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Son left unexpectedly

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  • #431863
    SadSoul
    Participant

    You are allowed to have feelings!  The good, the bad, the ugly.  Don’t feel bad about having them.  They kept you alive.  Feeling the things you thought your mother would approve of and bring connection, well, maybe they did because, although you could not see it, maybe she actually approved of you being like her in her own weird way – a way that showed the opposite of approval.  Imagine how much worse if you’d felt and behaved the opposite ways to your mother’s examples.  Some people cannot show approval to their children.  They think it weakens them.  One day your mother will have to reconcile her life in this world.  Whether it be with God, or whatever comes at the end, I believe we all have a reckoning.  I don’t look forward to mine; mainly because I am so worried about my pride getting in the way of my accepting my failings.  I’ll say it again, your mother should be ashamed of herself, much more than ashamed, she should be beside herself with remorse.

    “all this gratitude and emotion for a moment of me acknowledging your hurt…”

    I started weeping again.  I’ve been so caught up in things lately I’ve forgotten to sit with an emotion and let it flow through me.  I took time this time, time to allow myself the deep hurt I feel over your kindness and understanding.  You’ve given me a gift, one that hurts and heals, I think.  It’s not your fault it hurts, it’s my hurt, and it’s being allowed by not expecting me to get over it.

    “I am motivated to try and write you another poem sometime in the next few days, would it be okay with you?”

    That is so thoughtful.  Thank you.

    Isn’t the world a smaller place when we can be friends across oceans?  Back in the olden days, when I was a child and an adult, we wrote letters.  They took weeks to get there, sometimes months if the postal service stuffed up and sent them surface mail, or they got lost.  I used to write to my mother, letters full of the things I thought were important, letters full of words and thoughts my friend had because I thought she was amazing.  My mother showed them to me a few years ago, with a snide comment about their content, and I read them quite in amazement.  They were exactly how my friend spoke.  But I was in them too, a boy I liked, my shock at a girl in my class having sex…

    “Sad Soul’s Son, tell mom why, tell her just as it is.
    If you can, please tell her.
    She bought orange and poppy seed cake yesterday, tasted like casserole.
    I bet she she’ll bake the best cake ever for you, mother’s love seeds in cake, if you come over for a talk
    Separate truth from lies, Sad Soul’s Son; see your mother as she is, see your father, your friend as they are
    See yourself
    Tell mom what’s in your mind and heart, tell her, she’ll listen, she will not argue
    She wants to know, she needs to know, Please talk to her. Tell her your truth.”

    I finally read these lines slowly and surely.  They are so precious to me.

    My love for my children has evolved for each one of them as they grow up.  I love the older ones in a more .. separated? .. way.  I love this one that has left in a different way to how I loved little boy him, or baby him.  I loved him in a more little boy way just before him leaving.  He’s not a boy anymore, and I missed all that happening, he’s a young man now.  I’d been preparing and evolving emotionally as he’d been moving into his adult self, more conscientiously than with the others as he was the last one left, but I did not expect it to all be ripped away.  I thought he’d start walking his adult life in stages and I’d get to walk beside him when he needed me.  We’d be friends / mother and son, as he matured.  He used to say he was never going to leave home, never leave me, that I had to go with him wherever he went.  I knew that was a little boy talking, but it made him all the more precious.  Instead it’s totally different.  I think I am mourning the loss of him as I knew him too.  I’m just sprouting forth words and words and words and my sore heart.  Sorry.

    #431864
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    You submitted your post exactly 3 minutes after I submitted one in my own thread.

    Please, no need to say Sorry to me! Your feelings are as important as mine. I want to hear/ read about yours no less than I want to tell you about mine.

    I knew that was a little boy talking, but it made him all the more precious… the loss of him as I knew him“- often I analyze people, analyze stories, but there is nothing to analyze when it comes to 100% pure pain, a loss such as this.

    Oceans apart, here I am, there you are, but we are close, so I feel, close to you.

    anita

    #431865
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I saw your one in your thread.  You’re letting go of so many hurt emotions you never should have had to shoulder.  I’m proud of your achievements!  I’m having some moments catching up on the internet and emails because I can’t put one foot in front of the other just now.  There’s so much I need to do in my short hours I’m not at work but instead I’m falling apart.  But I think maybe in a putting together kind of way.  Thank you for being on the other side of this conversation.

