August 13, 2017 at 6:54 am #163704
I'm hoping to get some help and insight with my dilemma.
I left my emotionally abusive ex boyfriend approximately 6 weeks ago. I've had quite a stressful year and it has really taken a toll on me. I've managed to handle everything quite strongly on my own (with no support from him), as well as help support him with his side business. The last straw was an extremely cold and hurtful comment he gave me when I had just had the news that a close family member had been diagnosed with cancer. I believe he may be a functioning alcoholic and his comment came from anger as he had accidentally dropped a bottle of alcohol and was then in a bad mood. I argued how inappropriate his comment was, to which the weekend that followed, he blamed me for the argument that occurred and said that I am a difficult person to try to communicate with. He would then say he wanted a break, I then offered to give him a week off and he tried to lure me back with sex practically within 5 minutes of the conversation. This happened 3 times that weekend. As you can imagine, by Tuesday, I was a nervous wreck. That same Tuesday, I received a message from a close friend who offered me a bed to sleep in if I wanted to leave. Without hesitation, I took them up on that offer and left while he was at work the following Friday – I didn't tell him I was leaving, as I did not want him to try and stop me like he had the previous weekend.
As well as all of this, there have been threats to have me taken away in a straight jacket, comparisons to ex girlfriends, comments on my weight, my intelligence, apparently I ‘lack passion for life', I am unmotivated and uninspired.
Jump to present time – 6 weeks later – and I'm feeling all sorts of emotions. I'm constantly battling my heart and my head. I miss him dearly and I love the good side of him. I've been extremely strong and focused through this process and have had no intentions of giving him another chance. That past couple of weeks he has been messaging me asking how I am. I have replied, but my replies have been short and closed and sent about 2 days after his messages were received. Last week, he asked if I wanted to meet up before he went away on a business trip this week. All I could think was, what's the point? I politely declined but since then he has constantly been on my thoughts and I'm starting to think that maybe I should have gone to see what he wanted.
He has now gone away for work and I can see that he has been openly flirting with other women on social media. I messaged him on FB to say I hope he has a great time. He replied as soon as he read my message by giving me a brief run down of his trip and saying he hoped that I was well, followed by the kiss and heart emoji.
I've got 2 – 3 weeks before he comes back from his work trip and I'm so unsure what to do. Right now, I'm struggling to see the bad and only looking at the good times we shared. Underneath his coldness, we actually get along really, really well. We have the same goals, enjoy the same lifestyle, etc. We connect on a physical and mental level – these are connections I find quite difficult to come by with other people and I have fear that I might not find it again.
I guess the reason I am writing here is for people to give me some advise. If I was an outsider reading the above, I would say run for the hills. Underneath this cruelty and given some of our positive times though, I can see someone with a really good heart, who has some sort of sickness and I'm probably feeling guilty for leaving when I should have stayed to help.
Any advise would be appreciated. Do you think he is wanting to give it another go with me with the messages he has been sending? How should I handle things when / if the time comes when he wants to meet up again? Is it worth giving another go if given the opportunity?
Thanks so much for your comments,
LouiseAugust 13, 2017 at 4:35 pm #163784
You say he is a “good guy in some ways” but I don't see any good guy after reading your post and the horrible, abusive things he said to you. It makes me sad, and I'm so glad you left that toxic person. You then stated, he was flirting with other women on Social media, so his emoji to you of a kiss, I doubt was sincere, if he is flirting with other women, he is probably sending them flirty, emoji's as well.
I would not have any more contact with this man, no quick “meetings” no matter how charming he may be. Abusers most often mask themselves as charming and flirtatious, and then as soon as they hook you, they do a complete turn around. They don't or will never change. You can't fix him. Only with the help with a professional therapist, and if he wants to change, will or perhaps he may change.
Let's say he wants to get back together? Would you really be happy to go back to a verbally abusive man and stagnant relationship? Someone who talks about straitjackets and make unkind comments about weight? You deserve better. A relationship with a loving, healthy, stable, kind man.August 14, 2017 at 1:53 am #163812
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Eliana,</p>
Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it. I'm feeling stronger today and definitely not interested to hear what he has to say on his return. Its such a roller coaster of emotions, but you're right I do deserve better. No one deserves to be treated like that.
Louise xxAugust 14, 2017 at 4:27 am #163820
You wrote: “he asked if I wanted to meet up before he went away on a business trip this week. All I could think was, what’s the point?”
You answered your question: “We have the same goals, enjoy the same lifestyle, etc. We connect on a physical and mental level”.
You stated the following behaviors as abusive: “threats to have me taken away in a straight jacket, comparisons to ex girlfriends, comments on my weight, my intelligence, apparently I ‘lack passion for life’, I am unmotivated and uninspired.”
Breaking down the list:
1. Threats to have you taken away in a straight jacket: how often did he threaten that and what preceded his threats? Maybe you can describe the last time he threatened that.
