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Still in shock – But I don't know how to feel

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  • #97436
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I have known a guy for 2 years now. We first dated for 2 months in 2014 then he just disappeared (he was going through some stuff so I just let it happen, figured he needed time)….then 6 months later he contacted me and apologized that he disappeared we talked for about 2 months and then went out on a date, we quickly faded away again (I let him know I didn’t like that he was doing it again and said he wanted to make time but we just went on with our lives instead) then 6 months later he contacted me again and same exact thing happened (except this time we didn’t fade away, something else happened..)

    I wanted to give you a back timeline because I want to show that we weren’t committed and that something was obviously wrong. We really have a connection. I feel totally spellbound by him. I am a pretty good judge of character and am pretty guarded, and I found myself loving him and believing he is a kind, gentle person.

    So the “something else that happened”? Well, I was texting him and less then 15 minutes after he texted me last we ran into each other at the grocery store parking lot….but he was walking with a girl, a girl I have seen before. He saw me from about 200 feet away and quickly turned around. I kept walking but I thought “why am i doing this”? So I approached him (or them). According to this girl they have been “together for 3 years.” I kept saying that I wanted to talk to him in private and he just kept repeating “we aren’t a thing”. The entire confrontation he didn’t look over at the girl once….he looked at me and had a hard time looking me in the eyes for long and he was tearing up.

    I told him I know we aren’t a thing…but stop calling me when you know how I feel. I asked him out of total confusion if I was speaking with the same person I thought I knew. I was honestly that confused…that was him, really?

    Why I am coming here today is to ask you is this guy a terrible person? I can’t seem to comprehend this…and its been over a week.

    We spoke about intimate things, we were intimate. I told him before he came back into my life the third time that “things need to be different”, we talked about how we had insecurities with being emotionally intimate with others and I told him I am ready to try….he said “well, maybe one day I will” Is this girl crazy? I am just so confused what reality is right now. I mean, everything we spoke about, that seemed so honest and candid…was that a lie? I even recently told him that “he makes me nervous because of the things I feel for him” and he said “I am happy I make you feel that way”.

    I wouldn’t have never in a million years even thought for a second he was, as she put it, “together for 3 years”. He never posted one photo with her, wasn’t friends with her on Facebook for while, there is no indication anywhere of a relationship. According to her they have been on breaks. Since then she seems like she didn’t even consider the situation and accepted him with the most open of arms (seems she just has no backbone, she just stood there) and he blocked me online a couple days after the incident.

    I am so confused and just feel like I am in some strange warped reality. This girl is totally opposite of me. This guy and I have so much in common. I am so confused.

    #97449
    Matty
    Participant

    Gday Samantha,

    I hope that you get better, and can move on, clearly this individual was ‘playin’ with you, but i can’t judge the individuals character or makeup, i have no right to do so.

    Why I am coming here today is to ask you is this guy a terrible person?

    If you think he is, then by all means think this way. But i don’t want to validate an opinion of someone without hearing their side of the story, no matter how i personally feel about him after reading your post. You understand now that he was ‘cheating’ (emotional? Physically?) with you. So you have to accept this is now in the past and focus on what your going to do now. The best thing to do is to start to love yourself again. You’re calling this fellow terrible (probably other names as well) to lessen the impact against your pride, dignity and self-respect. This is normal, we humans more often than not protect of values before anything else. They are in essence who we are. But call it what it is, a mistake. As painful as it feels now, every day the feeling will lessen. You did nothing wrong. His partner now, probably has given him the benefit of the doubt, maybe she trusts him. Maybe they have a particular arrangement?

    I am so confused and just feel like I am in some strange warped reality. This girl is totally opposite of me. This guy and I have so much in common. I am so confused.

    Although you ‘think’ you know him, he cheated on you. So although you may have a lot in common with him, he might not have been honest with you. He might of lied about certain things that made you two bond. Everything he said or did becomes suspicious. I would expect that the reason he would contact you months apart was he was either too afraid to speak about something to his current partner OR was getting bored.

    I hope for you the best, if you have more you want to say or seek to understand more, please post further.
    Sincerely,
    Matty

    #97450
    HippieChick
    Participant

    I agree with Matty. This guy was “cheating” on you…and lying to you. And if I’m reading correctly he had this entire conversation in front of the girl he cheated on and is currently in a relationship with….wow! It sounds like he was contacting you when he either 1. Was bored with her, 2. Was on a break with her or 3. Needed his ego stroked for some reason. And he stuck around just long enough to get what he needed then moved on.

    I’m not much of one to label people “good” or “bad” based on things like this because, honestly, you play 50% role in defining your relationship. Yes, he lied and built a dishonest relationship. BUT…he left….twice….just disappeared with no explanation…and you accepted him back. So YOU helped set the rules that you’re ok with that.

