June 26, 2014 at 10:15 am #59637ladybirdParticipant
It’s been going on for more than a year – I’m just really jealous of my one friend (we’re both female) and can’t stop comparing myself to her. Whenever something good happens in her life, I find it difficult to be geniuinely happy for her (of course I don’t express that), I just start feeling inferior myself. At the same time, I’ve never experienced something like this with any other friend.
I feel horrible because of this issue. We are really close, she probably knows me better than anyone else and vice versa. We have some awesome memories together and have been really supporting towards each other. But why do I feel the way I do? Of course it’s not always like that but I feel that it’s not okay to have these kinds of feelings. I’ve read many articles on comparison and feeling not good enough but I can’t really relate because my problem is related to this one specific person instead of a group on friends/society in general.
She is really beautiful and smart and funny and fun to be around BUT so are my other friends. So I don’t understand why is it only her that evokes these feelings. She has never done anything bad to be! We used to live in the same city and be in touch a lot but then she moved. I was hoping that I’ll get over this whole comparison-issue and won’t focus on it on a daily basis but now it all continues via social media!
Sometimes I feel that we are very similar. Our interests, even our appearance. And maybe that’s why the competitive aspect comes in? We chose a really similar path after high school and maybe now whenever she succeeds I feel bad about myself because we had a similar starting point and I could theoretically be capable of same things… but I’m not/It makes me feel insecure regarding my own choices.
Has anyone ever felt the same? How can I possibly overcome it? Our friendship is so important to me and I don’t want to poison it by having these irrational feelings. If you could see us together, you would never think I could have something like this going on in my head. I just don’t know what to do.June 27, 2014 at 1:23 am #59701sweetglowParticipant
I know exactly where you’re coming from and it’s a horrible feeling because you feel so guilty for not being able to be truly happy for your friend’s successes in whatever form. When I’ve felt this way about a friend in the past my fear came down to two main things:
– that the friend would notice that they had become ‘better’ than me and would start behaving as if they were ‘better’ than me, which would lead to a rejection of sorts and more emotional pain which would confirm my inferiority.
– that others (this was even worse for me) would notice this superiority and start acting on it.
I knew that if my friend or others were to act as if there were some kind of hierarchy of a person’s worth in terms of their attributes (appearance, cleverness, social behaviour etc) then that would be extremely shallow and something that I did not want in my life, but thought that perhaps that’s just the ‘harsh truth’ and the way life inevitably ‘is’. We cannot help judging others, after all. It is part of being human.
However, it does not have to be like this. Remove yourself from these social-media generated, black-and-white hierarchies and see the bigger picture. You are enough as you are. Jealousy is a horrible burden and will only hurt you, it will never motivate you to become ‘better’, at least not for long. When you can be completely and genuinely happy for your friend’s successes (and everyone else’s) then things will fall into place and you will feel peace. It’s not easy and your feelings are natural; it is a good thing you have recognised the damage they are doing. Facebook and other social media makes these feelings 1000000 X worse but what you see on a screen is so rarely a true depiction of real life. Just as you say that nobody would be able to see the jealousy you carry inside, your friend is likely doing the same thing in some way and has her own set of emotional issues that she is grappling with.
Be honest with yourself and embrace how you feel, jealousy and all. Don’t try to talk yourself out of it or rationalise it or mentally punish yourself for feeling this way. Just accept the feelings and then try to find the place beyond success and failure and winning and losing. Remember you (and her) are enough just as you are and nothing will change that.June 27, 2014 at 9:57 am #59723NatashaParticipant
I have experienced this as well. It was yet another obsession of sorts. I hated to call my ‘stuff’ obsessive, because that sounded so harsh – but truly, my thoughts were stuck – my mind/body/soul responded accordingly with ‘unwell’ feelings and it felt something like shrinking inside – for lack of language to truly describe it.
