Hi Dan

Sorry to hear about the resentment and anger that you have been living with for the past couple of years.

I am glad to hear that you are ready to free yourself and now the magic will happen. All the healing that you need to do will come to you.

Just a few things that may help to bring clarity to your mind and situation:

– you know that anger, hatred and resentment is not healthy but you believe that your ex partner is responsible for it. This is not true in a spiritual sense. We are 100 % responsible for all our pain, miseries and sorrows. Your ex partner has done what she may be programmed to do for whatever reasons but you have allowed that pain to enter in your life. No one has the capacity to hurt us or harm us emotionally without our permission.

– once you are able to accept that our feelings and emotions are our own property and not something inflicted by others, you will figure out that it is not her who needs forgiving. You need to forgive yourself for causing all this pain over the last few years. You need the healing first instead of her. When you meditate, pls send healing to yourself and every cell which resides in your body and see the magic healing occur slowly but surely :).

– we landed on this planet on our own and will leave alone at the time of death, which means that everyone is on an individual journey. We cant change how people are around us or what they do with others. However, we can control our thoughts, reactions and actions to bring the most peace, love and happiness into our lives. Once our lives are filled with positivity and divinity, everything around us becomes the same.

– the purpose of every being is to be happy, loving and peaceful all the while enjoying this life’s journey. Nothing is permanent.

With this ending note, I send heaps of positive energy your way and can clearly visualise all your hatred, resentment and anger melting away including any dis-ease that you may have inherited while feeling this way.

Cheers

J

Dan,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how much pressure can build inside us. Sometimes when we feel powerless, helpless, we grasp onto anger, resentment and violence as a means of trying to regain our power, our strength. This a poor choice, however, because more violence is done to ourselves, and we expend our power in the fiery chaos of hatred. Buddha taught that anger was like a hot coal we grab onto with the intention of throwing it at someone, but the hand that actually burns is our own. Said differently, imagining punching her dad or cousin, cutting off some guys penis, or any number of horrible violent wishes you make only increases your pain.

Chogyam Trungpa called your cycle “negative negativity”. Basically, sometimes our pain becomes so intense that we feel our anger is justified, so we cling to it. Instead of seeing how the violence we imagine hurts us, harms our tender heart and mind, we hold tight to it, as though it protects us, as though it belongs there. For instance, “she had sex with a man while pregnant with my son” seems to produce an overwhelming need to beat someone up, cut and maim someone. But, that type of blossom is not inherent, it doesn’t have to be there. Its ugly in its arising, ugly in its staying, and ugly on its leaving. Said differently, when you become enraged, it hurts your mind and heart even if you don’t act on it, but even more so if you did. If you went and cut off that mans penis, what would really happen? Would it make anything better? Would it heal your tender heart? Would it solve your fear of being unimportant and ignored? Nope. It would become just one more cause of your suffering, one more thorn in your foot.

The solution is to cut it out. Murder that anger, destroy it, throw all your weight and strength against it and grind it into the dust. Its a shit-caked downward spiral, and to pull out of it requires strength. Much like in old aircraft, pilots sometimes would hurt their arms from the exertion of trying to pull out of a nose dive, so must we crash our will against our negative negativity.

If I were in her shoes, I would not have been as kind to you. Had you approached me with the venom in your heart, threats of violence and aggression (plus god knows what else you have said and done not reported here), you would not be welcome in my or my child’s life. If you went to the courts, I would of course submit to the greater will, but only what was required of me. That would be my right, my responsibility to protect our child from you and your venom. If you could cut off some balls or kill my father, what horror might you inflict upon our child? What kind of demon are you? My fear would be rational, my boundaries protective and appropriate. You act as though I would have done this to you, placed this anger inside your chest, but that’s not going to cut it, not going to work on me. You own your own feelings, and I owe you nothing. Nothing! Sure, perhaps I could be kinder, more understanding of your side, but let’s face it… we dont lean into a rampaging bull to give it a kiss.

So there you sit, throwing a temper tantrum like a little boy with grown up muscles, ideas and plans, but a child nonetheless. You see some people building a sandcastle that they don’t want you to play with, and your gut flashing rage is to go kick it over, teach them not to mess with you, not to ignore you. Instead of building your own sandcastle, you sit and stew in bitterness, and wish theirs would burn, erode… that they feel the same hurt you feel. Then what an incredible amount of creativity comes up of just how you could bring suffering to them, punish them, destroy them.

