Dear cass:

If you asked him(“I want to text him so  bad and ask why he led me on for so  long”), he may not tell you the truth, if he answers you. When he reassured you that he was still into you when you asked him if he was, seems like he lied, correct?

If so, he is not likely to tell you the truth. When the truth is unpleasant to share, people often choose not to.

I can understand your frustration and heartbreak to find out that he has recently given another woman a girlfriend title while refusing to do so when he was with you. Let’s look into that:

you wrote, “We were about 45 minutes away from each other… It became increasingly hard to see each other because he was busy with work and I had school”-

is it possible that he gave her the title of girlfriend because she lives maybe 5 or 10 minutes away from him which makes it easy for him to see her often?

anita

Dear cass:

You are welcome.

If you are considering that the fact that she happens to live closer to him “could definitely be the reason why he was willing to move so fast with her”, then it is physical distance that is the reason, not that there is something wrong with you, isn’t it?

Notice this: at the beginning of your post, you wrote “We were both conveniently moving to the same relative area around the same time so we thought it would work”- physical distance was a significant factor all along, for him (as well as for you).

A second point: you wrote in your recent post, “It makes me feel like he never really had strong feelings for me like he portrayed if he was so easily able to move on”- not necessarily so. Sometimes people have such strong feelings to one person, that when separated from that person, they rush to a new relationship, to a second person,  so to … forget their strong feelings about the first.

You wrote earlier, “We would constantly argue about me going out to parties, what I would wear… He would also always say things implying that I would leave him for a younger/more attractive guy and was very worried that I would cheat on him”-

Maybe he feels less threatened by the idea that the new woman in his life will leave him, maybe he feels safer with her because she doesn’t go out to parties, and she dresses and looks less attractive (in his mind) than you do. Can that be?

anita

Dear cass:

Your last question is: “Why not pick the person they have stronger feelings for?”

In my suggestion that maybe he felt less threatened by his girlfriend than he did with you (let’s say she doesn’t go to parties without him and you did), this means he feels less fear with her than he felt with you. Fear is an undesirable emotion.

He may have felt a strong attraction or attachment to you, but if he also felt fear, then fear was a greater motivator: people run away from what (or who) they fear.

I was wondering: did you experience these feelings before this relationship, as a child perhaps, that you are inadequate, that someone else is better than you, chosen over you (“inadequate…how she might be better than me, why he chose her, etc.”)

anita

Dear cass:

You have a core belief, then, a belief formed early in life that you are “less than other people”. So what happens is you have this last relationship. The man you were involved with has a girlfriend now and did not refer to you as his girlfriend then because she lives closer and/ or because she doesn’t attend parties without him, not because you are inadequate and less than her.

But because you believe that you are (a belief formed before you met this man), you project this belief into this situation. And so, you reject all the logical possibilities in favor of this core belief.

This core belief will continue to project itself into your life situations as it does into this one until you challenge this core belief. To challenge it, to confront it and question it, got to go back to the time it was formed.

This can and should be done in quality psychotherapy. If you would like to share here about when and how this core belief was formed, please do.

anita