Struggle marriage and painful feeling anxiety and depressed

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This topic has 16 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 8 months ago by Thondit.

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August 21, 2020 at 7:19 am #365249
Jacobus
Participant
Hello everyone @ tinybuddha. Hope this message will find everyone well. It is hard to elaborate this kind of married I have been for 3 years. Fighting to fix things well but being let down by my wife. I ( 28 ) was in relationships with my wife ( 35 ) for 4 years now, where we met first time when i was work as master scuba instructor in the island of Komodo-Indonesia.We met for 2 weeks in 2016, a week later she’s asking me to marry her and moved with her to Vancouver Canada. I leave everything behind, my family my job, everyone in indonesia and moved with her, we had small wedding,everyone’s attended was her family and relatives. Last year she’s started changing, yelling at me called my job is shitt, cant make more money, started pushing me away rejecting me over and over for almost a year and even no time to have intimacy. she’s excuses of busy from work, than i get really frustrated, so few months i go i run away i did abandoned her, to Indonesia because my brother get married, then the corona virus happened and im stuck in Indonesia, I cannot flight back to Canada that time, because of that she’s hate me treating me and telling me to get divorced, I fight every single day to convince her how much i love her, she’s good woman i really don’t wanna lose her, i send hundreds of text and email every day, but she’s ignored it, then she’s started to blocked me on everything.

Is there any other way i can use to bring her back? I love her, I don’t wanna lose her again
- This topic was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by tinybuddha.
August 21, 2020 at 9:04 am #365264

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jacobus:

You shared that at 28, you’ve been in a 4 year relationship with your wife (35). The two of you met at Komodo (one of the 17,508 islands that comprise the Republic of Indonesia, home to the Komodo dragon) where you worked as a master scuba instructor in 2016. A week after meeting you, she asked you to marry her and move with her to Vancouver, Canada.

You proceeded to leave your job, your family and “everyone in Indonesia”, and moved to Canada, had a small wedding with her family and lived with her in Vancouver.

Last year she started changing, stopped being intimate with you, started yelling at you, complaining that you don’t make more money. You then left her and returned to Indonesia. And then, “the corona virus happened” and you were “stuck in Indonesia”. She was angry at you for going back to Indonesia and wanted a divorce.

“I fight every single day to convince her how much I love her, she’s a good woman, I really don’t wanna lose her, I send hundreds of text and email every day, but she’s ignored it, then she’s started to block me on everything. Is there any other way I can use to bring her back?” –

– I ask because I want to understand:

1. Is “a good woman” one who yells at her husband, one who complains that he doesn’t make enough money?

2. Is it that you want her back, or is it that you want to live in Vancouver, and not in Indonesia?

anita

August 21, 2020 at 9:35 am #365270

Anonymous
Inactive

It is tough, Jacobus, when our love is not returned by our spouse. Anita asks you some questions and I have to say, answering them will give you more clarity. How do you make this woman change? You can’t. She is punishing you. I am going to suggest you stop texting and emailing or calling all this much, every day. Give it a rest. Take your time to rest your mind. Figure out whether you will live and work where you are now, or live and work and be on your own in Canada. She is using the abuse called the silent treatment. This is abuse to not talk to someone. She has probably had control over you for the entire 4 years. You rebelled by going to Indonesia and then she started the silent treatment abuse to get you back under her control. By now, you should have some kind of legal right to live in Canada, correct? You have to decide whether or not staying married is worth all this stress and anger and someone controlling you. She is not going to change. The only one you can change is you. I am saying hard things to you. I am sorry your wife is so abusive, it sounds like she has been manipulative and controlling from the beginning. Living with someone like this is often very difficult and full of distress. You give in and loose your self value and “manhood” or you argue and fight with her to give back some control. There is no easy in this relationship for you unfortunately.

August 21, 2020 at 11:33 am #365275

Peggy
Participant

Hello Jacobus,

You are stuck in Indonesia because of Coronavirus. There is nothing you can do about that. You have to accept that and so does your wife. You left your wife because of the way she was treating you. Now you have been away from the situation for a while, it is easy to look back and see it differently but she doesn’t want you back. This is what you have to accept. Your marriage is over. She doesn’t love you any more. Stop trying to make contact with her. Nothing you do will make her want you. You need to move on from this and consider how you are going to rebuild your life. These are the harsh facts. Sorry.

