My potential sister in law is somewhat the same as this. But she is very quiet about how she continuously makes my life difficult. My boyfriend’s mother and father have invited my family around at the weekend to spend some time at their house in Essex and given the opportunity, we took up the offer due to the fact that i live in the West Midlands.
I only found out that my boyfriend’s sister was not going to be present at the FIRST family get together because she wants to revise for an exam she has in 2 weeks.
I was angry and upset that she wasn’t making the effort with me or my family and that she had used a lame excuse to get out of this family get together.

After a while though, i realised that only getting myself down about it is only going to hurt me even more inside. I knew that i had made many efforts with her in the past and none of them had been acknowledged by her or her parents but i decided that i wasn’t going to be sad about it anymore.

My advise to Saoirse, is to just hold your head up high and carry on being happy with every intention and thought of happiness in your body.

My 3 tips to follow are:
1.) Speak when you are spoken to.
– the best thing to do is just be quiet and listen to your surroundings. Embrace the world you are in and look at all the natural things that bring you make down to earth again. When someone asks you a question, answer it and then resume with looking around. Simple.

2.) Don’t get angry.
– As the timeless Disney (and very annoying) song goes, ‘Let it go!’ If you hold it with you for days and nights, you’re only hurting yourself. Don’t let negativity like that get the better of you. You are in charge of you and you can control your thoughts to be positive, happy and free.

3.) Read books and talk about your emotions on a regular basis.
– This one is a bit far-fetched but if you talk about your problems with a close friend or boyfriend you will feel like you can finally be at peace once its out. The most important part after you do this is DON’T GET YOUR ANGER GET THE BETTER OF YOU. Consider this to be the last thing you do before closing the case and not mentioning it again.
Books are a really good way to get into the spiritual side of feeling better about yourself. My most recent read was a book by one of my favourite people in the world – Thich Nhat Hanh. (He is really good at making you feel better about yourself and not getting angry about insignificant others that try to get you down!)

Practice self-control. Be witty but not rude and don’t let it get you down.

Hey!

You’re very welcome! I’m so glad that her parents can see that you have done nothing wrong. It’s not quite like that with my situation – My boyfriend’s parents come down like a tonne of bricks on him but let his sister get away with a lot of things.
Its really refreshing to hear that they are on your side! (I hope one day his parents will be on my side too!)

I have steered my boyfriend over to a more spiritual way of thinking recently, after reading Thich Nhat Hanh books and being the amazing person he is, he has fully embraced my Buddhist family background and hopped on the bandwagon.

I have to see my future sister-in-law pretty much every fortnight, but i have stopped texting her to ask how she is now, as i used to do it frequently and get one word answers. I have taken the opportunity to go to a hen-do of our future cousin AND share a room with her mom AND her! BIG STEPS!
I know its going to be difficult and i’m very sure she doesn’t like being around me, but I have made the effort to be around her, so i will just be myself, but try to remember the things i have read in books to help me get through the hen-do weekend.

I am worried too, that i have to see her; watch her pull funny faces at my jokes, roll her eyes, and not even look at me when i’m trying to talk to her. But i’ve accepted that she is her own person and if thats the way she is, then so be it. Like you said, worrying isn’t going to help the situation or you.

Will definitely give you an update on the hen-do weekend scheduled at the end of next month. And on any mindful thinking that helped me get through it 🙂

Hey Saoirse!

I just wanted to message back to ask how things have been with your sister-in-law and boyfriend since we last spoke?
Any news or contact with her?

And what has happened following the meeting she and your boyfriend had, after she admitted her insecurities?

Mostly, i am hoping you are alright and that your techniques and strategies to deal with this conflict, are getting stronger.
I really hope you are finding a way to feel peace inside 🙂

x

hey! In a way, I’m glad she hasn’t reached out to you after the heated discussion. She seems like a very insecure person; belittling her own brother and even being as shallow as pointing out how he looks. And because she couldn’t give her brother a reason as to why she didn’t like you, I genuinely think she’s just nit-picking at immature things, which is really sad.

I’m glad your boyfriend went to talk to his dad (your father-in-law), because i often do this too with my mother. I’m always telling her about how much my sister-in-law is emotionally hurting me. And the best part is, that your father-in-law and my mother both have said the same thing – Stop asking, stop trying to change the way she is and concentrate on the relationship you have with your other half. My mother always says; “You are marrying your boyfriend, not his parents or siblings.” And that is what i always remind myself when times get hard.

In the past 3 months, I have lost 2 of my Uncles on both my mother’s and father’s side of my family so things here have been horrible for all of us. My mother and father-in-law, phoned my parents to offer their condolences and my boyfriend came to visit the family almost immediately after he heard the news.
I text my sister-in-law about 2 days ago, asking how she was, how her holiday was with her partner (and he had fallen ill with food poisoning), so i asked if he was feeling better. At first, she read my messages, but didn’t reply. Then the next day, she text me back saying she had forgotten to text me – which i was fine with.
She asked how i was, to which i said things were getting better around here but its very difficult. At this point, she went quiet.
Then she said, “Oh my brother’s only just told me about your Uncle. Sorry about that.” I changed the subject very quickly but i was angry.
I was so angry that my boyfriend didn’t tell her and nobody in his family (cousins, aunties, uncles) offered their condolences at the time. Not even my sister-in-law.
My sister who is recently and happily married told her in-laws and all her husband’s family, and they were at my house almost everyday after we got the bad news.

I finally understand, that some people, you will never be able to change, and accepting them for who they are is hard… but you have to do it. After acceptance, you can finally start to live life in peace.
I’m happy that you have chosen this route too and that things are looking up for you and your boyfriend.
I’m happy too. Difficult times only make a person stronger!

Btw, how do you pronounce your name? (There was an Irish girl at school, who had the same name as you but i never spoke to her because i couldn’t say her name!)
xo

Dear Saorise:
Your original account of how you made a joke about the mall being unsafe and your sister in law claiming angrily that you offended her and her family and did it intentionally and proceeded with attacking you… I am very familiar with this kind of behavior. My own mother often took something innocent I said (or did not say… but should have said, according to her), did (or did not do but should have done..)… even an expression on my face and claimed that I was hurting her and that I intended to hurt her. Trying to defend myself against her UNTRUE accusations did nothing. She only increased her attack of me. She felt justified in attacking me, claiming I was making her hit me, that she was only REACTING to my alleged attack on her. It was a horrible way of “growing in” as I call it and had a hugely detrimental effect on five decades of my life. It is only in the last few years, beginning with my first effective experience at psychotheraly that I started to heal. It was a horrible experience to be attacked over anything at all, attacks i was not able to prevent or to stop. These people, these bullies- I finally cut contact with my mother- oh, did i mention, cutting all contact with her was necessary for my healing which is still in progress. Some people are poison. Their MO is to ATTACK any which way. How do you “get along” with an attacker who NEEDS to hurt you? You get away. I hope your sister in law doesn’t have children or that she doesn’t attack them, take an exception with them. If you have comments on my story, Saoirse, or any of the commentators here, please do comment.
Take Care:
anita