    It’s so, I can’t find the words, so something that I feel such a connection to your words.  I’m here for you too, close with only an ocean or two separating, but literally a heartbeat of internet speed.

    Did you have children?  I find myself wanting to know the life you.  How you spend your days, because for now, I just imagine you walking down rarely travelled dusty roads, foxes and wolves and eagles living their lives around your wanders, golden sunset light stretching your shadow ahead of you.  I wonder if you have a dog who walks with you, or a cat who welcomes you home when you return, and I wonder if you’re a tea drinker because tea doesn’t got with chocolate cake!

    #431866
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SeaSoul:

    it’s 8:54 pm here, Thurs night, and the last thing I drank was red wine, my favorite night time tea, lol. And indeed, neither tea, nor red wine goes with chocolate!! (it’s just wrong!)

    No, I never had children, and eagles are indeed my constant companions. The neighbor’s beagle Boe, doesn’t know he belongs there more than he belongs there.

    It is truly beautiful here. And at this moment, I too find a connection to your words, to your .. more than words.

    I am about to go unconscious/ asleep, a bit dizzy, hearing the latest news about Israel/ Iran.

    anita

    #431871
    SadSoul
    Participant

    You just inspired me to look at the news, something I avoid, and I’m hoping what I read is a development since you last posted and the reports were actually mistaken. I read Iranian officials were saying it wasn’t a missile.

    If you don’t have a dog, a neighbour’s dog is the next best thing. My neighbours have a lovely little dog.

    Occasionally I wonder if having children was a mistake. If I’ve passed on the cycle of abuse somehow. I’ve read that a mother’s emotional state affects the foetus. I’ve read abuse affects DNA in bad ways. That is true the sins of the parents being passed onto however many. generations, although it’s genetically, not biblical. But maybe they feel abused. I’ve read lots of people who have issues with their parents for things I would have loved to have from mine, so I guess it’s relative, not just something that can be classified by one for another. Hmmm. I might have done them the biggest disservice ever having them. But oh how I love them.

    Red wine goes with nothing other than cigarettes and I don’t smoke anymore so I don’t drink red wine anymore 😂

    #431873
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul,:

    Congratulations for quitting smoking. Which reminds me about loneliness: “Widespread loneliness in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking up to 15 cigarettes daily.. the U.S. surgeon general said Tuesday in declaring the latest public health epidemic” (pbs. org, May 2023)

    Isn’t the world a smaller place when we can be friends across oceans?  Back in the olden days, when I was a child and an adult, we wrote letters…“- the good old days… the bad old days.

    Whether it be with God, or whatever comes at the end, I believe we all have a reckoning. I don’t look forward to mine; mainly because I am so worried about my pride getting in the way of my accepting my failings… Occasionally I wonder if having children was a mistake. If I’ve passed on the cycle of abuse somehow“- we all pass on the abuse. We are born into it, and we pass it on. Some more than others. It takes awareness, decency, and healing in the inside to not pass it on anymore. It’s like.. we’re all born into a collective muddy water pool, so we get mud on us, and before we know it, we rub bodies with others (or give birth to others) and pass on the mud.

    It is each person’s responsibility to remove one’s personal mud as soon as possible and no longer pass it on. Not easy, being that we live in a muddy world. Yet necessary.

    There is no day of reckoning, aka judgment day sometime in the future. It’s happening every day as we judge ourselves and each other. I can live with myself with much more peace of mind than before because (1) I am doing all that I can to clear the mud off of me whenever I notice it, and I notice, (2) I don’t take personal responsibility for the mud I was born into.

    I wonder if you have a dog who walks with you“- Boe walked with me twice, uninvited (and not on a leash). Once, he got into a neighbor’s yard where there’s a bigger dog that can be vicious, I was scared for Boe big time. Another time, he joined me on my other route, toward the highway, and had a neighbor collect him into their car before reaching the highway.

