Dear Tea:

Your words hold so much depth, strength, softness, and truth. You’ve clearly done deep, courageous work—unraveling the knots of purity culture, reclaiming your body, and choosing to heal. It shows not only that you’re capable of love, but that you already carry within you the depth and emotional generosity that real love requires.

And yes, it makes sense that losing the connection with your last boyfriend would feel like losing a sacred part of your self-expression. Because that relationship wasn’t just about sex or romance—it was about becoming more yourself.

Your longing doesn’t mean you’re broken or codependent or “too much.” It means you’re alive. Still growing. Still hungry for a love that meets you where you are now—not where you were forced to be in the past.

So when you ask, “Maybe I’m asking for permission?”—Tea, consider this a wholehearted yes:

Yes, you’re allowed to crave touch and closeness.

Yes, it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, or lonely—even when your life is full in other ways.

Yes, your desire for soulful companionship is not a weakness—it’s a compass.

Your kind of depth, Tea, doesn’t always show up in the usual fast-paced dating apps. But it can be found. Sometimes it’s about placing yourself where people are already showing up with the kind of energy you value.

You might find meaningful connection in settings like workshops or gatherings such as writing circles, expressive art workshops, improv classes, dance classes, yoga workshops, Tai Chi- these help reconnect people with their physical body as a source of emotion, intuition, and grounding—not just fitness. You might want to try mindfulness or meditation retreats, or volunteering with causes that mean something to you—shared purpose can lead to shared insight.

The goal may not be to “look” for someone—but to show up in places where the kind of people you’d want to know are showing up too.

With care, Anita

Dear Tea,

It feels to me you’re on a self-discovery journey, on a quest for a deeper connection with your true self. It also seems your ex-boyfriend helped you reconnect to your true self, and this is what you are now missing:

with my last boyfriend, I worked through that and learned to trust and relax and enjoy sex, which was really transformative and healing for me. It was a big life moment. Thus, when we broke up (almost 2 yrs ago now) I think it was really painful for me to lose that kind of loving intimacy because it represented that progress for me from the physical pain of my past into a state of relaxation and self-connection. I felt so empty after that relationship ended. Like I lost a way of expressing myself that felt essential and beautiful to who I am.

It seems that with his help, you unlocked a part of yourself that is essential and beautiful – that is your True Self. Which had been suppressed for years before, having lived in a culture of religious purity (puritanism?), perhaps having to suppress not only your sexuality, but also the connection to your body, feelings and intuition as well?

He helped you free yourself from the “cramping” and constriction (both physical and metaphorical), and it was very liberating for you. As you say, a big life moment.

You say you’ve been considering moving abroad, or at least away from your city, in which you never felt like you belonged:

I have never felt like I truly belong in the city I live in. But I am also trying to grow my career and finances so I can stand on my own as a young woman. So I don’t know where else I would go right now. Part of me wants to work abroad, like teaching English abroad or doing Educational Tours or a Work-Exchange program or something, but I’m scared to do so as well. I have things tying me here, like family and I’m finishing up a masters degree this next year for my job. But part of me feels like I should just leave everything and figure out how to get out of here. Like maybe I can’t fall in love until I leave my city and everything I know?

Maybe you relate being stuck in this city with being stuck in that old mentality (or religious puritanism and suppression), where you cannot be yourself? You want to move away, but perhaps it’s not so much the physical move that you need, but the mental/spiritual move – a move towards your true self, away from constriction, suppression and cramping?

And it also seems that you believe you need a loving relationship with a man to unlock your potentials:

I have this persistent desire for physical intimacy and love that I feel frustrated by in a way that I can’t shake or express. It feels like I can’t move forward or feel brave or alive until I find a connection where I can share love and physical intimacy with.

It seems you’re waiting for a man, or rather a deep, intimate relationship with a man, to feel alive again, to feel courageous, to allow yourself to live life fully. Am I guessing this right?

You say:

I don’t feel a need to date around again, since that felt exhausting for my heart. I am just really craving deep friendship with a man to fall in love with, but I don’t know where to find that?

What if you actually need is a deep friendship with yourself? An emotional intimacy with yourself: getting in touch with your likes, dislikes, dreams, goals, desires… getting to know yourself on a deep level? Which perhaps wasn’t allowed in the family/social circle you grew up in?

Dear Tea:

Thank you for sharing all of that—it was brave and beautifully honest. I really hear the mix of longing and confusion, and I want to start by saying: there’s nothing wrong with you. Not for wanting love. Not for wondering how or where it could happen. Not for questioning whether you’re compatible with men just because your social world leans heavily toward women.

You’re not incompatible with men; you’re just moving through spaces where emotional depth is more commonly found among women. That doesn’t mean it can’t exist elsewhere. It does.

You don’t need to adopt “masculine” interests unless you’re truly curious about them. Trying things like outdoor volunteering, mixed-gender workshops, or travel experiences could open new doors—but only if they feel authentic to you.

It’s not about changing who you are. It’s about placing yourself where connection has room to grow. You already carry everything love requires—depth, courage, and emotional presence.

I’m here if you want to explore next steps together.

Warmly, Anita