It’s been a long day but my thoughts have wandered to this many times. I still don’t know how to reply and I’m really tired. I am going to go with simple and hope I don’t put my foot in it.

Please don’t mistake my inability to think of a way to make contact as lack of interest. None of the ways I’ve thought of have worked out and I’m a bit stumped trying to think of a way. I need to feel safe and you need to feel safe too. So far where I feel safe doesn’t feel safe for you and vice versa.

Thank you for sharing how you’re feeling. I had noticed you weren’t communicating as much and thought you’d been busy with all the interesting things you’ve had going on. The insecure little voice in my head sneaked the thought in that it might be that I’ve done something wrong, but I chose not to listen to that voice.

I am sad, and have felt hurt and misunderstood, and never had the intention of making you feel this way.

“I need to feel safe and you need to feel safe too. So far where I feel safe doesn’t feel safe for you and vice versa“- a misunderstanding: I said no to Facebook and Instagram not because I feel unsafe to make it happen for the purpose of communicating with you privately, but because I don’t know how to make it happen.

I can help make it happen by creating instructions that will help you get there if you’re able to feel comfortable to do this. 

I feel very safe using the messenger app that’s attached to Facebook. I activated an old messenger account when we first talked about catching up outside of here. I didn’t activate the Facebook side of it as I wanted to test how it would work (from memory, when you joined FB you’d been contacted by people you moved a long way from to avoid and weren’t comfortable with this option, which is understandable. There are ways of avoiding people you don’t want messages from so you don’t have to hear from them) 

This account isn’t my every day FB account, it’s the one I used years ago as a filter when getting to know some people online. I would still take time sharing things about myself though but I don’t want to go into details about why just now. I’d share my name and sport though 😂 and you’d work my accent out very quickly. 

There are lots of reasons I feel safe using that way of contacting. I like it also because you can talk face to face on it or without a video feed like on the phone and it’s free. 

for me, to reach out for.. a loving personal contact (knowing your name, finally knowing what sport you’ve been talking about, what country you were born in, what country you reside in; hearing your voice, hearing the emotion in your voice and sharing mine, etc.), and to be ignored or rejected is a painful experience.

I am not ignoring or rejecting you. I truly am not. 

It seems to me that you don’t trust me personally (on email) with the kind of information I mentioned right above, as if you think that I could be a bad person who will use information you provide to harm you.

I don’t think you’re bad. I suppose to an extent I don’t trust anyone online. Not like I would if we’d met in real life and got to know each other. I am cautious of all online contacts. I might be overly cautious and I don’t know how to change that. Up till now I haven’t felt the need to change it and this thought has caused me a fair amount of angst trying to put myself there. 

I don’t want you to take my cautiousness personally or to heart. It is so I am and it’s not my intention that it hurt or upset you. And I’d prefer the messenger than email because it’s in my comfort zone which might not be yours. 

What part of you- that you think I misunderstood- would you like me to understand? anita

I never intended to seem like I was ignoring or didn’t care that you were reaching out.

It’s not exactly that either. If I knew you in real life I’d throw on the coffee, drag you to movies, hope you might be interested in my sport. The difficult part is in between here and there, partly that I don’t want anyone else to contact me if I add contact details, and partly getting to know you in person rather than in writing.

I’m so sorry. I am not good at explaining and I’ve hurt you.

It has taken me a little while to process everything you said, I’m still processing, and I’m feeling sad and guilty. 

Dear SadSoul: “I don’t trust anyone online… I am cautious of all online contacts. I might be overly cautious… I don’t want you to take my cautiousness personally or to heart. It is so I am and it’s not my intention that it hurt or upset you… I never intended to seem like I was ignoring or didn’t care that you were reaching out.“- -It took me some time but I finally understand what happened: I tend to take words literally and am not sophisticated when it comes to virtual emotional closeness. So, when you invited me again and again for (virtual) coffee and food in your home (first time it happened to me online!), I mistakenly thought (without thinking) that you trusted me, because you wouldn’t invite a person you don’t trust into your home. In my mind’s eye, following your warm, enthusiastic invitations for coffee and food and other expressions, I saw a very friendly SadSoul standing by the open gate to your property, welcoming me with open arms (a smell of coffee and scones in the air). And so, I responded to that image with strong positive emotions.

