Home→Forums→Relationships→Struggling to move on from a toxic relationship
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April 30, 2018 at 1:46 am #204811
AnonymousGuestDear Cass:
Did you meet the guy in 2016 (original post)? In any case, you met him when you were 18, had a 7 month relationship, and now you are 19. You are very young.
You believe that the guy is immature, withdraws when angry, blow up and then ignore you, hot and cold, similar to your father. You indicated it yourself, that he is similar to your father.
But you are different, correct? You don’t withdraw when angry, you don’t blow up like the guy did, like your father does. You are mature… like your mother?
anita
April 30, 2018 at 2:55 am #204827
cassParticipantAnita,
No, i met him in 2017. I turned 19 a month after meeting him. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself mature. I have things I need to work on as well. But I would say I tried to talk things out with him which was met with silence or more snarky responses most of the time.
Cass
April 30, 2018 at 3:23 am #204833AnonymousGuestDear Cass:
Back to the topic in your original post, why he chose to have her as his girlfriend and not you, during the seven months relationship, reads to me that he was very bothered by your lifestyle, that is, going to parties on your own, staying up at friend’s place until 4 am and such. He was very worried that because of this lifestyle (and the clothes you wear, if I remember correctly), you will cheat on him. It makes sense then, that he is likely to feel safer with a woman who does not party and who has an earlier bed time than 4 am. Maybe she dresses differently and looks less attractive, less attention getting.
And so, with a safer woman, he was ready to present her in social media and otherwise as his girlfriend.
Does that make sense to you?
anita
April 30, 2018 at 3:42 am #204835cassParticipantAnita,
Yes, this makes sense. Just a little hard to accept but I suppose more break ups are. I have suspicions that he cheated on me, and it makes me wonder why he would do that when he was so worried I would do it to him. Seems a bit unfair that he expected me not to cheat on him (which i never would) but then goes to cheat on me.
Cass
April 30, 2018 at 3:46 am #204837cassParticipantTo clarify, by cheating I mean that I think he began talking to and seeing his current girlfriend before he and I ended.
April 30, 2018 at 4:08 am #204841AnonymousGuestDear Cass:
There were break ups and getting back together before the final break up. A month and a half after the final break up is when he had a girlfriend.
You wrote earlier that you are “almost certain that they began talking either before him and I ended or immediately after we ended”
Talking only, with a girl at any time isn’t cheating. If he met a girl and flirted during one of those break ups that isn’t cheating. If he started dating immediately after the final break up, this isn’t cheating either.
It is only a suspicion that you have, no evidence to support it, none whatsoever.
By the way, since you tell your mother everything, you must have told her about this. What did she say, what was her input?
anita
April 30, 2018 at 4:14 am #204845cassParticipantAnita,
Well the reason I had suspicions was because while we were still talking, there was a picture posted and he was out with her at one of her friends birthday lunches. I didn’t give it much thought at the time but found it odd after. But you’re right, I just have my suspicions.
Yeah she knows everything. I think she’s a little done hearing me talk about it, as are all my friends and probably you haha. It just helps me process things to talk about them until I can’t anymore. She thinks he’s an asshole but she’s my mother so of course she does. She’s always told me that I forgave him too easily when we were together and should’ve stuck up for myself more.
Cass
April 30, 2018 at 4:25 am #204849AnonymousGuestDear Cass:
Doesn’t read like an a*^%% to me. I may be wrong, of course. Don’t have enough information. From what I have, I don’t see it. Not yet anyway.
No, I am not done earing you talk about this. How do you believe (do you?) that you should have stuck up for yourself more than you did? What would you have done differently?
anita
April 30, 2018 at 4:38 am #204857cassParticipantAnita,
It was just the way that he would speak to me sometimes. He was cold and rude and hurtful when he wanted to be. He was a self-proclaimed asshole. All my friends and mother would say that the things he said to me sometimes were awful but because I was so into him, I ignored it.
I think I should’ve stuck my ground more. Whenever I would bring up a problem I was having with out relationship, he would either explain it away and make me feel like I was being silly for bringing it up even though it was a valid concern. Or he would get really angry and shut down which made me feel shitty and would usually lead to me reaching out and apologizing even when I had nothing to apologize for. I think I would have walked away sooner if I could go back. I think that part of me liked the drama in some weird twisted way. I don’t know. I don’t know why I stuck around for so long.
I’m a little confused why he would continue a relationship with me if my lifestyle bothered him so much. I feel like he should’ve walked away sooner instead continuing a relationship with he that he saw no future in. I think I’m just confused because he told his friends about me and spoke about me often from what he told me but never wanted to make it official. Then he meets a girl and is completely willing to be in a relationship with her so quickly but strung me along for 7 months. It feels like I was a cushion until he found someone that he actually saw a future with. Its confusing because just a couple weeks before he was telling me that he has a big heart for me, loved me, and was so lucky to have me. I understand that it was maybe my lifestyle that was preventing him from making it official but if he told his friends about me, why was it such a jump to just put a label on it. Maybe he was embarrassed about the age thing? But then it goes back to, why even pursue anything with me if age was such a problem.
Cass
April 30, 2018 at 4:49 am #204859AnonymousGuestDear Cass:
Can you give me an example of something rude he told you?
You asked: if he was embarrassed about the age thing, why peruse anything… if he told his friends about you, why didn’t he make it official, since he told you he had a big heart for you, why break up with you two weeks later.
These are good questions to ask if people were purely logical beings. But we are primarily emotional. This is why one can ask: why did you continue with him even though he was rude with you, even though he refused to make it official, and so on.
