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  • #39675
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    There are so many things going on in my mind. I thought I was on my way to forgiving and healing but looking within myself, I see nothing, the other day I told myself that every time I think of him, I should redirect my mind of think of me. Sadly, I saw nothing so my mind went back to …does he ever think of me. I get that no one will love me if I don’t love myself. I get it but how does one begin to learn who they are? My life has been defined by my relationships with my family and friends. My mom goes from amazingly understanding woman to unreasonable in 2 secs. She wants me to get arrange married which is a hard concept for me as I spent most of my life in Chicago and I want to fall in love before I get married not after.

    I went out with my new colleagues yesterday and there are a few attractive men in other groups. They didn’t even look at me so my mind went back to my ex and how he use to call me gorgeous all the time. I felt so beautiful in his presence. I took a cab home and cried myself to sleep. My mind keeps telling me that because I don’t know who I am and what I want… I’ll be alone for the rest of life. I should just beg my ex to come back. Or tell my mom to find a man from India and get me married. I am so sick of myself. So sick of these tears and thinking of him. I thought I forgave him and me but I didnt. I hate him for leaving me. And I hate myself for being so insecure and driving him away.

    I have recognize my patterns in relationships and how I am addicted to male attention as I don’t have a very close relationship with my dad who is more like a provider than a father. He is wonderful but he has hard set rules of what a father should be in his head and building his daughters self esteem is not one of them. I get all of it but my insecurities are so deeply rooted that I don’t know how to get them out. I am so lost in this journey to find myself that I’ll take any refuge. This is what happened to me in my last journey. I was so tired and sad that I made up a guy in my head (my ex). Granted he did and said many things that made him a great rescuer but now I am back to square 1. I can’t decide if I am a submissive woman (which is how I act in a relationship) or an independent woman (which is how I am outside of a relationship). I am so confused. No wonder my ex ran for the door. I can’t stand myself..how can he?

    #39687
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    I’m sorry for the continued cycles you’ve been going through, the heart is sometimes like a rollercoaster. One of my teachers described it like extreme surfing.

    It sound like what you’re doing is closer to suppression than letting go. As you said, when you think painful thoughts, you try to redirect your mind with thinking loving thoughts. This is OK for little things, I guess, but for big emotionally charged thoughts it is not good. Its like painting over wallpaper, or putting sugar on rotten fruit… it doesn’t really solve the nature of the difficulty, it just tries to cover it.

    Instead what we can do is look at the impermanent nature of our emotions and thoughts. For instance, you noticed guys weren’t looking at you, and your mind decided that you weren’t pretty enough for them. Then your body felt an emotion of lonesomeness, which your ex used to get rid of for you. So instead of noticing the lonesomeness, and saying “yep this is lonesomeness and will settle shortly” your mind started cycling in all the old ways it used to dissipate. Down the rabbit hole you tumbled until you lost all your good feelings and landed in a puddle of self-pity and self-loathing.

    Which makes you feel like you’re at square 1, back at the bottom. This is not true… you’re on an upward spiral, because each fall brings more information, more momentum for breaking free. You really gotta stop beating yourself up for stumbling, its going to happen over and over as you heal your dependence on others to “build you back up”.

    Perhaps now instead of covering up the old with new, you can continue self-nurturing and just noticing the thoughts. One of my teachers said we don’t have to wish the clouds away, they will blow away with time. The goal is to not resist or cover the thoughts or feelings… we just notice them and get some detachment from them. “Yes, here are thoughts of ex. Here are emotions of sorrow and icky.” Breathe in breathe out. It helps me to think of a can of worms that when the top comes off and the springs uncoil and they fly everywhere, we don’t try to catch them or get mad that we popped the top or that someone gave us the can… we just let them fly and keep walking, keep breathing. The emotions settle, the mind empties, the clouds clear.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39699
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I hear you Matt. You always give me good feedback.
    I just don’t know how to let go without suppressing. There is just so much pain in those memories and missing him. I feel my whole body going numb when these thoughts come to me. This is where I start berating myself because after doing all this work, I am still stuck on him. I am aware of all the things you, john, many women on this site and my therapist say but trying to get to know myself keeps sending me back to thoughts of him. I feel like I will never forgive him or myself. I know its been a month and I should give myself time but its so painful. My brain and my body hurt. My friends are sad because there is no smile on my face. I fake being OK at work because its work but I find myself running to bathroom to cry because I miss him.
    This pain is so unbearable. My self esteem is in the dumpster.

    #39703
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    I’m so sorry it remains painful for you, sapna the sweet dreamer. If I could, I would cradle you in my arms like my baby sister and gently stroke your hair, letting you cry it out. Its unfair that you suffer so powerfully, and if you could only see the love we have… waiting for you just beyond all the pain… you and I could laugh and dance and sing again under the stars with all our other siblings.