If we lived close by we’d have made a coffee date or two at a local coffee shop. We’d have taken walks on the beach. We’d have caught up in person very early on and crossed the bridge of unknown to known. So on my mind it was okay. I emotionally crossed that bridge fairly early on in our conversations online and didn’t realise it, and I didn’t realise a couple of other things:

1. How my invitations would hurt you 

2. That I felt safe inviting you, a person I wanted to know in real life but couldn’t ever see that happening given our different continents, and of lesser concern if you were a bad person there was no way our paths could cross

3. That I don’t know how to initiate another form of contact and feel safe as everyone can see what information I give out. Even giving my alias messenger contact is frightening for me. Not because of you but because of everyone else who might use it

This morning, I am correcting this image: if I walked into your property in real-life (with a sign saying I am anita), I will be faced not with a very friendly, welcoming SadSoul, but perhaps with barking guard dogs chasing me out of the property, and an alarmed SadSoul pointing a weapon at me, or calling the police.

If you knew me you wouldn’t have this picture of me. I would be concerned if you showed up right this minute because there would be something frightening about you knowing where I live without me giving you my address… If we’d jumped a few of the get to know you hurdles I’d throw the door open and be excited to meet you. No gun, no guard dogs, although my dog thinks she’s a guard dog but is afraid of cats. 

Now I understand that what you meant to say when you invited me into your home is that you like me in the virtual context, as in saying: in a different world (Fantasy) I would invite you into my home! I apologize, I wasn’t sophisticated enough to understand correctly. In my July 24 post I quoted from our exchange starting June 9. Look at what I told you June 9: “I would be such a friend irl! As much as I love my favorite kinds of food (extra-cheese pizza, extra- and I mean ALL cheese, melted), I’d turn my back on the cheese and attend to SadSoul!“- this is a little girl’s voice, genuinely excited about showing you (in real- life) that you are way more important to me than the food you offered me so many times. What I boldfaced right above is not a smart, sophisticated online conversationalist- it’s a little girl, a loving little girl.

This breaks my heart that I’ve caused you to feel this way. I am so sorry. I’ll stop trying to explain the terrain in my head as I’m not sure it’s something anyone other than myself can understand, and even then, it’s caused me a very large amount of worrying and feeling awful trying to work it out the past few days. I’m looking at myself from your point of view and seeing how I’d feel. I’d feel very hurt and confused. You’ve been amazing sharing this with me rather than turning your back on it all. 

Back to what you wrote in your most recent post: I don’t trust anyone online…  I am cautious of all online contacts. I might be overly cautious… I don’t want you to take my cautiousness personally or to heart“- this morning, I am adjusting my mental image of you: SadSoul likes anita the online contact, and she is cautious with, and distrustful of this online contact, but it’s nothing personal because she is cautious with, and distrustful of all online contacts. It’s been my intellectual deficit/ lack of online sophistication that’s been responsible to this misunderstanding.

I don’t want you to adjust your picture of me. I don’t think I’m a cold person – that’s how reading this makes me feel. I’m afraid. Up until 10 years ago my home was full of family, friends, food, warmth, coffee. My partner played a big part in that slowly disappearing. My best friend also had never allowed other friendships, which didn’t stand out too much to me because I worked a lot and didn’t have time for other friendships, and I was grateful to her for fitting in with my busy life. I was blessed to have her too. They both exited my life at the same time. Not long after my mother exited. I can see I’m painting a picture here that could look like I’m the problem. 

I’ve been alone for five years. I haven’t pursued friendships because my heart is so broken. Meeting you, getting to know you, well, you and one other person I met online, you’re the only people I’ve felt comfortable to be me with and wanted to get to know. I’m cautious though, of unwanted people getting my contact information, and of getting to know anyone slowly.

I have had experiences with people I got to know online. That doesn’t make you one of those experiences, but you are caught in the crossfire of that, alongside my heart being afraid of more hurt. 

I’ll stop now as you had said you didn’t want to talk about it more and I have talked a lot more about it. I haven’t given up on us having contact in other ways I just am trying to accept your email suggestion as being a safe one. I’ve been trying all along to feel comfortable with it. Trying to understand why I’m afraid.

That’s a lovely thought, Helcat.  Would you be up for that, Anita?

I have read everything and given it much thought.  There are only two things I wanted to share:

“sad and hurt because SadSoul didn’t care to be my friend irl”
This is not correct, I do care to be your friend IRL.

“SadSoul is a Good Soul who is unrealistically and excessively Afraid”
I am afraid but I don’t think this is accurate either.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say.

How did the belly dancing event go?  I hope you managed to sleep well and wake up refreshed.  I am on my computer and my dog is laying asleep on my desk next to me.  Dogs are the best.  Did you end up getting the dog you were going to have?