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Son left unexpectedly

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  • #430225
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    You are welcome. Take care of your precious flesh and bone! I had wine after the walk, didn’t want to be a tipsy, easy prey for the wildlife out there!

    anita

    #430234
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I had a picture in my mind of enjoying your giggly walk and the wild animals creeping along behind you with their pointy teeth ready for a snack.

    I haven’t had a crash and burn for about three years now, but every time I go I have to psych myself up, so hats two or three times per week my stomach is churning and I procrastinate for ages. Once in doing it though, heavenly! There’s no room for anything other than being in the moment, being aware of only don’t what you’re doing, and my fear drains away.

    Maybe tomorrow I’ll have time as I have the day off work!

    How are you travelling? Also, do they mind if topics go very off topic like I’m doing?

    #430236
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I had a picture in my mind of enjoying your giggly walk and the wild animals creeping along behind you with their pointy teeth ready for a snack“- this might be the case in an hour from now. This time, I will be tipsy-giggly on my walk..anita-the-walking-snack, not a catchy title but could be quite bloody.

    How are you travelling? Also, do they mind if topics go very off topic like I’m doing?“- I was big on travelling until I ended up in the most beautiful spot in the world. Going off topic is fine and dandy with me (or as a better English speaker I know says when he corrects me), fine or dandy!

    anita

    #430307
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Fine and dandy works for me. How did Anita the wild animal snack go on this particular giggly walk? 😂

    #430310
    anita
    Participant

    Just as I always go, every day, either my 3.5 mile usual walk, or my 3 miles walk down the hill, every single day, 365 days a year, 11 years, a walking legend in the area (they’ll tell you), a legend in my own mind, lol. Recently, I walk with SadSoul with me.

    anita

    #430316
    SadSoul
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>It sounds like a magical place with just enough of the wilds in it to help the world seem far away. It sounds like a nice (and scary) place to walk. You’re a legend in your own lunch box!</p>
    I’m feeling alone and a bit sad today. There was a time I practised feeling emotions but insisting on my brain being silent. I think I started to feel less hurt, not sure though, because I have forgotten to do this for a while. So I’m here letting hurt flow through me without thoughts. I only remembered this way of letting hurt out when I read you take me on your walks. Thank you.

    #430327
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    You are welcome, and thank you for joining me on my walks. It is a magical place, a magically looking and sounding place. I didn’t mention the birds of prey around here. I once stood face to face with a huge owl, 2 meters away from me, at another time I observed a hawk hunting a chicken right outside the window.. (the sounds of it!)… almost stepped on a snake consuming a mouse on a walk, and so on, a very young coyote left behind by its pack at night, the loudest howls, the distress of being left behind.

    Coming to think about it, like the coyote I mentioned right above, you too were left behind: “Son left unexpectedly” is the title of your thread. Also, “my partner of five years left unexpectedly” (original post). Like coyotes, we are social animals, people who need people. It hurts to be left behind, all alone, young or old.

    I’m feeling alone and a bit sad today…  So I’m here letting hurt flow through me without thoughts“- it’s a good thing that the young coyote made those very loud sounds, letting the fear flow through him (or her) and exist through its mouth, loudly. First, it caused some adult or adults in the pack to locate the lost one and bring it back to the pack (the sounds ceased), and secondly, if that fear didn’t flow through him and exit through its mouth, what would that fear-energy do to its insides?

    So, yes, do let your hurt, emotions flow through you, and express them, don’t leave them inside to fester and destroy.

    Your commenting on my experience on my thread was always positive and supportive (so that has not being a problem), but if anyone does comment negatively, it can rain on my parade/ other members’… (I just posted my 1-line reply there: “Please see March 28, 2024  Special Message on page 2. Thank you”, as I wrote I will do, in my Special message post).

    If you want to comment on what I post there, you are always welcome to do it here, in your thread. I will now respond to your last post from there, copied and pasted here:

    “(Quotes) Your mother… was nothing to feel any sympathy towards whatever, just a horror. I relate to loving mine. I’ve never asked myself if she loved me though. My awareness was how much she said and did things that hurt me, that she thought of me as the lowest of the low, and no matter how hard I tried I never made the grade. Like yours she had her public persona. I loved it when people visited because her mood was nice. She ignored me, but I didn’t notice that, I just felt better when people visited so I wanted them to visit more.”-

    – I boldfaced the part that I could have written, exactly my experience!