2. Comparisons to ex girlfriends: can you give an example or two of such comparisons?
3. Comments on your weight and intelligence: can you give an example of each?
4. Comments on your lack of passion, motivation and inspiration: again, can you give an example?
anitaAugust 14, 2017 at 4:50 am #163824
You very question answers itself: “Should I move on from my emotionally abusive ex?” Yes, you should move on because he is emotionally abusive AND your ex.
Since you broke up HE gets to flirt with other girls while knowing you see it on social media AND gets to send flirty, easy breezy cute emojis to you? Like you are one of his Flirt Harem?
You get to block him.
He has given you nothing but insults and makes you feel bad. It's time for you to feel good.
He had his chance.
Cast him loose,
InkyAugust 14, 2017 at 12:17 pm #163932
Hi Louise, I read your post and I know *EXACTLY* what you're going through. Im in the same position right now. I'll just give you a little background: my boyfriend was Lynnrd Skynnrds nephew and he thought he was God's gift to the earth, women etc, very arrogant, super good looking and just really berated me every chance he got, cheated on me constantly, FORCED me to shave my head all the time and was just really mean. But then on the flip side he was so adorable, sweet, fun & charming. That's what I always remember but I have to FORCE MYSELF to remember how he hit me, shaved my head, cheated on me, called me ugly and fat, etc. It's like I have a block and can't remember those times. I have to make myself though because I feel a sort of freedom since I left him 4 weeks ago. He literally had a new girlfriend within 2 days. So that shows how much he actually cared, hasn't texted me, called me, nothing. GAME OVER. Time for us to move on. It's hard and I try to think positive and interrupt my thoughts when I think of him because it's useless because I am NEVER going back, so what's the point in wallowing and thinking about him. I've cried enough.
There' s a time to open doors and a time to shut them. Not everybody is suppose to be in our lives forever. We have to know when it's time to move on and I think you and I both know, it's over.
Im sorry you're going through this right now, but stay strong. Don't give in. I know I am NOT.
This too shall pass and we'll be better people for it and smile back on this one day!
muuuwah! VoxAugust 14, 2017 at 4:03 pm #163950
I've broken down your questions as per the below:
1. Threats to have you taken away in a straight jacket: how often did he threaten that and what preceded his threats? Maybe you can describe the last time he threatened that. – He only threatened me with that once, but I found it to be scary. The day that that had happened, I was getting ready to go out for the afternoon with some friends. He was invited, however declined the invitation and was encouraging me to go out. I was in the bathroom getting ready and he was sitting on a chair outside of the bathroom antagonising me – wanting to start a fight. I kept asking him to leave me alone as the things he was saying were really starting to make me angry and upset. He would not leave and kept going with insults and that's when I got the comment that I needed to watch myself or he would have an ambulance come and take me away in a straight jacket. I closed the door at that point because I was in so much shock, that I could not continue listening to it. I don't believe that my responses were warranting a comment like that – all I was asking was for him to leave me alone. My replies may have been heated, but he did not respect my wishes to just leave me be as he was being quite cruel and hurtful with his comments.
2. Comparisons to ex girlfriends: can you give an example or two of such comparisons? Continually showing me photos of ex girlfriends, telling me how skinny and hot they were and how they were good wife material. I am a size 10 and quite tall so not someone that needs to lose weight. Because I had never been married before and they are all married, this makes them good wife material, but however I would not be a good wife or mother as I have never been married or had children (this was his argument). He also told me that if an ex girlfriend of his from 10 years ago came back he would end it with me and get back with her. We split at that point, but I accepted him back. I believe he was trying to mould me into being the ‘perfect wife' in his eyes or more like his ex girlfriends.
3. Comments on your weight and intelligence: can you give an example of each? I don't really know what to say about the weight, the only thing I can say is because I am not a model. He wanted me to go to the gym 2 hours each day, however working full time, that was not a sustainable lifestyle for me. He would tell me he liked skinny woman – straight up and down and would always push me to work out and lose weight to ‘keep my husband happy'. He said that I eat too much. I eat a very balanced diet, breakfast, lunch and dinner – he only wanted me to eat dinner only. Intelligence – I have travelled some, however I have other priorities in life. I am more career and property focused and looking to settle down in life. He said that I am unintelligent and simple as I grew up in the country and because I am not as well travelled as what he is that makes me unintelligent. He also wanted me to study to be an anaesthetist (because there is good money in that), even though this is totally way off what I would like to do – I am more into sales / marketing / creativity. He wanted me to study this as it is the best paying job in Australia at the moment. Because I did not want to study, I had my own interests that I was trying to explore, this made me unintelligent as well.
4. Comments on your lack of passion, motivation and inspiration: again, can you give an example? I have a variety of interests and I don't really have that one thing that I am passionate about. He would just say that I didn't have passion for anything in life, was unmotivated and uninspired. I really can't answer why he said these things and he could not give me examples as to how. I think I'm quite successful and generally a positive happy person, I'm a little unsure where these comments came from.
All of these things that were said came from a place of anger and coldness. To be honest, I don't really know where a lot of these comments came from as they were just things that he said to me. When I would try and prompt him for more information, he gave me answers that had no logic to them at all or I would not get any answers and had to try to fill the gaps myself. Most of the time, it felt like it was more so he could feel more powerful and bring me down. Eventually it did start to chip away at me and it affected my self esteem.