    I’d just accept that he’s not honest or ready to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want and move on. Don’t have contact with him even if he contacts you again, because he probably will at some point.

    #97461
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Samantha,

    My jaded question to you is: What did you THINK he was doing during his many six months of radio silence? Sure ~ you two were a thing/”thing” for two months. At least that’s what he led you to believe. But believe the months of no contact more.

    Next time (with a different guy), no deep talks or intimacy until you are, truly, A Thing. Give it MORE than two months before anything BEGINS.

    Best,

    Inky

    #97467
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    What is reality? It is often a combination of what is indeed real and what we wished it was. He was probably honest with you a good part of the time you and him were together and there was some love there. And he was dishonest with you part of the time. He had a relationship with another girl at the same time (he took breaks from the both of you, maybe at different times). I don’t know the details, of course. But to un-confuse yourself try to separate what was true from what you wished was true.

    And please post again:

    anita

    #97496
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Samantha,

    What really stood out for me was the lack of communication throughout the relationship. “he was going through some stuff so I just let it happen, figured he needed time.” Be careful about “figuring.” Ask questions, and keep the lines of communication open. It sounds like there were a lot of assumptions being made.

    That being said, is it possible that you didn’t ask questions because you were afraid of the answers? Did you see yourself as an equal in the relationship? That is, did you think that you had a “right” to ask the questions?

    However you feel now is fine. You are going through a grieving process, so be kind to yourself during it. Then, look at the relationship and see what you can learn. Our relationships tend to follow patterns and repeat common themes. Uncovering them and working through them is the way that we can rewrite the story.

    Bethany
    Article that you might find helpful (I wish I had something on communication, but…alas….): http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info/blog/2015/8/19/6-reasons-why-loving-yourself-is-the-best-gift-you-can-give-your-partner

    #97507
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Samantha,

    I have to agree with Bethany on what she said –

    “What really stood out for me was the lack of communication throughout the relationship.”

    In order to have a happy and healthy relationship with anyone, you need to have lines of communication, or else that leaves the other person thinking that, the relationship means nothing to you. There’s never anything wrong with reaching out to someone if you haven’t heard from them in a long time and feel the relationship was very valuable to that person. The communication should always be open and equal in order to build on the relationship and to continue it. Cutting ties without communication, can/may do some damage and that’s when the assumptions, anxiety and uncertainty comes into play emotionally. That’s why it is always best to always keep some line of communication open. In order to prevent the constant uncertainty of not knowing what is going on. Which then opens the flood gates of all un-certain things.

    “Be careful about “figuring.” Ask questions, and keep the lines of communication open. It sounds like there were a lot of assumptions being made.”

    Always ask questions and keep lines of communication open to not burn any bridges, as when you let so much time go by, whether months or years go by and then you want to reach out, it may feel un-comfortable. It’s all unknown again.

    About him dating a girl for 3 years, maybe they were going back and forth for 3 years and so maybe that’s why the girl said ” we’ve been doing for 3 years” I would get the entire story from him, if that would make you feel better. About him not posting anything on social media or pictures of them together really doesn’t mean anything, as I have married friends and non married friends that are in relationships and they don’t post pictures of them together or talk about their relationships on social media. Or post what they are doing but that doesn’t mean they aren’t a couple. They just aren’t looking for validation from people on social media in regards to their relationship. They are protecting and keeping their relationship private most of the time. I get some people like posting pictures of them and their partners as their profile picture ect. That’s fine and all but just wanted to let you know, that I know a lot of people in relationships or are married, that don’t do that.

    This all seems really painful for you and the guy seems too unsure about himself, you and even his current relationship. As much as it’s going to hurt you, I’d walk away if I were you. Being second best should never be an option for you. Right now just love yourself and work on yourself first. Maybe in the future you two will re-connect and maybe you won’t. You deserve to be happy! 🙂

    Thank you for opening up to us and share what’s been going on. Sending lots of positivity, love and light your way.

    M.

    #97617
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your comments….you really put a lot of time into our responses and I truly appreciate you doing that.

    Theres a common theme through what all you said and I can totally understand where my faults were. I guess what is getting at me to most, still, is just the entire situation, outside of the strange “love triangle”. This is a guy, that I spent 2 years truly believing that he was honest, he was kind. That I was candid with, that the last time I saw him he just sat there in the car hugging me for the longest time, brushing my hair back from my eyes. From what I saw, he was a busy guy who doesn’t handle stress very well (there were times when life’s stresses, that I would consider silly, would really effect him). I felt and thought that there was a bond there. My whole understanding of this guy for 2 years has completely flipped. I don’t know anything, the guy I knew wouldn’t lie as he did…

    I usually can detect character flaws, and even if I don’t know what those flaws are when I feel something is “off” with that person I let them go because I trust my intuition. I NEVER had an inkling, until recently, that something was going on. I thought “he’s probably dating someone else” but thats no big deal, he can do that, we are not exclusive or much of anything in respects to a relationship anyways. According to this girl they have “been together” the entire time. Do I believe her? I could be dating others as well, I just chose to put my time into other efforts.

