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SO much LOVE, TOO much destroyed, What is left?

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  • #90002
    Starfish
    Participant

    Okay, I am taking a step. Here is a gist of my story. I am blessed and very grateful for my two beautiful and amazing young adults, my children! I worked very hard to raise them and teach them life values, kindness, wisdom, ethics, love and anything that came our way! I feel very proud of my efforts as they have shown and I’ve often been complemented by others in very touching ways telling me that I’ve done an amazing job raising them. I live to see them thrive every day as they start their own adulthood. We are very close and good friends, the three of us. It’s a beautiful union we share that I cherish daily.

    I’m not sure how to talk about myself but I am love. I love deeply and I feel deeply, very sensitive, very empathetic all my life. This has been a blessing and a curse. I fell in love very young and therefore unknowingly committed to an abusive person for almost two decades of my life. My two wonderful children came from this destructive marriage. I believe in situations happening for specific reasons, lessons, an individual journey we each have. None the less, the journey of that marriage was very detrimental to me and has affected my life to this day even though it is over, it has left negative residual impact. I’m generally a very cheery person, loving, kind and still am but have been left feeling cheated of so much!

    I have always worked but never had a real career due to the cycle of abuse & control, if some of you do not understand it is viscous, conniving, manipulation, isolation, confusion, etc, etc. The controlling individual keeps you from truly thriving as a person without you really realizing it because you are so busy raising your family, working, and trying to keep it all together while constantly trying to keep the “Controller” happy. You lose yourself and forget your desires because they keep you consistently confused, so you are trying to figure out what went wrong and how to fix it. They also blame you for everything that goes wrong including their own bad choices! It was a living nightmare! I always did my best to keep my children safe and they really did not know or understand what was happening because most of it was hidden from them. They witnessed their father’s outbursts at times but there was so much more they did not understand while they were little especially because their father was very involved in their lives and behaved like a caring parent to them.

    I’m trying to be thorough without taking too much time or space and it is difficult to do! But here it is: I unfortunately ended up remarrying a second time to someone who started off very supportive and healed my shattered heart. He turned out a different kind of nightmare and I recently filed for divorce and we both moved out of the apartment we shared. That was another 8 years of my life! I am currently technically “homeless” but staying with a family member. I have a decent resume with lots of work experience but no one will hire me for certain jobs because I do not have enough experience or a degree. I have often felt hopeless but manage to life my spirits on my own. I try to be positive as much as possible and work on manifesting great things for myself but I feel like it is not working for a few reasons…I don’t have a real passion for a particular job and I don’t have a degree. I love to work and feel independent I’m just not getting hired anywhere significant! I am a creative person but did not have the opportunity to truly develop any creativity and at this point in my life I feel the time quickly ticking!! I’m not in my younger years anymore!!

    I’ve prayed, meditated most of my life, thought positively but also suffered immensely and most of my life I’ve known hardship. I’ve soul searched, been open minded, sought spiritual help, received shaman healings, I’ve tried many ways to better myself and yet keep being pulled back someway, somehow.

    I just want to be an independent, thriving, woman again!

    #90004
    Starfish
    Participant

    I found this website and thought I’d give it a shot because I like the encompassment of community with positive feedback and encouragement. With that said, I appreciate all the love that comes my way!

    #90012
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Starfish:

    I very much value doing a good enough job as a parent, every parent’s- should be- primary concern, so ditto on this highest value!

    When you wrote that you want to be “an independent, thriving, woman again!”- it reads to me that you already were an “independent thriving woman”- what time are you referring to??

    anita

    #90013
    Starfish
    Participant

    I might of ended that too quickly so to shorten my writing…I don’t think I ever was-independent. Always wanted to be, always felt I had it in me, always felt like I should be, always pretended, always tried.

    #90014
    Starfish
    Participant

    I was not alone long enough to stay indepedendent after my first divorce before someone came along and picked up my broken pieces, another lesson learned. So maybe yes, I was on my own for about a year but not nearly enough time!

    #90017
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Starfish:

    You wrote that you were not alone long enough before someone came along and picked up your broken pieces.

    Can you write about those “broken pieces”?

    Obviously, the men who picked up the broken pieces did not mend them into a cohesive, independent self.