I found it all to be extremely hypocritical. We were on level fitness wise, career wise, etc. I do not think either of us were more intelligent then the other. There was just a lot of push and pressure to be a certain type of person to keep him happy and in the end I was walking on eggshells and it was a very one sided relationship. I was the one doing everything, pushing myself to look a certain way, dress a certain way, doing all the housework, making effort with his family and friends. He did not meet any of my friends in the year and half that we were together and would say things like ‘I'm not interested in getting to know your single slut friends'. A comment I find totally disrespectful, not only to me but to women in general. In his down time after work, he would lie on the bed and you tube things for hours at a time or nap at 7pm at night. While this was happening, I was going to the gym, cooking dinner, cleaning, washing etc. He was a little sexist in his thinking, where woman still work and do everything around the house. Having said that, if gender roles are coming into play, I was still paying my own way and I don't think I ever got taken out for a nice meal.
Our weekends were still good. We would go bike riding together, camping together and there was still happy times, hence my confusion.
I hope this has made sense to your questions Anita.. please let me know what your thoughts are.
LouiseAugust 14, 2017 at 4:30 pm #163952
I'm not trying to sound mean, but this man is a rude, conceited, narcissist. What an ego. He is so full of himself, he could provide fertilizer to at least 1/2 the worlds farmers!! Please don't have any contact with this man, he is extremely toxic.August 14, 2017 at 4:32 pm #163954
Did not submit correctlyAugust 14, 2017 at 8:14 pm #163964
Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. I'm in total shock reading what you've had to endure. Even though my relationship was nearly not as bad as yours I could see that this is how it would have transpired if I had stayed. Thanks for your support and kind words, it's inspiring to hear how strong you are in your ordeal and has helped give me the confidence to move on and know my worth.
Louise xxAugust 14, 2017 at 8:16 pm #163966
You don't sound mean at all.. your comment gave me a giggle! Thanks for your support, it has really helped. I'm going to stay strong and do things to build myself up so when the time comes on his return and if he contacts me I will have that strength to say no again.
Louise xAugust 15, 2017 at 11:18 am #164092
A few posts ago you wrote: ““We have the same goals, enjoy the same lifestyle, etc. We connect on a physical and mental level”- I assume you meant that you connected well on the physical and mental level.
According to your detailed post, this is not the case.
You wrote: ” I don’t really know where a lot of these comments came from as they were just things that he said to me. When I would try and prompt him for more information, he gave me answers that had no logic to them at all or I would not get any answers and had to try to fill the gaps myself.”- this is not connecting well on the mental level. Connecting well would have been if you knew where his comments came from, if you didn't have to prompt him for information, only ask, and if he gave you logical answers. If you didn't try to fill gaps yourself.
According to your detailed post, you did not connect well on the physical level because he clearly expressed disapproval with your physical body.
Your examples of his disrespect and abuse toward you clearly indicate … a bad connection. A good connection has to have respect in it and empathy. These are terribly lacking in your examples.
You wrote: “weekends were still good. We would go bike riding together, camping together and there was still happy times, hence my confusion”-
A person who is cruel is not always cruel. He or she sometimes … takes breaks from being cruel, being nice and loving sometimes. Unlike in cartoons and certain movies, in real life people are not always good or always bad, always cruel or always loving. The cruelest people in history were sometimes loving, in certain contexts, at certain times, even to their victims.
Your ex boyfriend reads like a cruel individual. The fact that he is sometimes nice and loving and logical and whatnot is not incongruent with him being cruel.
anitaAugust 24, 2017 at 6:13 am #165410
I felt I had to write to you. I was with my ex for just short of a year. He too was emotionally abusive and controlling towards me. He did it in such a way that, at the time it didn't ever feel bad. When we split up I started seeing a counsellor and it took around 6 weeks before I realised he emotionally abused me and attempted to control me. Ive also realised that he is a narcissist. I do not know if your ex fits this bill but narcissists do not know how to accept and love themselves and are therefore incapable of loving someone else. They can do a very good impression of it though and even believe themselves. They always have to be and have the best and you must fit that ‘ideal'. When you don't they find a new ‘supply source'. Despite this, my ex showed me more love and affection than any previous boyfriend had and I really believed we had a future. His abuse and control was so cleverly disguised as ‘love' and having my best interests at heart that the good, fun, loving times shone through. These ‘highs' are our rewards and it is those rewards that we miss. I am now finally beginning to realise that I can and will find someone much better than him, the kind of guy I deserve, the love I deserve. Even though I am about to turn 40, which is scary, I know things are only going to get better. They will for you too! Keep strong! I found when I had weak moments and wanted to talk or text him I would contact a friend instead and they would very quickly remind me of his bad points. I wish I had had the strength like you to finish our relationship, he finished with me though after meeting his new ‘supply source' and trying very hard to push me to ending our relationship, but I didn't. I am beginning to be back in control now. Stay strong, there is definitely better out there for us!