    * I read your post in my thread, but I am not sure if it’s okay to comment on it (it’s against .. my rules on that thread)…?

    anita

    #431888
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Loll I don’t mind if you reply to it. I’m struggling not to reply to you in it, but you’re doing amazing.
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>You’re doing a good job with your mud. I never used to think anything like that, I used to think everyone was well intentioned and lovely, and I couldn’t understand why they did horrible things. I’ve become a bit cynical since so much has come my way these last years. My younger self stepped in a bit just now to say, ‘No! We’re not born with mud on us! Every one is born perfect! And beautiful. Lovely and deserving. Not everyone deserves the crappy life they get though. We owe it to our loved ones to do our best to be love to them though, no matter how crappy a life we got.’ I’m not arguing your point just totally contradicting it 😂 I miss the young me that thought everything was beautiful even though it was not. It protected me from lots of hurt. Old me doesn’t want mud to be all there is 😢</p>
    I did an amazing thing today, it took some skill and amazing amounts of courage, strength, perseverance, and patience. I’m in pain now 😂 I’m not all that strong or fit. But I did it and it wasn’t a failure!

    I quit smoking a very long time ago. Ha. 15 a day. I was more like 50. If I get cancer I deserve it. I also quit red wine at the same time. Unintentionally, just because the next couple of times I tried it, it tasted awful, and I couldn’t have a ciggie to fix the problem. There were many false starts with quitting, resulting in allowing myself to smoke with a glass of red, ending up drinking a few glasses of red every night so I could smoke 😂 ended up thinking I had two vices to deal with 😂

    #431890
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    Thank you, SadSoul!

    My younger self stepped in a bit just now to say, ‘No! We’re not born with mud on us! Every one is born perfect! And beautiful. Lovely and deserving“-

    – We are born perfect, beautiful, loving and deserving! Unfortunately, we are born perfectly loving and deserving into a muddy world, a world where, as Clint Eastwood said in his movie Unforgiven, “deserve’s got nothin’ to do with it“.

    (In the scene he was pointing a rifle at the sheriff, about to shoot, and the sheriff pleaded: I do not deserve this!)

    We owe it to our loved ones to do our best to be love to them though, no matter how crappy.. life we got“- yes, we do!

    I’m not arguing your point just totally contradicting it“- my point was not that we were born corrupt. But that we are born into a corrupt world, and we end up- eventually- with some corruption in us, and passing it on. At least at times, to one extent or another. And it is every person’s personal responsibility to identify those corruptions/ mud and remove it from our words, expressions and behaviors. I am still working on it.

    Do you disagree with my point above?

    I miss the young me that thought everything was beautiful even though it was not. It protected me from lots of hurt. Old me doesn’t want mud to be all there is“- good thing, mud/ corruption is not all there is!

    I did an amazing thing today, it took some skill and amazing amounts of courage, strength, perseverance, and patience. I’m in pain now.. I’m not all that strong or fit. But I did it and it wasn’t a failure!“- Congratulations! (I wonder if you are referring to an extreme sport, such as sky diving or climbing steep and slippery rocks, lol. I know you don’t want to share about it, and that’s okay).

    I quit smoking a very long time ago. Ha. 15 a day. I was more like 50“- this is a huge achievement, again, congrats!

    anita

    #431896
    SadSoul
    Participant

    – my point was not that we were born corrupt. But that we are born into a corrupt world, and we end up- eventually- with some corruption in us, and passing it on. At least at times, to one extent or another. And it is every person’s personal responsibility to identify those corruptions/ mud and remove it from our words, expressions and behaviors. I am still working on it.

    This is beautiful. I don’t disagree with the mud thoughts either, just don’t want it to be true, and there needs to be the perfect cheeky emoji face so you can see what I’m thinking when I’m being cheeky. But it is beautiful what you’ve said there and the mud is sad. And no one deserves the childhood they get. I never looked at it like that. I Only thought abused children don’t deserve the childhood they get. But neither do the lucky ones, they just were lucky. This too is sad. People with nice childhoods do not seem to be able to comprehend how we are. But why would they? If you never got broken you can’t understand the scars that hold another together, how there are still places under the scars that the healing isn’t complete, severed spirits that found found ways to reunite the cells of themselves, but not in the way an unbroken heart gets to beat its happy song.