    It really is just a horror when your own mother thinks of you as the lowest of the low. And there’s nothing you can do to change her thinking because in a sick way, her thinking suits her, it serves her in some way. Like the coyote who let out its fear via loud howls, my mother let out her shame via .. shaming me. i think that I will post about that today (in my thread).

    Sorry I’ve not exactly adhered to the above. I should have said this prior to it. I’m not exactly good at not responding. And I really wanted you to know your mother sucks“- thank you very much, ad yes, she sucks! (I hit the keyboard forcefully when I typed the last two words).

    anita

    #430341
    SadSoul
    Participant

    When I was growing up my grandfather used to say awful things about my mother. I had no way of knowing if they were true, and didn’t understand what they meant, just that she was wicked. That’s the one time in my life I argued and got angry. I was so hurt and angry he said those things even if I didn’t know what they meant. I argued, with almost rage, with him and got sent to my room. It’s a wonder I didn’t get flogged but I don’t remember being hit for it. He normally would not have tolerated that sort of thing from anyone.

    Relatives on my mother’s side have confirmed that what he said is mainly true.

    Aside from that, she’s always maintained how awful her life was losing her children. It took my children recently pointing out that she didn’t try to stay connected with us and they said I would have moved heaven and earth to be near them. Which is true. I would have done anything to be near them. And she didn’t do anything. She built her version of a happy life and lived that. I can start to see that the excuses she gave for failed contact are untrue. It’s taken a very long time to even begin to evaluate her and her actions, because she’s been so high up on the pedestal I gave her, so important to the little person inside me, and so high up on the moral high ground she gives herself.

    When I moved to her to get to know her she only called me vicious things. She waited till I was here though, and when the only solution I could see to fix it was to go back to where I came from, there were even more vicious things to say which destroyed me entirely. So I stayed and lived a life of trying to get her approval and silently carrying everything she said I was in my heart that was so broken.

    There was all kinds of things in my childhood but I can begin to think that her words have been the worst. Yet society thinks being beaten, starved, locked away for days, is worse.

    As I said, she cut me out of her life a couple of years ago. About six months ago, in despair, I sent her an email saying: I wish I’d never loved or trusted you.

    I was so hurt at the time, because several unforgivable things she’d done had finally proved how she really felt about me, but after I clicked on send I was horrified I’d done that. The shame I felt in saying such a huge hurtful thing made me feel sick and shaky. I felt like that for months. After a while I started to be able to feel less awful about it. Now a big part of me thinks she deserves every last word. And I hope she hasn’t changed her email address. So I do truly believe she deserved those words.

    Thank you for reading. This aloneness isn’t how I pictured life. I feel like that coyote baby only no one’s coming.

    #430346
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    Not focused, read just a bit of your recent post, and the heart-breaking part, “I feel like that coyote baby only no one’s coming.“- I heard that baby coyote and I hear SadSoul,  will be coming back to you/ to your thread Sat morning.

    anita

    #430362
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    When I was growing up my grandfather used to say awful things about my mother… that she was wicked. That’s the one time in my life I argued and got angry. I was so hurt and angry he said those things even if I didn’t know what they meant. I argued, with almost rage, with him and got sent to my room. It’s a wonder I didn’t get flogged but I don’t remember being hit for it. He normally would not have tolerated that sort of thing from anyone“-

    – You loved your mother so much that you fought for her, defending her from a man who was an authority figure in your life, risking being flogged by him. You defended her even though you didn’t understand his accusations against her. This is what unconditional love is about.

    There are sayings about a mother’s love that I grew up hearing, one of which was that a mother’s love for her child is unconditional. While this is true to some, too often a mother’s love is very conditional, or simply absent.

    This is the story of parental betrayal, a betrayal passed on from one generation to the next: your mother must have loved her father, and he betrayed her love. You loved your mother, and she betrayed your love.

    I just googled “parental betrayal” (a term I came up with, didn’t read about it, as far as I remember), and what came up is “Betrayal Trauma“, an established term that includes the betrayal of a child by a parent, (health line/ betrayal trauma theory): “harm within attachment relationships, like relationships between a parent and child or between romantic partners, can cause lasting trauma… originally applied the concept of betrayal trauma to children betrayed by caregivers… A parent bringing a child into the world has a responsibility to protect and care for that child. This responsibility forms an unspoken agreement between parent and child…”.

    she’s always maintained how awful her life was losing her children. It took my children recently pointing out that she didn’t try to stay connected with us and they said I would have moved heaven and earth to be near them. Which is true. I would have done anything to be near them. And she didn’t do anything… It’s taken a very long time to even begin to evaluate her and her actions, because she’s been so high up on the pedestal I gave her, so important to the little person inside me, and so high up on the moral high ground she gives herself”– she was betrayed by her father, and she proceeded to betray her child; you were betrayed by her, but you didn’t proceed to betray your children; she misrepresented herself, you present your self with honesty. Two women taking very different routes, different responses to betrayal.

