I agree with Matty. This guy was “cheating” on you…and lying to you. And if I’m reading correctly he had this entire conversation in front of the girl he cheated on and is currently in a relationship with….wow! It sounds like he was contacting you when he either 1. Was bored with her, 2. Was on a break with her or 3. Needed his ego stroked for some reason. And he stuck around just long enough to get what he needed then moved on.

I’m not much of one to label people “good” or “bad” based on things like this because, honestly, you play 50% role in defining your relationship. Yes, he lied and built a dishonest relationship. BUT…he left….twice….just disappeared with no explanation…and you accepted him back. So YOU helped set the rules that you’re ok with that.

I’d just accept that he’s not honest or ready to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want and move on. Don’t have contact with him even if he contacts you again, because he probably will at some point.

Dear Samantha:

What is reality? It is often a combination of what is indeed real and what we wished it was. He was probably honest with you a good part of the time you and him were together and there was some love there. And he was dishonest with you part of the time. He had a relationship with another girl at the same time (he took breaks from the both of you, maybe at different times). I don’t know the details, of course. But to un-confuse yourself try to separate what was true from what you wished was true.

And please post again:

anita

Hello Samantha,

I have to agree with Bethany on what she said –

“What really stood out for me was the lack of communication throughout the relationship.”

In order to have a happy and healthy relationship with anyone, you need to have lines of communication, or else that leaves the other person thinking that, the relationship means nothing to you. There’s never anything wrong with reaching out to someone if you haven’t heard from them in a long time and feel the relationship was very valuable to that person. The communication should always be open and equal in order to build on the relationship and to continue it. Cutting ties without communication, can/may do some damage and that’s when the assumptions, anxiety and uncertainty comes into play emotionally. That’s why it is always best to always keep some line of communication open. In order to prevent the constant uncertainty of not knowing what is going on. Which then opens the flood gates of all un-certain things.

“Be careful about “figuring.” Ask questions, and keep the lines of communication open. It sounds like there were a lot of assumptions being made.”

Always ask questions and keep lines of communication open to not burn any bridges, as when you let so much time go by, whether months or years go by and then you want to reach out, it may feel un-comfortable. It’s all unknown again.

About him dating a girl for 3 years, maybe they were going back and forth for 3 years and so maybe that’s why the girl said ” we’ve been doing for 3 years” I would get the entire story from him, if that would make you feel better. About him not posting anything on social media or pictures of them together really doesn’t mean anything, as I have married friends and non married friends that are in relationships and they don’t post pictures of them together or talk about their relationships on social media. Or post what they are doing but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a couple. They just aren’t looking for validation from people on social media in regards to their relationship. They are protecting and keeping their relationship private most of the time. I get some people like posting pictures of them and their partners as their profile picture ect. That’s fine and all but just wanted to let you know, that I know a lot of people in relationships or are married, that don’t do that.

This all seems really painful for you and the guy seems too unsure about himself, you and even his current relationship. As much as it’s going to hurt you, I’d walk away if I were you. Being second best should never be an option for you. Right now just love yourself and work on yourself first. Maybe in the future you two will re-connect and maybe you won’t. You deserve to be happy! 🙂

Thank you for opening up to us and share what’s been going on. Sending lots of positivity, love and light your way.

M.

Dear Samantha:

I think that the reason why you are “so dumbfounded” still, why you can’t comprehend what happened is in a sentence you wrote in your original post: “I feel totally spellbound by him.”

That spell, the answer is in that spell. What do you think/ feel? What was and what is that spell about?

anita

Dear Samantha:

It is my understanding then, that you felt very elated by having a patient, open, kind, accepting and hardworking person in your life and that he somehow encouraged you to want to grow and work on your own insecurities. This encouragement is very powerful. No wonder you felt spellbound: it is not every day that a person inspires us this way!

The thing is these are still the things you value, whether he is those things or not, it doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you value these things in a future partner: being patient, open, kind, accepting and hardworking as well as someone who inspires you to work on your insecurities, to push the barriers of your fear, to expand, to grow to reach out for MORE, more of living.

Now you know, if you didn’t beforehand. Now you know what you need in a partner… and you also know what you need yourself: to push those barriers, to challenge your fear, to live life in a way you haven’t before.

Is that correct?

anita