Good for you, Kay. It’s always important to stick up for yourself!

Dear Kay:

Do congratulate yourself for doing a courageous thing: asking him about the woman you saw driving his car even though you were very scared to ask, good job on your part!

Even though you have questions for him, you already know a few answers: he wasn’t honest with you before you saw the woman in his car; he was not honest a short while after you asked him and eventually he told you some of the truth, if not all.

What to do? One thing for sure: no  more kissing and making out with him!

You have to honor yourself, treating your body, mind and heart with respect. It will be disrespectful to yourself to have any kind of romantic or physical relationship with him while he has a relationship with another woman.

If you don’t contact him next (and you shouldn’t) and he doesn’t contact you to apologize- you will have even more answers (without needing to ask any more questions).

You deserve to have an honest, trustworthy man in your life, and nothing less than that.

I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours from now. And again: congratulations for being courageous today!

anita

Dear Kay:

I suppose you do fit the anxious avoidant attachment style, but then.. most people do. And any one person’s attachment style is not permanent throughout a person’s lifetime. You definitely did a lot of avoiding: no relationship with a boy/ man before you were 29.

It is not that you are the only person anxious in regard to relationships and most everyone else is secure, and it just happens that you “always choose people that are not available or not good for (you)”- what it is, is that most people are not available or good for you!

A harsh reality, because the great majority of people, men and women are anxious in general and specifically in relationships.

It takes you knowing yourself more and more and when you meet a man, getting to know him more and more and figuring out if a match is a good idea, that is, if the two of you, anxious people, can help each other and build a healthy, loving relationship together.

The reason people are “craving for a relationship but scared at the same time” (some more than others), is because people got hurt in the context of their early life relationships, those with their parents. Every child is attached to her parent or parents and in that context can get very hurt. That hurt is carried on through life, and the now adult still craves a relationship but is afraid to get hurt yet again.

You wrote that you have “the belief that everyone eventually is going to abandon me“. January of this year, you wrote about your mother: “Some other times she just stopped talking to me, or just threaten us with abandon us“- when your mother threatened to abandon you, she created in you the fear of being abandoned.

When she stopped talking to  you, that was a form of abandonment, right there. When she “got physical with her anger”- that was a form of abandonment: gone was the warm, gentle, loving mother that she was (temporarily) at times and you could never count on a persistent warm, gentle and loving mother ever again.

“I was so  afraid to be alone with her”, you wrote. When you got a job offer abroad 4 years ago, you “accepted it without hesitation.. trying to escape from.. my mother. I wanted to be free”- escaping her is avoiding her- and that is the avoidant in the anxious avoidant attachment style. You wanted to be free of the emotional pain involved in living with your mother.

Key in life, as you proceed, is to avoid abusive people and not avoid people who treat you well.

Regarding the therapist you mentioned- if she was overwhelmed, it is because she wasn’t ready to be a therapist when you saw her. Maybe she is still not ready- there are plenty who aren’t. You wrote: “she said she did not know how she could help me”- did she try to help you, and if she did, how did she try to help you?

anita

Dear Kay:

Reads like your therapist did not prepare between sessions, did not study her notes and plan for the next session. She should have. For many therapists, maybe most, a patient or client exists only within the fifty minutes of the session and not in between. When I attended the first quality therapy of my life, in 2011, my therapist took notes, then reviewed them and after the session, he emailed me homework to do before the next session. In the next session, we reviewed my homework and took it from there. If there was a pressing issue, we started with the pressing issue. Our sessions often exceeded the hour, way beyond at times, no extra charge. He also didn’t charge for emailing me homework or for other phone/ email communication between sessions. He was very thoughtful, very organized and approach therapy in a scientific way, presenting me with objectives for the therapy and strategies as to how meet stated objectives.

His specialty was Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) with a heavy touch of Mindfulness.

You wrote: “last year, I became so anxious about wanting a relationship. I feel like before at least I was safe from everyone”- we are social animals, naturally and instinctively we crave relationships- it is our nature. We may feel safe temporarily when alone, and every social animal has its alone time, but not for too long. When alone for too long, we feel “just empty and without energy”.

Key to healthy living: at least  one relationship in which you are safe!

anita

Dear Kay:

Do keep good friends and expect your future boyfriend to be as kind to you as your friends are. A boyfriend shouldn’t be a man who makes out with you or has sex with you (prior thread), it needs to be first and foremost a friend, a person who treats you with empathy and respect, and never, ever uses you/ your body selfishly and otherwise mistreats you!

anita

Dear Kay:

You are welcome. I hope you rest and recover soon.

anita

Dear Kay:

I will be able to read your note to me and reply when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.

anita