I worked on some stuff spiritually that led me toward choosing better thoughts and actions. I started by being aware of my thoughts (similar to the ones you’re having, and similar to the way you’re becoming aware) and then did what you are doing. I got them out. I looked them over closely. I confirmed with out a doubt that I was troubled and stuck and needed help. I asked for it.
This was a major thing in itself for me! So yay me! And yay you!
Help came. For me, what worked was to recognize the thoughts without judgement. A simple spiritual tool across the map. Thoughts come at us all the time. What we do with them is important. If I follow the thought trail, but then spiral out a ton of shame and blame onto myself – I steal from my own better thinking that could take place. So the first thing to do was see the thought as just that, and not go down any unnecessary complexities in my head. When I freed up time to then exchange better thoughts in place of the normal shame time – I would insert some thoughts that were healthy for me. I would call myself ‘admiring’ instead of ‘jealous’. I would wish the person well in my mind, and say a little prayer for their peace (prayer to the universe, we can call this sending good vibes or well wishes if that suits you – I am not actually religious an don’t claim any particular delusion, allusion or religion).
When I did these things that allowed me to feel more like the true loving me – I could skip off to a happier destiny. It seems, that better thought actions, making a conscious effort at my own self talk, and reconstructing my words to be more peaceful in my thought trails – and then letting it all go in saying “The Universe has us all where it needs us – including me” brought me relief from my unhealthy thinking.
I hope this for you too. Best wishes,
TashaJune 27, 2014 at 12:58 pm #59747JadeParticipant
I once read that jealousy happens when we’re forced to look in a mirror at ourselves. I’m actually also in the middle of some “she’s just like me, but better” feelings that I’m working through and trying to process. This kind of jealousy comes from inadequacy, because it’s like the other person’s achievements and strengths shines a light on the parts of us we are most insecure about.
For me, the best course of action is allowing myself to have these emotions, but not letting them control my behaviour. I feel the jealousy, accept the emotion, then let it go and move forward with conscious kind thoughts and actions.
Best of luck!June 27, 2014 at 1:07 pm #59752amyParticipant
I myself am experiencing this right now. I have a nice friend who has supported me through my thick and thin but she’s always better than me at whtever we do expect for appearance. I feel quite bad at times. Somehow i ve changed my way of looking at things in order to gain some mind peace. I have absolutely stopped comparing myself to anyone and that’s how i got past this feeling. I hv stopped bothering about what people think cause well lets face it.. People are extremely judgemental these days. So its better to focus on yourself cause Sweety you’re amazing and don’t have to feel inferior at all. 🙂June 27, 2014 at 9:00 pm #59792Alicia JeffersonParticipant
Hi there! I once had a friend like you that I ended up cutting out of my life. I’m much happier without her but occasionally I find myself missing her because we were friends for a long time. However, she was extremely manipulative and mean to me throughout the years, and the more successful I became, the worse she treated me. When we first became friend as, I was rougher, and needed friends to soften me, but as the years went on she became a worse person. Judgmental, rude, crass, did I say manipulative? Anyhow, it took another pair of eyes for me to see that besides her being an awful and toxic person, she was very jealous of me. I had a stable job, a great boyfriend, and I was moving on in life. In our earlier friendship she was used to being the more conventionally attractive one, but I grew and blossomed and the attractiveness gravitated towards me. Regardless of everything going on, I continued the friendship out of blind loyalty and unnecessary obligation. It got to a point, where I had an emergency hospital visit before I moved in with my boyfriend, and as I focused on my mental health while sharing parts of my new found happiness with her, she told me I was leaving her out of everything. Any emotional attachment I had was beginning to deplete. I feel that I maybe could have handled this if not for the person that jealousy and whatever the hell her problem was but my point is, please stop being jealous of your friend. Whatever she has going on for her, you could have and be even happier with if you try. NO ONE WANTS A JEALOUS FRIEND, THEY SUCK. So be an honest friend, be happy for her. If you aren’t, fake it until you are. It will leave you with a drama and stress free life, and you’ll be a better person for it.