March 20, 2018 at 8:52 pm #198503
I’ve been feeling this way for a long time. Ever since I was even young like 5 or 6, I’ve just wanted to kill myself. I didn’t even understand the implications as a young child. Now still, I’m a child at 15 (I know I’m young), and in order to cope with this extreme suicidal thoughts, I’ve just learned to not give a f%#%. I really just didn’t care about anything, but every now and then, that persona gets tiring. Acting happy. Acting normal. And most importantly just acting like a savage. Now I’m 99% sure I’m mentally ill in some way shape or form, and also depressed. I feel literally no empathy for anything except my dog (not joking). I’m a pampered rich kid and I hate my family. They are just so stupid I can’t tolerate them for a super long time, so occasionally I just rage at them when they piss me off. I don’t have the desire for friends. I just hate everyone I meet. So many people think I’m interesting or cool, and want to get to know me. I just talk to them casually and coldly, then just think about how much I hate them. I much more enjoy toying with people, setting them up, Framing them, and pissing them off. I did this a lot with my computer skills, and my schools flaws.
Hopefully no police are reading this and coming to my house, I made no effort to hide myself posting this.
I want to be clear, I’m not suicidal in any way, I consider it illogical, I may as well live my whole life no matter how painful it is to wait through, I’ll die eventually. I’m super bored with my life. TBH the only reason I haven’t killed myself already is because I thought about “what would my dog think” if I was gone, he’d be so sad. Anyway, I have these suicidal thoughts constantly in my head. I try to be normal on the inside, and make friends, even get a girlfriend, but it doesn’t work. Deep down, I want friends in a way, but mainly just for my entertainment. Right now I just scam people online and code cheats in video games for fun.
I’m suuuper depressed from going to school. It’s so easy and pointless. Now I’m not a straight 100 student. I always get exactly 90s because that what I’m required. No more no less. Besides I never try in school or do anything for it at home. I just cheat or do it in other classes. So much so, I considered what the complications of killing the principal would be. I’d help so many people. “If i were to kill myself (which I wouldn’t), I’d have to do that” I thought. I know I’m messed up.
Basically, what I’m getting at is, I just want to die from pure boredom and frustration with my life. It’s so predictable. I’m just going to get good grades and want to KMS for the next 3 years, then go to college and want to KMS. Then go get some stupid job and die. LIKE HOW CAN I BE HAPPY WITH THIS. Sometimes, I just want to run away and go do what I want. Pack a tent and clothes, then convert all the money from online to cash that I have. Then go and do what I want for a week or two. Like seriously I’m not lying or joking about anything said in this post. I’m being transparent. I came here because I was scared to tell anyone the truth. So I want to hear whats wrong with me.March 20, 2018 at 9:55 pm #198519Hey Its JessParticipant
First lets get this clear, depression is not a “problem” its a sign so you don’t need to panic and think that something is “wrong” with you. Please don’t be so hard on yourself and learn to accept these “bad” thoughts along with the good ones because they are a part of you…its not something to be looked upon with hate.
Secondly, you need to really zone out and observe your thoughts. Think about what you really want? what truly makes you happy? Who or what is stopping you from doing the things that you want to do? What would you do if that obstacle didn’t exist?
Remember, that no one has to live a certain way because they are expected to. You can literally live your life any way you want. As cheesy as it sounds, the possibilities are endless.March 21, 2018 at 8:40 am #198611MarkParticipant
I have learned that in order to stop focusing on my misery is to focus on helping others. With your case, you love your dog. If you want to shift things in your life then I suggest trying something different in order to make things different for yourself.
Try volunteering at an animal shelter. Can you use your dog as a care/comfort animal for people in nursing/elder care homes?
Just a couple of suggestions if you are open to them.
MarkMarch 21, 2018 at 10:50 am #198651
You wrote that you came here, started this thread that is, because you “were scared to tell anyone the truth”. So you want to tell the truth. That is a good thing. I like truth. If you are willing, we can see more and more of the truth. It will take back and forth communication.
You wrote: “I’m a pampered rich kid”- pampered how?
anitaMarch 21, 2018 at 3:02 pm #198695
Basically my parents are rich, is all I am saying. I shouldn’t not like them they’ve only been nice to me.March 21, 2018 at 3:05 pm #198697
Look man that falls under my category of just “a simple life and then die, having to work.” I won’t get anywhere this way. I fear the only way for myself ever to become happy is to either become so rich I quit my job. This makes myself just want to die when I’m 18 and call it a day.March 21, 2018 at 3:09 pm #198699
You see these are my obstacles.