    But it takes time. Poor sapna, rocking yourself to sleep feeling alone and unloved. My beautiful sister, locked inside your room searching for the key frantically and ceaselessly, yet unable to see it through your red and blurry eyes. I wish I could pass the key under the door, but its locked so tight! You have to cry it out, let it out. Beat the pillows, scream and yell, jump up and down… give the pain back to earth, back to momma. Don’t keep it in, let it pour back into the river… your body deserves peace.

    You are not alone. We’re all here rooting for you, hoping for you, wishing for you to let go. These memories come up, and they are bitter sweet, because you were in a moment of joy, and now you’re not. It is sad, that all romance ends through death or disinterest… but while it is alive there is such beauty that it is worth the pain. It is enough beauty that it drives us to incarnate over and over, just to have an illusion of separation thick enough that we can find each other again… rediscover each other again. He is out there waiting for you, and his spirit sings to mine. Not the placeholder, the foolish grumpy back turner you think provided you so much joy. You have to settle that addiction before you’ll be ready to accept real love. Your soulmate, who not only loves the real you, sapna the dreamer, but the one who will help you find out what romance really is, what union really is.

    Whew, I have to let go of that energy before it sweeps me away! 🙂 Consider that all addicts have triggers. If you were an alcoholic, the feeling would be similar. “But I want to drink, I miss drinking!” Yes, that’s normal and fades with time. Each day, don’t drink. Accept the cravings as cravings, and cry if you need to, or beat some pillows if you need to, but don’t drink. Take a bath, go for a walk. Keep going, it gets better with time.

    With warmth,
    Matt+

    #39705
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Matt
    I feel like you are one of the angels that was sent to look after me. Every word you have said in any one of my forums to me has been loving and inspiring.
    I should allow myself to cry it all out. This feeling of attaching my self worth to men or others has been so exhausting. Everything I know about myself has been what others think of me. I am a great daughter. A good friend. A beautiful girl..etc. I don’t know if any of those titles are true. All I know is that I haven’t ever really been with myself. I was always isolated from my family growing up so I found solace in other people even the molester. I never wanted to be left alone because it was awful as a child. Even now. I know that what I had with ex was not true. It couldn’t be because he gave up and left but somehow my heart finds solace in his memory. I try to go back to the way I felt with him on my side.
    I embarrassed myself last night by trying to flirt with the cute guys from my company. I felt so low when I came home because everyone can see the desperation in my eyes. I was again craving male attention and trying to allure them with my body. I give myself to men in hopes of keeping them. Even my ex. I was sexually submissive to him in hopes of keeping him around. I have to grow up. I have to learn my self worth. I have to understand what real love means. I have to find out what it looks like when someone actually loves you for you and not just say those words. See again even as I type this…I am berating myself. Rehashing my old ways and just feeling awful about it.

    On a good note….
    I am so grateful to have found a family on this site. My true brothers and sisters who really are rooting for me. With all of your good wishes and love I hope to beat this addiction and smile once again. I hope to find that key to unlock my door for myself. To find love for the silly dreamer I am.

    #39730
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    I just read a low esteem forum from one my sisters on this site and realized that my self worth has always been low and this is the reason I keep getting into relationships with men who will not or cannot love me. It’s like a self fulfilling profecy. I keep trying to prove to myself that I am not worthy of love. I keep looking at my parents to give me the unconditional love that a child deserve but I am always disappointed. How can one love themselves when they dont know how to love? When they dont know what its suppose to look like? I excepted my ex to fill that void in me and for the most part he did. He also is broken like me so he could only do as much as he could. I have empathy for him and in some twisted way hope that him and I can work on these things together but I know that its not possible. He has to make the decision to take that journey himself. I can’t make him.
    Its so painful to always look for love and sabotaging it when I think I found it. I know I shouldn’t blame everything on myself but everything I have read on these forums has told me to look within. When I do that my mind goes back how I messed up in my relationships especially the last one with my love.
    Gosh what an eye opener these forums have been. I know ill be better one day to have had this experience but I feel like I have let opportunities of love pass me by for years due to this struggle. Suffering from sexual and mental abuse has left me feeling unworthy and undeserving for love. In my professional life, I think and know how I should be treated but its romantic love that breaks me and brings me to my knees. How can a person be two different people at once. John? Matt? Any insights my soul brothers.

    #39746
    E
    Participant

    Hi sap nap how r u feeling now? Hope u r taking time for yourself. I sent u an email in case you needed to talk. E

    #39749
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    One thing you could do is look back at the child sapna that was scared and feeling alone and talk to her. Give her the unconditional love from adult sapna that she was looking for.