    No! No skydiving 😂 a much more practical chore that I usually have to pay someone to do. It’s very hard work physically and requires some expertise. I think I’ll get my expert fellow to do the next go though, just to ensure I’m on the right track. Plus I don’t have all the tools so it may require his excellent work if it gets out of hand. Ha. Very secret squirrel 😂 oooh I’m in pain today though, so many muscles I didn’t know I have.

    I went abseiling once. I felt so empowered but the feeling didn’t last, my fear of heights returned the same day, so this ate away at my ideas of going skydiving. I used to think I’d do that after I’d filled my duties to my children, just in case I died, but I realise that although doing something scary helps you in the moment it can be short lived, and also what’s the point of shortlivingly facing my fears at the end of my life anyway? 😂

    One day I’m sure we’ll converse and share ourselves. But for now the internet doesn’t need to have that much info on me.

    I quit smoking a lifetime ago. The friend that was there for everything. That’s what it felt like. I lost the thing (friend) who say with me in the good, the bad, the normal. Oh well, cancer sites with you through all those things too!

    It is raining cats and dogs here. The weather is telling me to be still! I love it. My linen is getting soaked though. Oh well.

    Well, dear Anita, I’m about to make a pot. There’s no lemon tea or poppy seed cake – although we’re lucky there’s none of that after the last one – so let’s put our feet up and enjoy the rain that is falling in bucket loads.

    #431897
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul: I like reading what you posted above, need to re-read Sun morning (Sat 10:30 pm here). Good night/ morning, back to you soon.

    anita

    #431898
    SadSoul
    Participant

    You’re all g.  I’ve been working the small hours of the day away.  A job that somehow got a gremlin in it and I had to re-do it, unpaid, as it’s I’m a contractor on this one.  Suckyyyyy.  I hope you sleep well.

    #431906
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    There needs to be the perfect cheeky emoji face so you can see what I’m thinking when I’m being cheeky“- it would help, lol, since truly, I am cognitively compromised when it comes to figurative language in-real life as well. I almost always don’t get jokes unless they are literal. This is probably why the only joke I remember and can therefore repeat is this one: Why did the chicken cross the street? – To get to the other side. I get this one, yeah!

    People with nice childhoods do not seem to be able to comprehend how we are. But why would they?“- I think that people who truly had nice childhoods are more likely to be empathetic and comprehend hurting people than people who had bad childhoods (more likely to be angry/ abusive/ not empathetic).

    A much more practical chore that I usually have to pay someone to do. It’s very hard work physically and requires some expertise“- (plumbing.. roofing work..)

    Very secret squirrel”– (tree removal)

    I went abseiling once“- one more time than I did. Heights make me dizzy.

    It is raining cats and dogs here. The weather is telling me to be still! I love it“- rained all of last night here.

    Well, dear Anita, I’m about to make a pot…  so let’s put our feet up and enjoy the rain that is falling in bucket loads“- smiling-face emoji (smiling). I literally don’t know how to add emojis and am okay with it.

    I hope you sleep well.“- Thank you. But I slept poorly. I might post about it on my thread later today. Maybe.

    Are your muscles hurting this afternoon, and do you stretch before/ after the hard physical work?

    anita

    #431946
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    “I can’t seem to relax… I am never happy with myself unless I’m working hard, doing something, being busy or productive. I’m really struggling right now with guilt and anxiety… Any quiet time I’ve felt so guilty and anxious… I’m struggling. Really struggling with guilt. My head hurts. I’m so tired. Sorry, I’m complaining, but I’m going to read this again and hopefully the saying of it will help me let some go.…I read it and I feel worse. Hmmm”-

    -shhh… Sad Soul, hush the anxiety, hush the guilt, hush your tormented soul. It’s strange, is it (I don’t think so, really), that we never met, yet I care to know that you are okay..?