-Money… Ironically it’s what I want, but with money existing it makes me strive for that and feel no value in my life
You see, I don’t want to just grow up and work under some boss I hate and basically let him control my life (income basically, because money decides what you do etc.) this is why I hate school so much. All the controlling poepleMarch 21, 2018 at 6:11 pm #198717MarkParticipant
If you could do anything in the world without restrictions of money and place, what would you do?
You have went to great lengths on describing what you hate. What do you like? Even a little bit?
Make it your mission to find and focus on those things/activities/people that you do like and enjoy no matter how small it may be.
Be persistent and practice those things. Keep building on them.
MarkMarch 22, 2018 at 2:31 am #198751Hey Its JessParticipant
Tbh, I don’t prefer working under someone either. An office-like environment with tons of rules and regulations creeps me out. Truth is, many people are like that so we aren’t diseased or something lol xD
You just need to find what you like doing as a hobby, for a start, and transform it into a skill. It doesn’t have to be a die hard passion. Just something you like doing. Try different things like singing, coding, computer programming, painting, writing, yoga, etc.
There’s more to life than just getting a job, getting married and then dying.March 22, 2018 at 4:25 am #198763
My summary and understanding of what you shared: you are fifteen and angry, very angry (hate) your family and you hate everyone you meet. You wanted to kill yourself for about ten years. You feel “no empathy for anything except (your) dog”. You enjoy toying with people, setting them up, framing them, scamming them, and making them angry. You feel very bored. You want friends but “just for (your) entertainment”.
You wrote about your parents: “I shouldn’t not like them they’ve only been nice to me”
I disagree with the statement I just quoted. How do I know, one may ask, I only read a post by you, Andrew, never met you, never met your parents. How do I know?
Well, I know because it is very unlikely that you were born a hating baby, and you didn’t mention having had a brain injury at five or six when you started wanting to kill yourself. So I figure, you weren’t born a hating baby who wanted to kill himself. So, I ask myself, how did this come about?
Who interacts with a baby, a young child? Parents. What happened there- rejection, I suppose. Rejection of much of who you were and who you are. So, you are hurt and angry and you want to hurt others. Hurt people get angry and want to hurt others.
Rejected people reject themselves and without vital parts of themselves are bored. Without those parts, there is no interest in life, all seems boring and pointless.
Are you interested in exploring what vital parts of you were rejected by your parents, or are you angry with me and ready to toy with me, scam me and try to hurt me as well?
anitaJuly 9, 2021 at 6:43 pm #382704LevonaireParticipant
I also feel the same way…
You repeat the same pattern everyday, over and over again. I want something more than this, something more interesting, something new.
Also that statement about how killing yourself is illogical I also think that its pointless. Why kill yourself? What would I gain from that? Peace? Life is already peaceful as it is I don’t need any more of that…
I often find myself just wanting to sleep and just dream away rather than be awake and do the things I’ll do the same tomorrow.
Oh if some of you are wondering… No this is not the effect of the present pandemic. I’ve been this since… I don’t know to be honest…
Over the years I’ve became more cynical and manipulative of those around me. If anyone ever does something that annoys me I’ll do everything in my power to make that person miserable. I make them miserable without them knowing that it’s me whose making them feel like that.
You could say that I’m afraid of confrontation which you’re probably right. Nevertheless, I’ll still put up my facade of being this good child and friendly person and on the inside a violent and chaotic one.July 9, 2021 at 7:30 pm #382706
If you would like to share more, I would like to read. I wonder approximately how old you are, I wonder about the basic circumstances of your life (living with parents/ family or alone, working or not, etc.)
“Over the years I’ve became more cynical and manipulative of those around me. If anyone ever does something that annoys me I’ll do everything in my power to make that person miserable. I make them miserable without them knowing that it’s me whose making them feel like that.. I’ll still put up my facade of being this good child and friendly person and on the inside a violent and chaotic one.”-
– I wonder what you mean by manipulating others: whom, how.. what do you do to make others miserable (?) I wonder what motivates you to make others miserable.. does it give you a feeling of power, revenge? I would like to read more about your “violent and chaotic” inside part, and for whom you put on the “facade of being this good child and friendly person”(?)