    When I moved to her to get to know her she only called me vicious things… there were even more vicious things to say which destroyed me entirely. So I stayed and lived a life of trying to get her approval and silently carrying everything she said I was in my heart that was so broken… her words have been the worst. Yet society thinks being beaten, starved, locked away for days, is worse“- words that betray cut deep.

    As I said, she cut me out of her life a couple of years ago. About six months ago, in despair, I sent her an email saying: I wish I’d never loved or trusted you“- here it is, the betrayal of love, the betrayal of trust. (I am replying to your post part by part, replying to one part before reading the next).

    The shame I felt in saying such a huge hurtful thing made me feel sick and shaky. I felt like that for months. After a while I started to be able to feel less awful about it“- the email you sent her is the most.. honest cry of a betrayed child. There is no betrayal in having sent it, no wrong in it.

    Now a big part of me thinks she deserves every last word. And I hope she hasn’t changed her email address. So I do truly believe she deserved those words“- an email like that, if you received it from one of your children, it would have hurt you a lot.. so, you assume that she would be very hurt too. But that’s a projection of a loving mother (you), into an unloving mother (her), isn’t it?

    Thank you for reading. This aloneness isn’t how I pictured life. I feel like that coyote baby only no one’s coming“- you are welcome. (I did read this line yesterday). The coyotes in the pack in which that one coyote baby belonged, made the mistake, I suppose, of losing touch with the pup, but they came back for it. They didn’t hear his cries and chose to not look for him, and stop the pup’s agony, they didn’t betray him.

    Your mother saw/ heard/ read your agony for years (including reading your email 6 months ago), but chose to not to be there for you, again, and again. Same is true for my mother. That’s a long, long-term betrayal. It still hurts.

    anita

    #430367
    SadSoul
    Participant

    This is the story of parental betrayal, a betrayal passed on from one generation to the next: your mother must have loved her father, and he betrayed her love. You loved your mother, and she betrayed your love.

    I grew up with my father’s father, but you are right in my mother being betrayed.

    Mother did not have a good mother. I never knew my grandmother on mother’s side because she shot herself when I was a small child living with my father’s family. Oddly, I knew that she had died. Father’s father informed us of some things. He was very pleased to tell us mother had remarried, something I didn’t really understand the meaning of as a small child, but I’m sure he thought it would build negativity towards her. It didn’t work. I only ever felt sympathy and understanding for my mother up until the last year. It’s evolving into questioning the pretty picture I created in my mind, the one where she loves me and is perfect, and the horrible things she says and does are just from the terrible, traumatic, awful life she’s had. She really did not have a nice childhood, or early adulthood, so who she is a direct result of what she was given as a child. I don’t understand how that translates to being the hurtful person she is to me, her daughter, but it’s the reason why she’s who she is.

    but you didn’t proceed to betray your children; she misrepresented herself, you present your self with honesty. Two women taking very different routes, different responses to betrayal.

    I so very much hope I didn’t betray mine. This one leaving the way he has feels like I failed in every aspect. Hopefully he will live out the parts of his life he couldn’t live alongside me, and when he’s got whatever he needed from them, he will be comfortable coming back. He had things he wanted to do that he couldn’t do living with me because he knew I would not approve, he knew they would hurt me because they would hurt him, and that he couldn’t sneak around doing them because it would show.  But the short-term gains of doing them were more important than the long-term losses, so he took the route that gave him unhindered ability to do as he wished.

    I start to see bits and pieces of the bigger picture as I read your words. I get off track a lot when I reply and end up deleting most of what I type, but I’m starting to wrap my head around things, starting to have an emotion that isn’t total loss and devastation.

    Thank you for taking the time with me. You have so much knowledge and ability to extract knowledge. I think I’m fairly good at knowledge gathering but I often don’t find knowledge – my fault, I get stuck feeling awful and give up.

