Dear Sophia:

People’s cruel comment go a long way in damaging the receiver of such. And cruelty is widespread, including the common habit of making fun of other people for their physical appearance. It is something people do, unfortunately, and a whole lot. It can be any imperfection that is made fun of: if not the face then the body or the way a person walks or eats or… something.

You wrote in your last line that this sounds crazy, not to me: it sounds common, unfortunately “normal”- making fun of people, pointing to physical imperfections is widespread. I know a woman who made fun of other people’s appearance on a regular basis while carrying herself a history where she was made fun of for her physical appearance. She felt terrible about the way she looked, so she relieved herself of that distress temporarily by making fun of others’.

If you see this as a widespread pattern of behavior, maybe you will take it less personally. Next time you get a comment like that, if you do, ask the person: are you satisfied with how you look? Is there anything imperfect about the way you look? Would you like it if I pointed it to you? And… what good would it do for you if I pointed it out to you?

It boggles the mind, this cruelty, as if the person chose the size and shape of their physical features (other than losing weight and getting in physical shape), and as if upon receiving criticism can change those.

Even regarding losing weight and exercising, negative criticism is discouraging and harming, not encouraging and helpful.

I am sorry you too suffer from such cruelty. When you get a chance encountering it again, stand up for yourself. And as you live day to day, stand up to the part of you that internalized those comments.

Post again anytime.

anita

In that case, people say things all the time. Just because somebody said something doesn’t make it true. You did not confront the people who made comments on your appearance and it’s okay that you didn’t. Even they must have their shortcomings.

You eat well, are healthy and look well-presented. Why be afraid to have your photograph taken? It’ll take a while but you’ll figure out how to smile for the camera.

well I want to say hi to anita too!

for Sophia,
you asked is there a technique you can stop yourself from focusing on the way you look? you can always decide what you want. don’t bother about others’ comments about you. we had all been there before. Can we stop their mouth from pouring out more intoxicating words that are destructive enough to ruin your self esteem? we can’t. what we can do is to take it easy.or you can do your best to avoid contact with the people that are criticizing you.if there’s really no way to avoid them and the situation is getting worse , you will have to confront them. Ask them to stop it and tell them you are not feeling ok about it. There are many other things you can concentrate on. You can focus on whether you want to continue to further studies, spend time to achieve something in your career, or even on your hobbies. Enjoying your life can definitely help you to feel good . You feel insecure . The truth is most of us do. Chances are the people who ridiculed you are feeling insecure too. Don’t feel that you are alienated and consider yourself as underachiever or not as good as the others.No one is perfect but we can always work hard to improve ourselves in a healthy way. Accept our flaw and live with it!

Dear Sophia,

Like you I am very competitive academically and although I play sports and am good with them, my grades are better. I have often compared myself to other people thinking that I’m not as good enough as they are. I also find it hard to form close relationships with people because I’m always wondering what they think of me. In my school, I often see the valedictorians, athletes and the pretty and popular get all the attention while I tend to fade in the background. Most of the time when I feel insecure, I have a journal in which I will write down my feelings and meditate on them. I will ask myself questions like “Why am I feeling this way now? What has prompted me to feel this way? Does this feeling help me in any way? How can I release this feeling if it is negative?” Sometimes I find that it is easier to deal with words on paper than in your mind because it’s like putting the insubstantial into physical terms. Often times I will write about when I am feeling sad and often I use colors to help such as red for anger, blue for sadness and possibly yellow for fear. I will dwelve and figure out why I feel this way and then I will rip the paper or burn it and then bury the ashes. I find that journaling my feelings I can have insight on my thoughts and feelings, telling when I am happy or sad. Oftentimes I see a pattern between the times of happiness and sadness. I have realized the reason I am quite criticizing of myself is that I have also been told I am not pretty enough, strong enough or smart enough. I realize that when I see someone I dislike, I realize I never want to be like them and I take much precautions not to be like them that I lose myself. Yet, the limits that you let others put on you or you put on yourself as a result of others will only hinder you from being your true self. I also write down the talents I have, so I can remind myself of the special person I am. I think the most important thing is to spend time with yourself in self-reflection, to figure out what you really want and also to write down and keep track of your thoughts. Oftentimes our minds race with thoughts that we seem to be unaware of and if we write them down, we put them in a physical form that we can control. Remember you are a special person and always in control.