Peggy

August 21, 2020 at 4:47 pm #365303

Jacobus
Participant

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the great response,

1, i understand she should not yelled at or being mean to me, but year before she were never like this, she’s being differenly after she got promotion at her work become a Manager.

2,i really want her back, i swuear i damn love her, i dont wanna lose her, i admit i hurt her, she’s a good heart women, but i never get it this all happened, i knew one thing she’s had this depressed ill from her past, she told after we got married she had terrible relationship with her exs

August 21, 2020 at 4:53 pm #365305

Jacobus
Participant

Hi Rose of yellow,

Thank you for the great advice. i have done everything i could to convinced her that im not a bad person, every day i pray for miracles, i make mistake, im only human, is really i deserved this treatment ? yes i do have my canadian permanent resident

August 21, 2020 at 4:56 pm #365307

Jacobus
Participant

Hi Peggy,

Thank you for your thoughts.

i thought i could try to fix you know, i thought i could show her im not a bad person. but maybe you were right. Thank you

August 21, 2020 at 5:22 pm #365311

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jacobus:

You are welcome. I am still trying to understand, therefore I ask the following. You can answer if you want:

1. “I have done everything I could do to convince her that I’m not a bad person… I thought I could show her I’m not a bad person”-

First question: which one of the following is true?

a. You used to be a bad person to this woman, but you changed, and now you are no longer a bad person. You’ve been trying to show her that you are no longer a bad person.

b. You were not a bad person to this woman, but she accused you of being a bad person. You’ve been trying to show her that she was wrong, and that you were not, and still are not a bad person.

Second question: if you used to be a bad person, in what ways were you a bad person?

Third question: if she wrongly accused you of being a bad person, what were her accusations?

anita

August 21, 2020 at 5:40 pm #365317

Jacobus
Participant

Dear Anita,

1, i just feel myself that guilty, i feel im bad when i left vancouver, but i leave because she didnt treat me well, she rejected me she pushed me away,

2. she accused me of ungreatfull person because abandoned her.

i never be bad person but sometimes i just feel guilty that i should not left her.

and when i left vancouver, my plan was just for a month due of my brother wedding, but i got stuck can’t flight back due to corona virus,tha’s where all started

August 21, 2020 at 5:55 pm #365318

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jacobus:

“Last year she’s started .. yelling at me, called my job is sh**, can’t make more money, started pushing me away, rejecting me over and over for almost a year.. so few months, I go, I run away”-

-according to your story she abused you and ran away from her. According to your story, you did not abandon her. You ran away from her.

It is not a good idea to return to a woman who yelled at you and rejected you over and over and over again. It is even worse to have a child with a woman like that, because the child will be very scared to hear her yell- at you and at the child himself, or herself.

Stay away from abuse; don’t chase it.

anita

August 21, 2020 at 6:05 pm #365319

Jacobus
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much.

i love her, but you right i should stay away. i care so much of her, i know she’s not treat me well. maybe im just feeling i dont wanna be alone, because she’s my first love, she’s the only women i ever met in life and being as wife, i really feel lost.

Thank you for being there for me.

August 21, 2020 at 6:09 pm #365320

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jacobus:

You are welcome. I feel sad that you feel so lonely. You wrote that she was your first love- first means there can be a second, and a second that is way better than the first.

Isn’t there a nice woman where you live, a woman who is also lonely, a woman who will treat you nicely, just as you will treat her nicely?

anita

August 21, 2020 at 6:13 pm #365321
Jacobus
Participant
Dear Anita.

Thank you

i feel scared now to find anyone.

im scared of fail again
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Jacobus.
August 21, 2020 at 6:24 pm #365323

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Jacobus:

When she yelled at you again and again and again- she failed you.

When you ran away from her and from her yelling (and rejecting you repeatedly)- you succeeded, because now you are far away from her yelling and rejection.

It is 6: 23 in the evening my time, 8:23 in the morning your time. Try to have a better day today, and I will be away from the computer and back in about 12 hours from now. Feel free to post anytime, as many times as you want, and I will reply to you when I am back.

anita

August 21, 2020 at 6:28 pm #365324

Jacobus
Participant

Dear Anita,

Thank you,

appreciate for everything your help, you are angel , Hero . hope you have great evening.
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