Ick. Really ick. Look at it, sure, breathe it in, and then blow that shit out, son. It ain’t the way. Consider a different approach.

Consider that a Buddha, someone with no self grasping, no pushy desires were to experience her and her choices, they would see something very different. They would see the girl, scared and lost, looking for safety. Reaching out unskillfully sometimes, but still a sister that cycles through emotions just like everyone else. After the delivery, a Buddha would have deep compassion for her and her child. Its scary to be a parent, especially when the dad is violent or abusive. Its difficult to give birth, ten centimeters doesn’t seem like all that much, until its getting pushed out your cervix and vagina. Tearing, cutting, stretching, pushing, weeping, screaming… hours and hours that girl’s body thrashed and moaned. (Or, her abdomen was sliced open with knives). In the spaciousness of compassion, a Buddha would be supportive, helpful. Not “do this or that, be this or that, how could you do this or that”… just “be peaceful, rest, sleep… your body just went through a big thing, try to rest, relax”.

In contrast, what did Dan have? “Oh my freaking god, she waited 8 hours? I’m less important than Facebook?” Where the understanding? Wheres the caring? Why so selfish? Said differently, when we can see what a compassionate response actually looks like, we can begin to actually heal, actually begin to relate to what is going on with us, what our pain is that makes us selfish. At the birth, for instance, perhaps you feel like because you donated the genetic material, you should have been called first. But you aren’t a part of her life, not really… so it makes sense that shed share it with her loved ones first. Be glad she told you after only 5 months, some fathers don’t hear for years. I actually found out about a niece I have a few months ago (her mom cheated on her husband with my brother) and she just turned 7. So for 6 years, nothing. And you get all twisted up over 8 hours? Get some perspective, man!

Finally, consider trying to set aside the puzzle of forgiveness for a little while and switch to self nurturing. Be kind to yourself, gentle to yourself. Perhaps get some therapy. Spend time sitting and intentionally relaxing in a quiet, soft space. A bathtub, soft music, nature walk, meditation cushion. Thus fiery anger comes from stress, and letting the stress settle can make things much, much simpler. My favorite is metta meditation, which is simple, direct, and often like a soothing cool glass of water for our angry fire. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

I hope you find peace and contentment, friend, and I hope nothing stung too badly. When we break a bone and it heals wrong, we often have to rebreak it to set it right. The pain here is just that, just try to breathe it out, scream it out, or whatever you need to do, but let the pattern of negativity go. It harms you far more than she has, than anyone else could… and you don’t need it.

With warmth,
Matt

Thanks Matt for your beautiful insight 🙂

I am glad Dan that you are able to relate to Matt’s wisdom. He is an amazing soul with so much simplicity in his words.

Dan, wish you all the best in your journey and I am sure one day, you will be past all of this and living a conscious life. In my personal opinion, spirituality provides all the answers to your grievances but for that you will need to be ready for this knowledge. When the time is right, it will come to you. On a positive note, I feel your healing has already started so keep up with the good work.

Cheers,

J

Dan,

This is a very difficult situation and I can only imagine the heaviness that you feel in your heart and the pain you carry. Let me start by saying that no matter how angry you are revenge will not make you feel better, as it will only add to the void that is inside of you. You cannot combat darkness with darkness only with light and love. You see she is damaged and a damaged person doesn’t have the capacity to understand that their actions cause havoc in the lives of others and they end up hurting those whom they love the most. What has been done to you is not fair and you deserved to be a part of this child’s introduction into the world, but that time has passed and it is never coming back. However what you do have is the present and I pray a long wonderful future with the blessing that is your son. Anger is an emotion that cannot be kept contained and it can destroy all that it touches, even your innocent son. Let the anger go not just for you but for him, so that the two of you can bond and grow and love one another without the interference of the baggage of the past. You deserve a better life, and forgiveness lightens and frees.

There is a saying that I have heard many times “It takes a strong person to say sorry, but an even stronger person to forgive.” I will be praying for you and this situation and may God touch your heart help you find a way.

Natalie