Smear Campaign: How should I cope?

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This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Mary899.

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August 5, 2017 at 8:28 am #162244

Mary899
Participant

Hello, and thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

A couple of months ago, I decided I no longer wanted to stay in a toxic friendship with two classmates. I reminded them of overstepping their boundaries, (they were interfering in my private life, telling me what I should or shouldn’t do with regards to my relationships) and initially they seemed to accept accountability. However, I already knew that things are not going to end as easily as that. Soon they started to take the upper hand, accusing me of “judging” them, and started pointing out my own flaws, calling me a liar and a hypocrite. I, as the type of person who hates fights, accepted the blame just to keep things cool. However, I could already sense that, considering the previous experiences into consideration, that something was deeply wrong, and I decided to distance myself from them. The days after I was faced with a series of mixed signals. One day they would apologize, the other day they asked me to apologize for an exaggerated version of a wrongdoing which belonged to a distant past, which I did, but apparently wasn’t enough. They started accusing me of things which I didn’t even dream of, and me defending myself was of no use.

It took me some time to realize in fact I’ve been abused by narcissist, and now I’m doing my best to heal. I wonder how long it will take for me to regain the ability to enjoy life the way I used to. There is one thought that tortures me the most, however. They started a smear campaign, using the things that I confined in them to get revenge. Among them was my resentment towards a classmate who kept ridiculing and judging me in order to gain the narcissist’s approval. The narcissist kept saying things like: “Wow, she’s really mean to you.” “Are you irritated by her?” “Funny thing is, we made friends with her because of you and now she treats you like this.” And when I finally slipped and confessed that I was, she took note of everything that I said and later used it to turn her against me. I contacted the mentioned classmate, again trying to defend myself. She didn’t reply. The narcissist also used the same strategy to turn a couple of other people against me as well.

Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what exactly has been told to those people. I DID say things and I feel guilty and responsible for them, but I am sure the narcissist has spiced them up, never mentioning her own role in provoking me into it. How should I deal with those who’ve been turned against me, especially when they’ve made it obvious that they’re not interested in hearing me out? Should I discard them? Should I apologize? How can I let go of the guilt of falling into the narcissist’s trap and taking part in gossiping? How can I look into their faces without thinking what they’ve been told about me, especially when they all used to hold me in respect before the smear campaign?

Thank you.

August 6, 2017 at 5:41 am #162476

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary899:

You asked, in regard to people who used to hold you in respect before they were turned against you via a “smear campaign”:

“Should I discard them?”- that would be impossible if they are your classmates and you have to be in their presence as a student.

“Should I apologize?”- not if you are not aware of you doing something wrong to them.

“How can I let go of the guilt of falling into the narcissist’s trap and taking part in gossiping?”- promise yourself to no longer gossip in the future and keep your promise.

“How can I look into their faces without thinking what they’ve been told about me…?”- tell them the truth, as it is. Just the facts.

anita

August 6, 2017 at 8:14 am #162490
PearceHawk
Participant
Hi Mary,

A lot of people will find is easy to label an individual a narcissist based on their behavior. People may justify that claim by saying such things as, “Oh she/he/s so stuck on himself,”or ,”it’s all about him/her. You may even hear some exaggerated claims which are far from the truth. The truth about narcissist’s is they don’t really know who they are, they mostly identify with the image that they see themselves as. Regardless I don’t challenge your assessment of this person. There is a book I invite you,and everyone else, to read. It is called Malignant Self -Love Narcissism Revisited. It was written by a self proclaimed narcissist who goes by the name Sam Vaknin. This book was recommended to me by a Forensic Psychologist after I had spoke with her about the very issue you are going through. As I read this book I felt shivers up and down my spine. I recall thinking, “My god I’m surrounded by narcissist’s.” In fact there was a time when I was working and I thought to myself that there are so many people with this trait that I’m in Narcissist University. The book was/is quite valuable to me. If cost is an issue I would be more than happy to buy it for you. (hawkman98@msn.com if you would like a copy sent to you) Narcissists, in my mind, and many others as well, are THE most dangerous people to infiltrate your life. There are many criteria of which a diagnosis of a narcissistic personality is use, BUT, not all characteristics have to be present in order to be labelled a narcissist.

My strong advice is to gravitate towards those who appear to have a more balanced lifestyle. For me, I was forced to go solo, sans friends for a while in order to recoup. It paid off in was I never knew would happen. Stay away from this person and this person’s friends. You will be played, set up, and knocked down again and again by them.

HUGS 🙂

Pearce
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by PearceHawk.
August 6, 2017 at 9:46 am #162518

Inky
Participant

Hi Mary899,

A good way to diffuse this is to go to each classmate individually, one a day, pull them aside and say: “Just so you know, Narcissist and her gang apparently have made up little stories about me. If they say anything to you about what I supposedly said, it is probably not true. Just give me a heads up if that happens, OK? I want this to quietly go away, so please don’t tell them we spoke. Thank you so much!”

Then keep your distance, as much as possible. Surround yourself with your own posse, so they can’t catch you alone.

Don’t worry, most people have or will figure out about their true colors.

And believe it or not, they will eventually move on to their next victim, and you will be free.

Good Luck,

Inky

August 6, 2017 at 10:53 pm #162604

Mary899
Participant

Hi anita,

Thank you for your reply. Unfortunately they have made it obvious that they’re not interested in hearing what I have to say. I tried reaching out to them willing to talk things out, only to be rejected by them.

August 7, 2017 at 12:02 am #162608

Mary899
Participant

Hi Pearce,

Thank you for taking the time to write such a comprehensive reply.☺

I agree that the term “Narcissist” may be used rather carelessly. For a long period of time I had thoughts such as “Maybe it’s just me,”,”Maybe I’m exaggerating stuff”, “Maybe I’m just being too sensitive”, however, after reading dozens of articles on narcissism, I could finally persuade myself that it wasn’t all about me.