    I am so divided…throughout the day I constantly just want to speak with him. And then my mind switches and says “and how would you believe anything he says anyways”. Thats whats so heartbreaking – I feel I lost a friend, a possible companion….someone I respected. Its gone, like that. Poof.

    I just keep going back and forth wondering..”Could I ever trust him? What could he do to make me want to try to trust him?” And I don’t have answers, I don’t know how to get answers…I am so dumbfounded, I can’t comprehend it still.

    #97628
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    I think that the reason why you are “so dumbfounded” still, why you can’t comprehend what happened is in a sentence you wrote in your original post: “I feel totally spellbound by him.”

    That spell, the answer is in that spell. What do you think/ feel? What was and what is that spell about?

    anita

    #97643
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    I guess I am “spellbound” by him due to the complex interests we share, and who I translated him to be. I understood him as patient, open, kind, accepting and hardworking – all characteristics I would be proud to find in a single person. He had his flaws, like any other person you meet, but they didn’t hault me, they made me want to grow and work on my own insecurities. Which was really unique and a powerful part of having him in my life.

    All my confidence in him and these qualities have been shook, and I have no concept of what is going on. that’s why I’m stuck, I guess.

    #97645
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Samantha:

    It is my understanding then, that you felt very elated by having a patient, open, kind, accepting and hardworking person in your life and that he somehow encouraged you to want to grow and work on your own insecurities. This encouragement is very powerful. No wonder you felt spellbound: it is not every day that a person inspires us this way!

    The thing is these are still the things you value, whether he is those things or not, it doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you value these things in a future partner: being patient, open, kind, accepting and hardworking as well as someone who inspires you to work on your insecurities, to push the barriers of your fear, to expand, to grow to reach out for MORE, more of living.

    Now you know, if you didn’t beforehand. Now you know what you need in a partner… and you also know what you need yourself: to push those barriers, to challenge your fear, to live life in a way you haven’t before.

    Is that correct?

    anita

    #97655
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Samantha,

    I believe at this point, it is best you speak with him so that you can at least have some peace of mind and clarity. Get the facts first from him or feel is energy when you see him and look him in the eyes when he answers you. If he can look you in the eyes and say ” No, I wasn’t with this girl for 3 years/the entire time ” without looking away or looking down while he answers you. Then he’s telling you the truth. In order to try him, you also need to trust and believe in yourself to do the right thing. Not sure what he’s lied about but it’s apparent, you two need to sit down and talk to clarify the truth of the matter. As nobody wants to be accused of something that isn’t true/factual.

    The more two people can come together in a comfortable setting, the more you can dismiss mis-understandings of not knowing what exactly is going on. I really do hope you get in touch with him and talk with him face to face, so that you can move on from here. Or else this is going to keep bothering you, like a never ending merry-go-round. My heart goes out to you, keep a positive attitude that things will get better, after you get some clarity from him. Not everybody lies about what truly matters and about their relationship status. Some do but a lot of us don’t.

    Keep your chin up my dear… And be brave and just contact him, you will be just fine. <3

    Sending lots of love, positivity and light.

    M.

    #97671
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I did confront him and he teared up while looking directly at me while she was standing by quietly. I am currently blocked or deleted from all forms of communication other than Instagram (I am sure it’s due to her request).

    I am not sure if I am in the position to contact him at this point, of course I want there to be some type of communication for the sake of clarity between us, but I guess I have to pick up my own pieces and move on and assume he will contact me when he has his mind together a little more. If you believe I should contact him in this particular situation, I would love to hear your opinion.

    And I just want to really stress my gratitude to you all. You have put so much effort and listened to my situation in a way beyond what I could ask for. I am a strong believer in having compassion for all, and even in this scenario I have so much compassion for him and even her. everyone has a different viewpoint in which they see the world, and that is essentially what causes these situations, as well as the beautiful ones, not pure evil living in someone, but a slew of insecurities, needs and fears that cause people to make choices that are hurtful or wrong. I understand that, I have been that, i still have some of that living in me and I will forever except that I will always be striving to become a better person than I was yesterday. So to tune someone out because they made an ill-choice because of their fears….doesn’t that action transfer their fears onto you? It’s a progressive snowball effect. I don’t want to become a materialize version of the way he treated me, and I don’t want to allow that transference effect to embody another via myself. This is all easy to say, but to understand it deep within your heart, when all you do is want to shake that person and say “don’t you see? What were you thinking?”….it’s an uphill struggle. Thank you for all your compassion

    #97673
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Samantha!
    anita

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