Hi B,

You’re welcome! If I may ask… how did he get in contact with you again after you’d changed your number and moved?

I can understand where you’re coming from and why you feel that element is missing. It’s hard when you don’t feel close to apparent and especially when you feel that parent is abusive. That’s definitely something to work through with your therapist, too, especially if you’re still feeling resentment toward your father.

I think another thing you can also do that might help is read blogs and articles and watch videos on how to find that love within yourself. I know the idea of finding the love that you feel you need from another within yourself might seem weird, but it’s possible, and once you’re able to give yourself all of the love you need, you won’t be searching for it elsewhere, and it will likely give you the desire to actually back away from that unhealthy relationship because he will no longer offer you any benefit.

Maybe check out some of Kyle Cease’s videos. I went through a pretty devastating breakup a little over a year ago and figured out that I had quite a few fears and insecurities left over from rocky relationships in my past, and Kyle’s advice sort of helped me let go of that old story I kept telling myself and find what I needed within.

Another thing to do would be to accept that this man cannot give you the love that you desire, so attaching yourself to him (which is what you’re feeling now… an attachment) will not help you at all. I think it would help to read some articles and blogs on how to detach until you find something that really speaks to you. I also had to do this with my ex… I just Googled “how to detach from someone” and started reading until I figured out what might work for me and started trying different things.

Overall, though, be gentle with yourself. It’s an ongoing and sometimes slow process, so give yourself time and keep working on letting go of him.

Hi. I know how it can be. I know how it is to rerun everything over and over. To ache.

I can’t really say how to do it. I will share with you what made a huge difference for me. I was so hurt and consumed that I couldn’t sleep and I was crying too often. I was angry. I was sad. I was broken. Every contact I had with him broken me a little more. I felt lost.

Then I asked why? Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I letting him do this to myself? Confronting myself like that changed something. I decided NO. He was not going to steal every good memory I had of him. He was not going to stop my own healing. He was not going to stop me moving on. NO.

It still took time. It took me years before I was ready for someone else. It was not because of him though. It was because of my own journey. That night I stopped. I said NO to his control over me. Every time I began to obsess, I would turn that thought into remembering why I loved him and what he gave me. Not what he took away. I focused on why I was meant to know him.

I have to think hard to remember the bad things. Occasionally, though rare now, the bad might creep in, only to give notice that I am ignoring something similar in my own life. It is freeing to let go. Let go of the bad. Not him. He will always be that part of your heart that made you better.

Big hugs. You will get there. There is not time limit. Less pressure on yourself. More reminding yourself of what brings you joy.

I hope that has made it slightly clearer. I should not solely blame him but I do think my father had an impact on my choice in men in some sort of way. I don’t know. Maybe the therapy can help peice these things together.

Yes, this is definitely common for parental relationships to impact future romantic relationship choices. The good news is that if you are attracted to guys who are bad for you, this can be changed by working through your feelings with your therapist. Once dealt with and resolved, it should be much easier for you to then hold out for the kind of love you deserve, someone who treats you well.

Stay strong with your resolve when it comes to not seeing your ex, no matter how much your mind tells you it will make you feel better see or talk to him. Your past experiences have shown you this is is not the case, so remember those. Once you get through this hardest stage of the withdrawal and detaching, it should get easier for you. You deserve better than he can give you. Just keep reminding yourself of that whenever you start feeling weak.

Maybe even write in a journal the thoughts you have that say you should NOT be around him… anything that he’s done that’s made you feel bad or treated you in a way you don’t deserve… then read that journal every time your resolve weakens. It should help to strengthen it up again. Read it whenever he shows up at your work or wants to meet up with you before you respond to him.

Good luck at your job interview! You really do sound like you’re taking some great steps towards feeling better, and I’m sure those will help a lot, too! And we are always here to vent to whenever you need it! 🙂

Hi B,

Keep it up now. You know you are doing the right thing by going no contact. I know it’s hard, very hard, I’ve been through something similar myself. Once you realise you have your own life back, and you get to choose how you live your life now, that you are the one in control now, things will get a lot easier.

It’s easy to say, but so very hard to do. You have to respect yourself, and you know in your own heart that this is the right way of doing that.

Best wishes for a brighter future, and this time a future you decide for yourself, not one that has been imposed on you by someone else. x

PS. That incident you mentioned above. Well, go girl! You certainly showed him what you thought of him. Don’t think that somehow you are to blame. He made the choice to try and use you to his advantage, while you were in a dark place. You were manipulated.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by JayJay. Reason: added a ps

Dear B:

I will summarize what you shared in this thread:

As a child, your father left the home when you were one, but visited on a “Very hit and miss” basis. You have a vivid memory of him when you were six or seven, he turned up one weekend intoxicated and was physically violent toward your mother.

You are currently about 24. When you were 18  you met a 21 year old young man. You moved in to his parents’ house. Within three months of living there be became violent and controlling and you were confined to the bedroom, going to work and then straight home. When you went out it was with him or with people he approved of.

Throughout the relationship, “he was constantly lying and cheating”. After a year of living with him you got yourself your own apartment, but he moved in with you. You paid for everything so to make your own rules but he still made the rules, controlling you. Currently he is not living with you, but he lives close by, same area and the two of you have mutual friends.

Because of the abuse you suffer in the relationship you started drinking heavily. He currently has a new girlfriend but he contacts you regularly and the two of you occasionally meet up. You have tried to end the relationship with him repeatedly, succeeded for a short time but then reconnected with him, like a drug addict who needs a “short term fix just to make me feel  ‘better… Somehow I always get lured in by him as he consumes so much of me. My mind and heart”.

Last time you saw him, about a week ago, he picked you up from a bar where you got drunk with friends. He wanted to have sex with you but you refused, knowing he would “just leave me anyway like I was nothing” and return to his girlfriend. The two of you got into a heated argument about his girlfriend, you chased him down the road and hit him.

You wrote that you are “disgusted and appalled” at your behavior, feeling awful, “the guilt is killing me. Being drunk is no excuse for my behavior. I am ashamed”.

At this point you want to stop drinking, you want to stop the meetups with your ex boyfriend, to end the physical/ emotional relationship with him altogether, and you want to create a good relationship with your father for the first time in your life.

My input: what is clear to me is that you were a very lonely child, not only did you have a “Very hit and miss” father, but for some reason (you shared nothing about it), you didn’t have a close relationship with your mother. For some reason, you left her home at 18 to live with this young man’s parent, living there with him,  and for some reason you didn’t share with your mother how bad it was living there and didn’t go back to living with her.

Being so emotionally starved, starved for closeness, for love, it is no wonder to me that you got hooked on this man, as if he was a drug and you are a drug addict. We all need love and when we lack it in our lives for so long, we crave it, and we keep gravitating to what feels closest to love.

Would you like to share about that lack of closeness with your mother?

anita