    Remember a time when you were young and put your arms around the child and tell her that you’re sorry for her pains, her fears… how mommy and daddy didn’t know how to help her but that’s OK. She’ll find peace and love in time, and you’re there for her. Imagine holding her in your arms and give her your strength and love.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39799
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks again Matt.
    Today I tried to find the child Sapna and I couldn’t even remember how I looked like. I didn’t even remember how I felt when I was young. I know I am good at suppressing my feelings but didn’t know that something that has effected my adult life so much could actually be forgotten. My ma has stopped talking to me because of my confrontation with her yesterday. She actually said that I hurt her feelings so much that her heart hurts and she will never talk to me about anything. I just feel like shit, I didn’t mean to hurt my mother. I have apologized to her many times but she doesnt care to talk to me.
    My mind started making a parallel between her and my ex because he like her never understood what I was saying. I was raised to know that when everyone feels the same way about u…it you who is the problem. I am so lost. I want to nurture the child in me but all i feel like doing is yelling at her for being so confusing and not being able to communicate to these people who once claimed to love me…what I feel.
    I wish someone was here to give me a hug and to tell me that it will be OK.

    #39806
    Matt
    Participant

    Sapna,

    I know how much you’d like it if someone would lift this fog for you, but it really has to come from within… it seems like you’re being kicked every time you seek outward for love right now. You seem to have an understanding of the tools but you have to say enough is enough and surrender your past, then you can build the raft. Stop yelling at yourself, you’ve done that long enough! We all go through something similar before we awaken. You think your pain belongs to you, is something special… but it happens to us all. I believe in you… you just have to keep walking.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #39808
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks Matt.
    I wrote in my dairy yesterday right after I wrote on the forum. The exact words I wrote were “he told me he loved me and left just like everyone else..friends…family”. I don’t know what happened when I cried myself to sleep yesterday but I didn’t see him in my dreams which hasn’t happened in a few weeks. I did tell myself before I went to bed that “I’ll never leave you”.

    I know I have a lot of work to do but I’ll take the very very small victories. For the first time, I don’t feel like over compensating for my “shortcomings” to my parents. I’ll just let them be. I can’t change them but they can’t change me either. They have done it for 30 Years. Addiction to men is something I need to deal with now.

    I know I’ll stumble many times in this struggle but I also know that there are people (all of you) in this world willing and able to show you the path to self discovery..self love and self acceptance.

    Namaste

    #39818
    John
    Participant

    Thanks for sharing Sapna. I find it inspiring to read statements like, “I’ll just let them be.”

    The loneliness and pain that you experience as a result of this breakup could be one of the most liberating, powerful, and awakening life experiences you’ll ever have. I get a sense that you’re already gaining so many more insights about yourself and the world around you.

    I wish you all the best on your journey.

    #39846
    Anne Southern
    Participant

    Hi Sapna.
    Your story touched my heart. Some of the things you wrote were my story. I’m now 52 years old, Have jumped from 1 addictive relationship to another.
    I’ve always seen my self worth through the eyes of others.
    As a child my parents didn’t care for me or my 5 sisters, we never received any love or affection. I’ve realized now their parents never showed them love either.
    Over the years I’ve craved attention from all the wrong people. Friends have come and gone. The farther of my 2 children walked out when my son was 5 years old
    and was never seen again. Boyfriends have left me. every time these events have happened I’ve cried my heart out, till I can barely stand the pain.
    I was eventually given the advise Matt has given you.Go back and love your inner child.It doe;s take time to connect with your young self, It took me weeks
    to actually feel I had my younger self in my heart, and was able to hug her and promise I’d always love her.

    I’m now 2 years into my own journey. It hasn’t always been easy. I’m much kinder to myself. I no longer need people for myself validation.
    I wish you all the best and hope you gain peace love and happiness

    #39874
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thanks john,
    It is very painful but I am have to remember how strong I am. I just have to keep reminding myself. The addiction to male attention is more powerful than I ever imagined it will be. More I “soul search” the more I imagine how things would’ve been with my ex if I only knew all of these things but I have to keep coming back to the present which is the only truth. Its so hard. I’ll keep listening to the song Matt sent to me by Christina Aguilara 🙂
    Anne
    Thank you for being so kind. I know that I am not alone when it comes to being ignored by their parents. Mine thought of me as a “crutch” when I was born. They thought here comes the child that will help us in our old age. I love them and will do anything for them gladly but they make me help them. They except it. They say that when I get married, they’ll stop excepting things from me. One of the biggest reasons I stay with men is to put me out of my misery from them.
    Besides all of these things, I am so proud of myself for never hurting anyone. Never treating a human the way I won’t ever want to be treated. Because of this kind of upbringing, I am a very empathetic person. I am sure you are just like me and a great mother. Your kids are very lucky.

    Thank you again for your kind words.

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