    Yesterday I took part in my risky activity and it was totally unrisky to the maxxxxx. I traversed the highways and the byways, well, mostly highways, and nothing remotely disturbing happened. I know that is an enigmatic thing to say, but I prefer not to publicly say what my private passion is, as I don’t want to give too many facts about myself out. What we say on this forum is not hidden from google searches. Also, I don’t do anything illegal or weird in case you’re wondering!!

    #430368
    SadSoul
    Participant

    PS so I don’t muck up your topic and I feel the need to sympathise, I read what you said, and I feel it in my soul. I used to wish I was adopted so I could be rescued. I was jealous of orphan children. Their lives seemed so much nicer than mine. Because in many ways their lives were nicer. That song that says: No mumma’s kisses, and no daddy’s smiles, nobody wants me, I’m nobody’s child. I knew how that felt. Nobody wanted me, nobody cared what happened to me, they turned away from it and told themselves it wasn’t their business.

    A few years ago I spent a meal with an aunt I hadn’t seen in more than 35 years who was attending a visit to my dying father. She was trying to get me to be reasonable and go and make up with him, but that’s another story for another time, and I had gone through the motions for his sake and my future emotional wellbeing in any case. I vaguely explained things from childhood that were the reason for our estrangement and she said she didn’t know these things happened to me. I said, ‘if your daughter had displayed some of the behaviours I displayed, you would have jumped into action, because you would have known something happening was very wrong. You would have protected her.’

    Instead, every single human who saw turned the other way and ignored.

    I know you know how that feels <3

    #430370
    anita
    Participant

    I will be back to you Sun morning!

    anita

    #430391
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I read most of your 2 posts, and when I got to this: “I was jealous of orphan children. Their lives seemed so much nicer than mine“, I had to start my reply with this quote because this is how I felt as a child, and this is the first time in my life (!) that I am reading or hearing anyone feeling/ thinking the same. I used to daydream and find comfort in imagining that was an orphan.

    Mother did not have a good mother… she shot herself when I was a small child living with my father’s family“- I remember reading a long time that women rarely commit suicide by firearm. In my area, I personally knew two men in the last few years who shot themselves.

    Father’s father informed us of some things. He was very pleased to tell us mother had remarried… I only ever felt sympathy and understanding for my mother up until the last year. It’s evolving into questioning the pretty picture I created in my mind, the one where she loves me and is perfect“-  you had to believe someone loved you.

    and the horrible things she says and does are just from the terrible, traumatic, awful life she’s had“- notice you used the present tense, she says, she does. I almost always, if not always, type about my mother’s words and action in the present tense (and often edit it to the past tense). Our mothers are not physically with us, but the have mental reps in our brains who keep their work going and going.

    She really did not have a nice childhood, or early adulthood, so who she is a direct result of what she was given as a child. I don’t understand how that translates to being the hurtful person she is to me, her daughter“- my mother had a terrible childhood and early adulthood. It translated to her not wanting me to be so much luckier than her. She had to bring me down so to make it.. fair.

    I so very much hope I didn’t betray mine. This one leaving the way he has feels like I failed in every aspect…“- to bring up a child successfully, it takes a village. The village (our society) is so troubled (made worse for children/ adolescents, as you expressed, with the internet), that it’s not realistic for you to take more responsibility for his leaving than there is for you to take. Too many factors/ people (online and in real-life) are at play.

    Thank you for taking the time with me. You have so much knowledge and ability to extract knowledge“- you are welcome, and thank you, it’s nice to read.

    Yesterday I took part in my risky activity… I prefer not to publicly say what my private passion is“- sometime maybe we’ll connect via private email, but based on my experience transferring communication with a few (younger) members over the years to private email did not result in any advantage at all. The format here is much easier/ better for me (but if we can’t communicate here anymore, private email will do, as far as I am concerned).

    Be careful with that risky activity!

    That song that says: No mumma’s kisses, and no daddy’s smiles, nobody wants me, I’m nobody’s child. I knew how that felt. Nobody wanted me, nobody cared what happened to me, they turned away from it and told themselves it wasn’t their business… every single human who saw turned the other way and ignored. I know you know how that feels“- yes, I do. I wish you didn’t know how it feels…

    How are you feeling today?

    anita

     

    #430402
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I will come back to this. I caught up with my cousin. Lovely cousin. We we share the same family so I’m rattled. I’m feeling extremely anxious so I need to settle myself. Normally, I wish we didn’t have half of a world that separates us, but this moment I don’t know if I could do the intensity of emotion the topics of conversion brought up.

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