’t fulfilling his needs or desire, etc. I understand all that and I agree. My judgement was harsh because it based on my own past relationship where my ex cheated (physically cheated), left our marriage and got into an immediate relationship with someone else. BUT…her saying “shame on me…” seems wrong especially as a mental health professional. She did try to back pedal by saying she didn’t actually mean shame but the words were already said.
I didn’t say anything in the session (my protective instinct is to shut down) and am unsure how to proceed. As I said I don’t see her regularly anymore just when the need arises. Part of me wants to make another appointment to talk about this but then I don’t want to spend the money on a session just for that.
Am I overreacting to her choice of words?
Thanks in advance for your opinion.
August 29, 2025 at 11:47 am #449080Roberta
ParticipantDear Debbie
This is what I found a therapist’s code of conduct is a set of ethical principles and professional standards, guided by professional bodies like the BACP and ACA, focusing on client well-being, autonomy, confidentiality, and boundaries. Key principles include promoting client welfare (beneficence), avoiding harm (non-maleficence), respecting client autonomy and dignity, maintaining confidentiality and professional boundaries, and acting with integrity and honesty. Therapists must also ensure their own self-care and stay within their competence, referring clients when necessary.Do you feel that you can trust & respect her in future sessions?
Since she did back pedal she may have already done some self reflection on how & why she spoke that way to you. You could write to her asking why she chose to make that particular comment. Hopefully her reply would clear the way for your next session not to be polluted by her comment should you wish to have her as your therapist.
Kind regards
RobertaAugust 29, 2025 at 1:59 pm #449083Alessa
ParticipantHi Debbie
I’m sorry to hear that your ex left you in such a horrible way. ❤️
I can understand it being a trigger for you and why you would feel disappointed by how your nephew behaved. Is he young? I feel like young people do silly stuff like this a lot and older people, well they should really know better. Even if people are hurting in relationships, these things should ideally still be handled properly. Sadly, people make mistakes and handle things imperfectly.
It sounds like you might need to process what happened to you some more. Ideally, it would be good to unpick your nephew from your own pain. Then it might be easier to interact with him again? Perhaps think of some pleasant memories you have with your nephew?
Hmm I don’t know what is going on with your therapist, but I think it is safe to say that you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.
The only difficulty is really your nephew might be a bit hurt and confused by changes in communication. But it is important to take care of yourself while you feel you need it. ❤️
Perhaps, your therapist defending your nephew might have brought up something? If she is defending my nephew, is she defending my ex? Is she saying that I am at fault for the difficulties in my own relationship? To be clear, I doubt this is the case. But subconscious fears can arise.
Therapists are people too and they do make mistakes. She chose her words poorly. A good therapist will be able to apologize for their mistakes.
It can actually be beneficial for therapeutic relationships when they do make mistakes because it gives you a safe space to stand up for yourself. I would encourage you to tell her that you were hurt when she said that. It is quite a wonderful thing to have your needs met, when you use all of your courage to stand up for yourself. ❤️
August 29, 2025 at 9:34 pm #449088silvery blue
ParticipantHello Debbie,
was it only once or have you experienced more troubles with this therapist?
It is possible that she made a mistake, but her intention wasn’t bad.
I personally would try another session and see what happens. If she isn’t careful and respectful, try to find another therapist.
Sending ☀️
🦋
August 29, 2025 at 9:40 pm #449089silvery blue
ParticipantBy the way, I find the idea to have a session with her and talk about this useful, but there is of course a risk that she could react diffrently than you expect.
But I am sure you can do it! ❤️
🦋
August 30, 2025 at 10:11 am #449099anita
ParticipantDear Debbie:
First, about what your therapist said—“Shame on you for judging your nephew”—
That phrase is deeply loaded. In therapy, shame is often the very wound people are trying to heal. It should never be used as a tool against the client.
Even if your therapist didn’t intend harm, saying “shame on you” crosses a line. It’s a moral judgment, not a therapeutic intervention. Therapists are trained to avoid language that shames or blames—especially when someone is working through trauma or relational pain. That kind of phrasing can shut down vulnerability, trigger old wounds, and make the space feel unsafe.
A trauma-informed therapist would have recognized that your anger wasn’t just about your nephew—it was connected to deeper pain. Instead of honoring your emotional clarity and protective instincts, the focus was redirected to your nephew’s possible suffering. That kind of reversal can feel invalidating, even disorienting.
While this may not qualify as a formal ethical violation, it does raise important concerns: emotional safety, attunement to trauma, and the power dynamics in the room—especially when a therapist uses shaming language and then backpedals without repair.
So let me say this clearly: you’re not overreacting. Your discomfort is real, and your instincts are trustworthy. That phrasing was inappropriate, full stop.
Even when a client has acted in harmful ways (which is not true in your case), the therapist’s role is to explore the why, not shame the who. There are ways to invite accountability that still honor dignity—like asking, “What do you feel when you think about that moment?” or “Can we explore how that may have affected the other person?” These kinds of questions open doors, rather than shutting them.
Some therapeutic styles do use challenge or confrontation—but never shaming. Even in intense moments, the language must stay rooted in respect and curiosity.
Again: shame is often the wound. It should never be the weapon.
Now, about your relationship with your nephew—
Your instinct to protect yourself, to journal through the pain, and to set boundaries is not only valid—it’s wise. Taking space wasn’t about punishment; it was about clarity. You recognized that his actions stirred something unresolved in you, and instead of reacting impulsively, you chose distance. That’s not avoidance—it’s discernment.
You didn’t lash out. You didn’t demand anything. You simply chose not to reach out as you normally would. That’s a boundary. Quiet, clear, and rooted in self-respect.
And the way you processed your anger—through writing, reflection, and self-inquiry—is a beautiful example of emotional maturity. You honored your truth without needing to make anyone else responsible for it. That’s emotional sovereignty: staying loyal to yourself, even when others might not understand.
Emotional intelligence isn’t just about empathy or communication—it’s about knowing what you need, honoring your limits, and responding to pain with clarity instead of chaos. You did all of that. And it’s not just valid—it’s powerful.
With warmth and respect, Anita
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