October 21, 2014 at 12:19 pm #66589
I am not attention seeking here, but am just totally desperate as to how to cope with suicidal feelings, due to health and mental well being descending to below the bottom rung of the ladder. It really seems impossible to get any break from the ill health and the very difficult feelings, which seem to get worse the more ill and exhausted I am feeling. Some people have told me to do something for myself to soothe myself, but taking a bath or going for a walk in the park, or listening to relaxation CD’s etc really don’t have any effect, and nothing seems to work anymore. I am feeling like a huge burden to my family and friends, and often feel they would be better off without me. Right now I just feel like walking out in front of a bus, just to stop all of this pain continuing any longer, but then that would inflict pain on others, right? I have spoken to some health professionals, but get the feeling that I am just a bit of poo on the bottom of their shoes, and that there are other people far more interesting to them. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but cannot cope with the pain. I even feel guilty for feeling like this, as I am very aware that there are people much worse off than I am, and I know from a religious point of view suicide is a crime…..
Sarah-JaneOctober 21, 2014 at 5:45 pm #66624OctoberParticipant
I’m sorry you are feeling so, so low today.. You sound like I’ve felt myself once upon a time. I don’t know your story but I feel your sadness and pain like it was yesterday…but here i am today glad i let those very real thoughts and painful feelings of hopelessness pass by. I really hope someone close to you knows you are so down. I’m sure your family and friends love you would be there to help with whatever you need. Take special gentle care of yourself you are worth itOctober 22, 2014 at 10:23 am #66646
many thanks for your reply. I am happy to hear that you did manage to get past the feelings of hopelessness :-)! I have told a select few people how bad I am feeling, but I think because I am such a reserved calm person on the outside, and friendly and sociable, they don’t seem to realize the severity of my bad feelings? Also, I am the sort of person that will always do for others rather than myself, so it is probably not as evident to them as to what is going on, as I would never want to let them down, so would do whatever it is I have promised come what may, illness or not, and then pay for it afterwards behind closed doors. I have had to have fourteen operations and procedures done in the last two years, and have been suffering from some long term chronic pain conditions too, that cause multiple issues with health. I have also had breast cancer in that time, and a mastectomy. I was due to have a reconstruction done, but this has all gone by the wayside, as I am just getting one infection after another, so am not healthy enough right now, and it doesn’t appear to be changing for the better?
Sarah-JaneOctober 22, 2014 at 6:49 pm #66663billParticipant
Your best bet is your friends. Have people check in with you regularly. If you have to go to an ER. You probably won’t feel this bad for a long time since feelings this intense usually dissipate. Our feeling come and go. They are just feelings, thoughts -remember that even though they seem powerful. That said, you sure don’t want to go on feeling like this in the future do you? I hope you will find supportive people or professionals who can help you get rid of this form of pain.
I find that what gives me these kind of feelings is telling myself something like – what is happening now is the opposite of what I wanted to happen in my life and it’s not going to resolve or get better. Or maybe thinking that your main purpose in life has been blown away. It’s my expectations. Try letting go of your expectations for a day or a few days. You can always get them back if you really want them.October 23, 2014 at 10:05 am #66684WillParticipant
Please hang in there. I love the writings of this person when I feel down, maybe it will help you too: http://www.fluentself.com/blog/not-hating-on-yourself/what-you-do-when-you-feel-like-dirt/October 23, 2014 at 10:27 am #66686
Thank you Bill and Will, anything is worth a try…..December 2, 2014 at 3:45 pm #68669DrikkenParticipant
I used to have such thoughts but the I realised they were just thoughts, conditioned thoughts I considered over and over during a dark period in my life. I found that the cause of all human suffering and I say suffering not pain as in physical pain is mental talk in your head aka thoughts. Thoughts aren’t always necessary, one can stop thinking although it takes practice or you could also just observe your thoughts without having a feeling that’s related to that thought but again that takes practice. Ever wonder why Buddhist monks are so happy it’s not above you or anyone for a matter of fact, anyone can reach a state in which they are liberated from the mind, it’s rather easy just concentrate on your breathing without mentally judging it or as I sometimes do talk myself through something or another, This is all related to something called mindfulness an ancient practice which changed my life, take a look online if you’d like. I hope you get better and know you aren’t alone.
With my deepest sympathy ~
P.S. By the way if you are indeed interested I’d suggest listening to either Ajahn Brahm or preferably Ekhart tolle and please let me know if you also think he looks like a turtle.January 5, 2015 at 10:49 am #66683WillParticipant
I’m sorry you feel so bad, Sarah Jane. I really hope the pain lets up a little over the next few days, and then keeps letting up.
Try not to heap bad feeling on top of your bad feeling, though. Isn’t it bad enough you’re depressed and suicidal? No need to add the burden of guilt on top. If you feel horrible, you feel horrible. That’s how it is and it’s OK. A lot of people get to dark places like where you are. They can’t be blamed for that, it’s just circumstances and brain chemistry. You’ve clearly been through a lot!
See if you can give yourself permission to feel horrible, just as horrible as you feel now. I bet your family and friends don’t think of you as a burden at all; they want you to be well and happy. Is there anyone you can confide in, who would be able to really listen?
Just keep doing what you’re doing to be your own best friend. Cut yourself some slack. Have another nice bath, or icecream, or a walk, or whatever gesture of kindness you can extend to yourself. Even if you don’t feel better for it, at least the intention is there: you are on team you, and you’ll keep doing things until you find something that does work.
I hope you’ll feel less awful soon.