    Please do write about those broken pieces…?

    anita

    #90019
    Starfish
    Participant

    Okay, well, there seems to be too much in my history but I will try to summarize what I can. I am the youngest of six siblings. I learned of ….sorry – I have to step away for a few hours!!! Thanks so much for taking the time!!

    #90023
    anita
    Participant

    Come back to it if you’d like, Starfish.
    anita

    #90032
    who
    Participant

    Dear: Starfish
    I want to start off by saying, Thank You for posting! It takes a lot of courage to do so.

    When it comes to the whole not being independent thing, I can relate.
    All my life from a kid up to my adult hood, all I ever wanted was to be independent. Because to me it’s a source of freedom. Meaning not having to deal with certain types of people, just because you are under their roof, or on their time. People even family sometimes take advantage of you just because they know that you don’t have your stuff together. Talk down on you and etc. And it sucks because we are good people, trying to overcome obstacles in this beautiful but cruel world.

    It is nice that you are doing the best you can for your children!
    Sometimes we let our guard down when we go through a rough relationship and get right back into another one. Being blind to the obvious because we just want the need and acceptance to feel loved by someone. Believe me I know! I’ve been on both sides, meaning the victim and the jerk! and because of being such a jerk! I’ve been single for quite some time.

    I’m 37 years of age. I’m just learning now that this time I’m given to myself, is for me to self improve. Plus learn how to become independent.
    As of now I’m seeking employment. It’s a very frustrating task! and the only jobs that seem to hire, are ones built for teens, which never can pay enough in order to live. All I can say Is something that you probably don’t want to hear. Don’t give up! and keep on filling out apps. I do 3 apps a day. Try applying for overpaying jobs even if you don’t have all the experience need. Most jobs if they like you from the interview will train you anyways. (SNAG A JOB.COM) it’s one of the many websites that I go on hunting for jobs.

    You seem like a really nice person. Just be grateful that you have your children and a wonderful relationship with them. I admire that!
    Because as of now that’s something I want to have in my future with my 10 year old son. Because I don’t..

    Stay strong and eventually something amazing will happen and things will fall into place as long as you do your part.

    #90033
    Snails
    Participant

    Dear Starfish

    I am sorry that this relationship, that has ended recently was also abusive. It sounds like you endured a lot for your marriages and that perhaps you put yourself aside to help others but not yourself.

    I like your spirit Starfish, you sound very caring and this caring has produced two lovely children. It is time for you to care for yourself.

    You are doing great things…you meditate, soul search, are positive and try to better yourself. May I ask? do you feel that you have healed from any pains of your past, in you childhood? Have you spend time being curious on why you bonded so strongly that you allowed yourself to be pushed down, in these two relationships you have described here? Sometimes it might be easier to talk to a trained councilor who can help direct you in areas where you might look, if you find it tricky to find these answers. I think maybe you might need a little practice in caring about yourself too. You have a lot of love in you, share it with yourself. Know you deserve to be treated as you wish your grown children are treated in a relationship.

    You say ‘ I just want to be an independent thriving, women’. It seems to me you are stepping in the right direction. You are looking for a new job. I wish you well, you have always had a place to work, given a bit more time you’ll find a job again. It will come.

    Starfish you say ‘I don’t have a real passions for a particular job’.. this is fine, sometimes our passions aren’t always our full time jobs. But what do you enjoy ? what makes you happy and absorbs you? You mention that you are a creative person, maybe as you say you didn’t have the opportunely to develop this area, it’s time. What type of creatively do you enjoy ? I think it important to express yourself in an artistic way if that’s a part of you. Months ago I searched around and found a really nice group of people to be with while creating, not only is it fun but it’s peaceful and nurturing for the sole. It’s great to have an interest or two, Have you similar groups in the area you live? What makes you happy?

    Best wishes

    #90035
    jock
    Participant

    starfish
    your post reveals a person with warmth, sensitivity and compassion, totally undeserving of your dysfunctional partners.
    Best you try to survive without a partner? I think so for a while at least. I’m praying you find some support in all its forms, including emotional and financial. Oh and definitely your turn for a change of luck!

    #90147
    Starfish
    Participant

    Dear Who, Snails, & Jack, Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts. I truly appreciate it! Just to clear things up the second relationship was not an abusive one. I need to think a bit before I respond more in depth but I wanted to thank you all for your responses! 🙂

Viewing 12 posts - 1 through 12 (of 12 total)

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