Hi Brandy,

I really thought about your question. Obviously my age is a big consideration for me, but is it the biggest element I’m feeling? I don’t think so. I miss the man, flaws and all.

Hi Brandy,

1- You’re right. I absolutely miss him. We broke up previously because back then I felt I needed more commitment and in a way I thought the break-up might have shaken some sense into him. At that stage I had no clue about marriage or kids or anything, at that point I was merely looking for any kind of commitment more than he was offering. I went to therapy and felt things were unsettled and unfinished so I felt we were meant to be together so I picked myself up and got back on track and reached out to him in a casual way and it went from there.

2- The age thing IS a factor and ISN’T a factor. It IS a factor if I feel I still want that and time is running out, but to be honest, I can’t see my future with anyone else, so it’s not a factor in that sense because it’s not something I’m going to have anyway. Sorry if that sounds confusing! It’s confusing to me and it’s my head!

3- Rejection. Boy, that’s the toughie isn’t it. He CHOSE not to be with me! What is WRONG with him?! I’m not a stranger to rejection, most guys I’ve liked or had brief flings with all rejected me in the end. Previously I would walk with my head held high and make myself have fun times and look good etc and say their loss. This time not so. My therapist feels it’s because his words and actions don’t match. He was either lying to me or lying to himself, but either way, it’s not clear cut. I really felt this man loved me, not as much as perhaps I should receive but by far more than he ever thought he could give or reach. So I’m sad because he chose not to be with me. But I’ll absolutely take on board your advice and try saying it aloud regularly.

4- In terms of other ways I’m hurting. I’m lost. Honestly lost. I can’t find a path, I can’t find anything or any plan that would make me happy. Much advice suggests finding something you love to do and participate and you will start to feel better. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again, not with the passion and love I felt for my ex. That’s pathetic maybe, but it’s just me being honest. I thought my life was going in a particular direction and now it’s not, I’ve no interest in alternatives which don’t make me as happy. Not to say I was fully happy with my ex, clearly I wasn’t, I loved being with him but the lack of future hurt me, so therein lies the pain.

It’s all such a process but I’m not sure do I know to much or too little at this stage now and I’m all levels of confused!

Hi Brandy,

I guess you could say that he was my only chance. But not in the sense that there is no other man in the world who would want a family etc, but because I don’t want that with anyone else. I have only recently discovered I was open to the prospect at all, so it was definitely specific to him and the type of man he was/is. I don’t think I couldn’t attract someone else in the future but I don’t believe it would be someone I feel so strongly for or am as attracted to.

I really became attracted to his chivalry and kindness and adventurous attitude. He was a man’s man too, if you can understand, handy to do everything really and I was physically very attracted to him. He was very affectionate also.

I think he loved my kindness the most I guess, but he even had difficulty saying he loved me. But it was apparent to me through his actions. He also seemed to be very attracted to me and I’m not sure what else he loved about me. He used to say I’m kind, caring, smart, funny, competent…bla bla bla….but not sure now if that meant anything.

3- That’s an interesting point. I honestly don’t know. I do look back now and think….’gosh, not ONE guy in my life has ever thought I’m worth it!’, so maybe. I just feel lost and I’m unsure how or when the lost feeling will go away. A tad dramatic – but thoughts of dying with a broken heart spring to mind! Forgive me!

Brandy,

I don’t think you’re off at all. That may very well be the case. I did make our relationship the centre of my universe. I didn’t mean to, but I just loved spending time with him. But I do remember him asking me from time to time if I had any hobbies of my own. I used to feel pathetic when he said that! I bloody well had lots of friends and family and would be considered a social person but we didn’t see each other a lot so I tried to make time when I could to see him.

Ironically I told him that our relationship might become easier if we lived together because it would give me the opportunity to get involved in things I had pushed aside, with the knowledge that even if we were busy separately all day or evening, we’d wake up in the same bed.

I absolutely understand the pressure someone would feel if they believe they hold the key to your happiness. I understood this the first time we split and when we reunited I strived to be the fun, easy going woman he fell for originally. But my feelings kept growing and I kept wanting to move forward with him so you can only hold them at bay so long.

I will fully accept any contribution I made to the relationship not working out, but there are definitely issues on his part too. But he is not aware of them, so that’s the end of that.

I guess people at work would say I’m competent and to be honest, I have a boss who is covered a lot by things I take care of, but no-one is indispensable so I just try to keep a good worth ethic and keep my head down. In work, I’m not like in personal life, I would be assertive if I needed to be!

As for previous rejections, I don’t know what they felt wasn’t worth it. I don’t have specific things or traits in mind, but the evidence is what it is. They didn’t stick around so I wasn’t worth it for them, whatever the reason may be.

I try to be kind. Kindness is so under rated at times, if more people just thought about being kind a couple of moments a day, how it could change the world, or the world of one more person. But that’s just a side note about me I guess!

Brandy,

Thanks so much for your advice and help, I welcomed all your posts! I guess the crux of the problem is how do I accept the unacceptable?!

I will try all your tips and see how I get on. Maybe one day I’ll feel more inspirational and hopeful about the future. Right now, it eludes me. And when I’m stuck in a moment I can’t get out of, I feel I’m wasting the gift of life which has been given to me. It’s like a waste of a life on someone like me, who can’t embrace it fully.

Perhaps one day this will change. I can’t say at this point. Thanks again!