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Social anxiety and end of semester

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  • May 5, 2019 at 8:56 pm #292503
    B
    Participant

    I’m not sure, cause I’ve never posted about my social anxiety online or talked about to many people, so I’m not sure how to go about this, even writing this now I feel on edge and a bit nervous, and well, I feel really damn pathetic for even having social anxiety. Anyways I’m in community college, and I took a class, mind you it’s a class full of other awkward people too due to the fact all of us are nerds and are in Japanese II…. (good God I’m cringing real bad)…. And it’s ending. I regret not talking because there are a few people I really wanted to befriend or try to get to know, but the fear they hate me and don’t like me kills me and psyches me out to not talk. Also that class is pretty quiet and no one really talks in general. It’s the last week and I have 2 more classes with them and the final on Friday. I talked to my therapist, and she said it’s a good idea to just try to talk finally… but I’m scared. I regret not talking cause I want to, but as a pretty nerdy girl it’s hard. Also on top of that I don’t look like the stereotype of a nerd, and have been rejected by other nerds, both guys and girls, due to the fact I’m too “girly” cause I like fashion and makeup among other things and for not being “nerdy” enough, or acting like a “nerdy girl” would.

    I don’t know who to talk to about this cause in my head I’m thinking this over and over: if you even mention about trying to socialize at the END of the semester, people are going to roll their eyes because it’s such a stupid and trivial thing to fret over, and basically not worth it. And if you even tried, people will stare at you, glare at you and laugh inside their heads at the pathetic attempt and reject you cause well, you’re you, why would they want to even think about possibly getting to know you better. It’s the end of the semester, and good that you didn’t talk, stayed quiet and didn’t even attempt to talk. Regret it all you want… nothing good would’ve come of it even if you tried…. That’s basically going through my head. Is it even worth it to try? I know people are struggling in that class, and I was gonna come in early and try to talk and suggest we form a study group before the final tomorrow, but I feel like it’s pointless and people will say no. Should I listen to my therapist and just do it?

    Also side note, one of the guy that sits behind me, well i kind of like him…. and damn that makes it 10 times worse, which also adds to the regret of not talking to him. Each time in that class I feel like I’m gonna have a panic attack. I just need opinions, suggestions, and or reassurances, whatever… i just need something to help me process this, cause I feel so anxious and pathetic about it all.

    May 6, 2019 at 12:29 am #292541
    nextsteps
    Participant

    Hello B,

    I really do understand your fears in this situation. It is hard to make the first move and harder when your brain says all these negative thoughts why you shouldnt etc. The important thing to remember is that your brain just says thoughts all the time and it soes not mean the thoughts are right. For example today I am working on building a website. Before i start this my brain comes up with lots of reasons why I shouldnt eg “I dont feel like it”, ” I am not good at IT”, “The website wont work or be a success”, “I am not creative enough” etc but once I START on the website as I will be lost in the moment of getting it done, those thoughts either a) wont matter or b) will be proved wrong. It could be a similar thing with you and your class. Once you broach the subject of a study group with a few people in your class, the feelings of pride and achievement you will feel for being the one taking the first step will be good. Something like “i was fearful of talking to these people and now look at me, right now i am doing it!”.

    This does not mean the experience of talking to them will be smooth and easy. It could be, but equally it could feel awkward, your heart pounding etc, but even if that is the case, you atill would of done a massive personal win/success by being the person to take the lead! Their response to doing a study group is neither here nor there and will not be personal in anyway.. but the fact that you did something despite your fear will stay with you as the class finishes and into life- so I would recommend you try it. I know personally I have missed opportunities for friends or aquaintences because i felt too shy to talk. It takes courage to ask about the study group but it will be worth it.

    You could prepare for asking them by preparing a line or two to say beforehand so if you get into the moment and your mind goes blank, you have that to fall back on. Maybe try speaking to 1 or 2 people you think look friendly such as those that dont look away when you make eye contact or seem to be smiling. Or with the person who seems.to be the leader in the class that could help you organise everyone for a study geoup or you could bite the bullet and turn around and speak to your guy you like. Another way could be speaking to the teacher saying you would be interested in a srudy group and could he/she make that annoucement in class to everyone, asking them to come and speak to you in the class break etc if they would be interested?

    In terms of not doing what a “nerdy girl” does, I am not sure what that means please could you explain? My only thought would be that in high school etc people are more defined by which group they belong to than actual adult life in a way eg it is not only “nerdy guys” that will be attracted to you/date you, other guys will be too. Hiding yourself and trying to conform to someone elses standard has only backfired for me in my own life.. only by being yourself do you find people who actually are a match for you friendship and romance wise.. so I would say try not to get bogged down in how a “nerdy girl” should be and just be yourself.

    Iplease let us know how you get on in class. 🙂

    May 6, 2019 at 10:38 am #292583
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    I will paraphrase your post taking out “social anxiety” and “nerd” and all that goes with these two labels:

    I’m in community college, and one of the classes that is ending soon is Japanese 2. There are a few people I really wanted to befriend and try to get to know, particularly a guy who sits behind me, but I fear they don’t like me. My therapist said it is a good idea to try to talk to them, but I am scared. And what would be the point of socializing at the end of the semester, people will think I am stupid for trying to socialize so late, it being not worth it. People will laugh at me inside their heads and think I am pathetic, and they will reject me! Why would anyone want to know me anyway. I regret not socializing earlier. Should  I socialize now, or is it too late?

    My answer: socialize now, but just a little bit, perform just one act of socializing, that is all, ask one person a question or suggest a get together with just one person, maybe the guy who sits behind you, maybe someone else.

    anita

     

     

    May 6, 2019 at 11:13 am #292593
    Mark
    Participant

    B

    For anxiety and for life in general, deep breathing works to calm the nervous system.

    Another thing you might want to try thinking they you will still be alive regardless despite whatever happens.

    You can practice with someone you feel safe with before you try it with your classmates as well.

    Good luck

    Mark

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