Thank you for the recommendation of the book! I have the PDF available, and I’m surely gonna read it.

So you have gone through the same thing in university? It must have been very difficult…losing all your “friends” at once. How could you stay focused on your studies? Didn’t they try to seek “revenge” after you decided you wanted to stay away at all costs?

It is very true that hoping for a narcissist to change their behavior is totally a waste of energy. It’s been a while that this game has been going on, and the only reason that I had been staying in it for too long was that I was afraid of what the narcissist may do if I stand up to them and leave the game. I’m hoping for the day that I deeply don’t care about what they say or do in order to “punish” me.

Thank you again!

Mary

August 7, 2017 at 12:23 am #162612

Mary899
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thank you so much for your advice.

Oh well. I DID try what you said. Some made it obvious the yes were not interested in talking to me, and the one who did listen confronted them (Although I asked them not to) which resulted in the narcissist’s pouring in all sorts of insults, accusing me of “playing the victim”.

Truth is the narc is somehow the leader of the class and has twisted nearly everyone around their little finger, so I’m pretty much alone. Besides, those who knew them for who they are prefer to stay away and do as they wish in the fear that they may be their next victim.

It’s gonna be a tough year…but I need to cope. Mostly I don’t want this to affect my studies, so I have to learn to let go more easily.

Again, thank you for your supporting words

August 7, 2017 at 9:12 am #162680

PearceHawk
Participant

Hi Mary,

Please forgive my abbreviated answer as I am about t go on a 3-4 week back pack trip. It’s going to recalibrate me emotionally. Can’t wait.

To answer your question, I never sprung the trap that narcissist’s do in college. I recognized them long before I went to university. It started in grade school, probably 4th grade. It started with the usual bully on campus. So in my opinion, narcissists start out as the school bully. It gives them the attention they need. If they don’t get it from their victim, they tend to increase the effect of bullying. If they don’t get the response they crave in the form of strong opposition, they move on to the next victim. I hadn’t had many friends either, and still don’t, by design. I choose to have extremely few quality friends than to have several friends who mostly are acquaintances. My feeling is for me to be that way greatly reduces myself from getting hurt. In grade school, I had been well on the way to being a student of martialists, although I never did advertise this, and still don’t. There is no need to. By the time I got into high school and college, I was very strong in a couple of styles and Aikido as well. The only way my skills became known is I had to defend myself from some kid who felt a need to shove me out of the line at the bookstore-twice. After the 3rd response what I knew for some reason spread like wild fire. So I was never really bothered by bullies. As far as dealing with narcissist’s goes, I took every opportunity I could to learn about them, to recognize their behavior before it was too late, and how to deal with them. To avoid a very long story about my main source of information on narcissists was I took courses at a place called B.A.T.I., Behavioral Analysis Training Institute. It was difficult at first to isolate that personality because of so many variables that describe them. As time went on it became much easier to identify them. I don’t know what it is about me, maybe my experiences in the Middle East or whatever, but many have told me that I have “this look” about me that I give someone when I feel even slightly threatened or about to be taken advantage of. I have never seen “the look.” 🙂 I don’t feel my facial expressions change, maybe they do. Anyway, recognizing the components that make up a narcissist is key in learning how to recognize them and deal with them. Remember this, they can be patient people as they use this to see how vulnerable you are. Anyway, learn about them every chance you get. I will say this again and again until my time on Earth is up, narcissistic people are very dangerous people to have anywhere near you. When I recognize one, usually at work, I don’t play the passive sheep lost from it’s herd. A narcissist will se this immediately and feed off it.

Learn about this, be very strong and aware, not paranoid but aware. I think that in losing friends because of this will provide you with what I necessary to develop new one’s, those o quality and character.

Pearce

August 8, 2017 at 3:29 am #162788

Mary899
Participant

Hi Pearce,

Wishing you a great trip, and thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience.

I came to learn about narcissism only after I had already taken the bait. As you said they are extremely patient people. When I finally decided I no longer wanted to be a part of the game, I was taken aback by how relentless they were in their pursuit of destroying me. It was as if they had recorded every single word that I had uttered, and they threatened me that they’re gonna use this information to ruin my reputation. However, I decided that I’d rather have my good reputation “ruined” in the eye of a couple of classmates than to continue living under the narcissist’s control and staying in a toxic friendship. Curtently we’re on our summer vacation, and although I still haven’t completely overcome the fear of what they might do next to hurt me, and how I’m supposed to deal with those who used to be friends and now have been turned against me, I’m trying my best to be as brave as I can, and mostly to forgive myself to have put my trust in the wrong place.

August 8, 2017 at 8:02 am #162826

PearceHawk
Participant

Hi Mary,

I stopped by a library near the Shasta-Trinity national forest in Northern Cal to see how you are. If you saw this place your soul would be soothed in such a way to make you forget about immature children playing games. Be strong. Be happy. Know you are loved.

I should be back 30 August so I’ll check on you then.

Pearce

August 8, 2017 at 9:33 pm #162966

Mary899
Participant

Hi Peace,

I googled the pictures of the forest that you mentioned, and it is such a beautiful place indeed! Again, I wish you a marvelous trip.

You are right, the only way to overcome irrational fears and worries is through spirituality and getting in deeper touch with nature.

Thank you for your supporting words. I wish there comes a day that I no longer care about what anybody else thinks of me, to be perfectly OK with the fact that I am not perfect, and to live my life as fearlessly as possible.

Have a great time.

Mary
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