Because we are primarily emotional beings, not logical robots. Back to your questions about him, here are possible answers: because he was emotionally attached to you, because he was conflicted, because he was afraid, because he was angry, because .. he felt this or that.
Back to my first question on this post…?
anita
April 30, 2018 at 5:06 am #204861cassParticipantWell during valentines day I asked him if we were going to do anything and he asked if we could do it another day because he hates celebrating valentines day and I told him that was fine as long as he actually planned something and went through with it (he had a problem of cancelling our plans). Well he got really angry and went off on me telling me that I was making him feel sh*tty after he had a great training session and that I dont f*cking understand and that I should go find some other f*cking dude and that he was f*cking done. There were many more f*cks said in the messages. He also said not to even bother responding because he was f*cking done. I still responded and he didnt reply. I think texted him the next day trying to fix it as usual but he did not respond again. We didnt speak after that and then 3 days later, he responded to something I posted on my snapchat story as if nothing happened. No apology, nothing. That was one of the times we ended because I told him I couldn’t do it anymore then ended up getting back together a week later because I missed him and I just felt really attached to him.
I tried to walk away many times, hence the on and off part of the relationship. It was mostly me who ended it. I just really felt like I loved him and I still feel that way which is making it hard to move on. I never told him I loved him and sometimes I wish I did because I really think that people shouldn’t be scared to say things like that but I was. I was scared he would hurt me and he did.
I wish there were a way I could get answers because these questions just cycle through my head over and over everyday constantly. But I also know it would probably just hurt me more to reach out to him.
April 30, 2018 at 5:20 am #204865AnonymousGuestDear Cass:
Regarding the example you gave me, he showed verbal aggression, clearly, by using the f word, for one. And he showed anger, clearly, telling you that he is done. My question is in this example, were you aggressive toward him in covert ways, not directly and clearly like he was with you?
You wrote that you “told him that was fine as long as he actually planned something and went through with it“- did you say the italicized part in a complaining, accusatory, slightly angry kind of a way?
* And did he cancel plans because of his work schedule, maybe a changing and demanding schedule?
anita
May 1, 2018 at 3:11 am #205019cassParticipantAnita,
By that point, I was really fed up with him always cancelling which he knew so yeah I’m sure it came off as accusatory and at the time, I was upset as well. It wasn’t that he got upset that bothered me, it was the way he would show his anger that was a problem because that wasn’t the first time he has reacted that way.
We had completely opposite schedules. I has class during the day and by the time I was done, he had work until around 10pm. The only time we could hang out was after he got off of work but whenever he was supposed to come see me, he always had a reason as to why he couldn’t come. We would go weeks without seeing each other even though we only lived about 45 minutes from each other. We both had weekends off but he never really made plans with me on the weekends even when he said he would.
By talking this through with you (the break up and relationship), I feel like I’m starting to see that realistically it was never going to work. I think that maybe we brought out the worst in each other shown by the constant fighting, jealousy, and insecurities on both sides. He always seemed to have a problem with our age difference and I think that maybe he didn’t want to make it official because he was worried of what his friends and family might think about him dating someone who is only 19 and in college. Distance also always played a large role and was the center of most of our arguments. Towards the end, he would make comments like “the distance is just really hard”, “we don’t make time to see each other”, “the distance makes it hard” in regards to him being able to trust me.
I guess I’m just struggling to accept this because I really cared about him. As much as I believe that he deserves someone that he can have a real future with, it hurts me to think about him being happier with someone else. It was the first time I had felt so attached and had such strong feeling for someone. Even though we weren’t good for each other and there were many problems, the thought of him made me happy and it really hurts me to see him live with out me. This has all just been hard to process.
Cass
May 1, 2018 at 4:26 am #205025AnonymousGuestDear Cass:
Having read your opposite schedules at the time, in combination with the distance between the two of you, I agree with you that “realistically it was never going to work”.
A few of my thoughts that may be helpful to you:
1. In the context of the relationship and the break up, his pre-existing fears of rejection and abandonment awakened and your being-less-than pre-existing feelings were awakened. These italicized were not products of the relationship. They were awakened in the context of the relationship and breakup.
2. Regarding you, the ex and anger: in your example, you wrote: “I told him that was fine as long as he actually planned something and went through with it… Well he got really angry and went off on me telling me…” It read as if you were calm and he got angry. But later, you added regarding you part in that verbal exchange, before his angry reaction: “I’m sure it came off as accusatory and at the time, I was upset as well”.
So reality is you expressed your anger at him and then he expressed his anger at you.
You wrote: “It wasn’t that he got upset that bothered me, it was the way he would show his anger that was a problem” – this leads me to wonder, what way of showing his anger would have been acceptable to you.
Would it have been acceptable to you if he too “came off as accusatory” as you did, instead of using the f word?
And what if your way of expressing your anger, coming off accusatory but not directly stating the accusation, what if your way is not acceptable to him.
3. Regarding your mother, your father, you and anger: you wrote that your mother “always says to not marry someone older… she resents these qualities in my father. She doesn’t seem interested in doing anything with him…My father is the kind of person that talks at you rather than to you which causes her to just stay quiet”-
it is not that your father is angry at your mother in isolation. She is angry with him too. They are both angry at each other and they both express their anger in different ways. You may be aware of his way of expressing his anger and not like his way. And you may not be aware of how your mother expresses her anger toward him. But notice: your mother’s ways of expressing anger at your father have been so unpleasant to him that he has been withdrawing from her company for many years.
You are angry at your father, not at your mother, based on the belief that the state of their marriage is his fault because of his ways of expressing anger. In reality, the state of their marriage is both of their fault and her ways of expressing anger may be as distressing to most people as his ways.
anita
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