I am writing this so that I don’t write a long pleading email to my partner outlining all the reasons we should be together. To begin to explain the complex relationship would be too long & probably full of cliche’s.
What I have realised is that as 44 I am faced with exhaustion. I feel like something has conspired to stop me in my tracks. This place is so filled wit pain, torment, guilt, shame, fear and loss that at certain moments it is all consuming. At other moments this place I am in offers me a clarity that is quite beautiful.
I am sitting with the pain of loss and perhaps other losses in my past. The man I share my life with became my life. This is what I do. I hand myself over and they become my all. This is not like me in any other area of my life but when it comes to relationships, I do. My deep fear of abandoment led me to have a pretty wild younger life. Living to the full and moving on when I got scared. This relationship made me want to stop and settle. I knew I would be in for a rough ride. He stood by me and we became more and more entwined. What I did not notice is, as time went by I attached more and more to him. Not so needy in actions but at a deep deep level. He loved this and in return stated things that made me feel that we were the absolute connection. That nothing would or could compare. As time went on I gave up my social life, worked and lived apart in the week but I lived for the weekends. It was all so subtle. I began to become anxious, for what reason I was not sure. I tried to hide it and the more I did it became worse. It was evident & he supported me. I now see more clearly that he got some kind of reward out of this place I found myself; the normally feisty one. At work I maintained this character but at home and when I was with him I became more and more anxious. I began to think I was loosing it and told him so. He often told me that he did not understand my anxiety when I was the most loved girl in the world,,,,etc. But he assured me that he loved me and would always be there. So I continued to race it out. A while ago I decided to take action for myself. Dust myself down & begin to regain some of me. Start yoga classes again and join an art class. I would contact friends more and create a more balanced life. I began to question myself. Why would I give up everything and place all of myself at the feet of another whilst hoping upon hope they would not reject me. It was almost laughable and I felt ashamed of myself. But I would make the changes and that would be a great thing and it would also take some pressure of him, surely.
One Friday eve, a few weeks ago I was getting ready for him to come over. I was so excited to share with him my news re the classes etc. I felt stronger in myself and not anxious. I also recalled how he had been encouraging me to do things for myself too. So I told him about the art class and instead of being instantly happy he sat for a moment, only a moment but in that space I felt a wave of anxiety rush up my body. Purely physical. He said that is was great but began to question me about it in a way that made me feel uncomfortable & I found myself making excuses and saying I’d give it a go but maybe it wasn’t for me after all. He did nothing to reasure me that it was indeed a positive thing to do. I left it. That night as I lay awake I wondered why I did that. Why did I feel so anxious about pleasing him and why I did not have the confidence to stand up for what I wanted for me. Surely if he loved me he would want me to go ahead and do things that would nourish my soul and help me move away from being totally at his mercy. No. the stark truth was that although he hated my anxiety and would often remind me of how hard I was to love because of it and how my issues were stopping us from doing what we wished for (living together etc). yet the very moment I stood tall and presented him with my desire to do something for me, he made me feel as if I couldn’t do it. All in a very subtle way so that I even questioned my interpretation of the situation. Looking back this is how it was with us. The next morning, I woke feeling angry. I was not sure why. I stomped around a little and he was angry at my mood. He told me I was unstable and that he had done all that was in his power to help me but that he was going. I panicked and asked if he was leaving me and he told me he would contact me later on. He did and he told me that I was the love of his life but he could not put up with me. I was broken and confused and angry at him and at myself. I feel that is he had his way he would have liked me to stay by his side loving him as I did. Not having a life outside of him but when my anxities reared themselves he found this impossible to deal with and when I did make moves to create positive things for myself he clearly felt so threatened that I dared not do them in fear of loosing him. And so I am left now tormented by it all and feeling ashamed and guilty for not being good enough to keep him (the role I took) , seeking his approval still and feeling lost. I gave up my friends and hobbies and I have to start again. I have joined an art group and a yoga group and I am seeing a couple of friends but I have also lost a couple along the way. I am sitting with the pain and at a level I am at peace with that. I was told he was a narsassist by his daughter and two other people. I hate labels and I don’t seek to blame. I think at some level he did take control and use that power and I got lost in the mix, desperately trying to be perfect. He raised me up so high with affirmations of the deepest love and adoration (extreme) and then when I fell a little his subtle dissaproval was crushing and feeding my anxities of loosing him. He knew this.
It helps to write it down and not seek him out. His responses are filled with love and continued rejection. The end of the last email read….I fuc…ing love you and there will never be anyone like you but tell me how can I be with you.
i am pretty self-reflective and I know I have things to work on and that does not scare me. Apart from my fear or rejection and the anxiety I developed when I was with him I truly believe I am a loving, funny, loyal and great person. So I sit with the pain now and continue to fill my life with positiveness. X