    I want you to be okay with yourself, relax, not because you are perfect (no one is), but because you want to be as good a person as you possibly can be. I want this myself, to be the best person I can be.

    anita

    #431954
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Hello, dear Anita

    I am firstly going to respond to your anxiety thread because I can’t in it.  I haven’t really felt a lot of anger in my life, not because I’m special, but because I would get flogged if I got angry.  As an adult the handful of times I’ve been angry have caused me to lose a person, except that I have been angry at my children quite a few times and let them know it.  Interesting how I can feel it if I feel confident I’m not going to be abandoned.

    Anyway, back to anger:  I believe it is a protective emotion, one that kicks in when we need to be motivated to protect ourselves, because it causes us to have uncommon strength whether that be physical, mental, or emotional.

    Could your anger be a layer of protection?  Not that you need it now but childhood has handed you a carry-over champion in the form of it?

    I don’t know if this will be helpful in the coping with it being with you as a constant companion, and I only suggest these couple of strategies because a clever person once taught me one of them to deal with fear, and the other has also been really helpful for me when dealing with all my negative feelings.  I have been an afraid person most of my life, really scared of everything, so I lived in ways that kept me safe.  This clever person got me to look around me and see if I could see anything that I needed to be afraid of.  I couldn’t see anything, just trees, grass, houses, power poles, sky, cars driving along, you name it.  Somehow having a little stocktake of what is around me helps me not to be so afraid.  I think fear and anger are similar emotions that have a similar root cause.  The second thing I do, which I’m told is called mindfulness, is to clear my mind and let my body feel the feeling it is having.  It usually fades away quite quickly.  When I’m having a tough time I tend to forget to do this, or because I’m feeling back so frequently, I feel like it’s not working but really I’m forgetting to sit with the feeling and let it pass through me without thoughts cluttering the process up.  I find it’s really important not to let myself think while I’m letting go – easier said than done when one has a stupidly hyper mind.

    Thank you for caring.  It’s been a hectic week so far and I’ve been doing my best to keep up with it.  I think I might have caught up on most things but then I’ve been asked to work an extra shift so meh it goes on.  I care that you are okay!!!?  I’m sorry I’ve been MIA, just sometimes I can’t find the energy to do anything more than go to work.

    You are a good person!  – random thought for the day which I could say so much more about but I just side-tracked myself with another thought.  I watched this amazing thing about how emotions are the cause of many illnesses – deadly illnesses, not just the type people think are imaginary or mental illnesses.  Are we allowed to post links on this website?  It was interesting how even being a people pleaser causes awful chemical reactions in our bodies.

    You are safe, I don’t tell jokes, so you won’t ever have to get them.  I always start with the end and muddle it all up.  And the jokes I think are funny are my private party coz no one else does.  I’m sorry though that my contradicting the mud thing was so poorly executed.  I definitely was contradicting you but it was in a cheeky and excitable way, not a mean or argumentative way.  I’m sorry though that it didn’t vaguely sound that way in the text of it.

    I really like your experiences and thoughts on people with nice childhoods.  It made me stop and reassess my negativity on that.  I agree re negative childhood survivors have many more negative emotions that can bubble over.  It’s a sad world but there is sunlight in it.  I’m sitting with three furry sunlit things right now <3

    No plumbing, roofing, or tree removing has taken place by my hands – well, probably at some point in my life tree removal has, but not recently.  It was a much more fun chore than they would be, I think!

    Today my muscles seem to be a little better!  Has your sleep improved?  I had a bad night last night, just tossed and turned so much, but woke up feeling okay.  My phone brings up the emojis but I think if you get the right symbols on you PC it makes them too.  I’ll try, I’m putting these two together to see if they do, but I’ll put a space in them the first time so you can see what I’m typing:  : )  🙂

    If it doesn’t work you can laugh very hard at me hahaha.

    I hope you’re doing well this fine day and you are in my thoughts.

    #431955
    SadSoul
    Participant

    PS I didn’t proof read any of that so I am sorry if it’s a muddle and in the spirit of honesty I have actually replaced a washer and a tap so yeah I’m a full blown plumber!!  Sorry, I had to tell you that because when I thought about it I have done vague plumbing and I felt like I lied.

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