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Struggling with my appearance

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  • #105665
    Sophia
    Participant

    I’m really suffering with some insecurities at the moment.

    When I was growing up, other people my age would always make comments to me about the way that I look. I was very academic, but not popular in school; I was largely ignored by my peers and often made fun of by the ‘cool kids’ for being ‘ugly’. These kinds of comments have continued into my adult life, and I’m often told things like I’m ‘unconventional looking’ or ‘sort-of pretty but not in an obvious way’.

    I don’t always know if people realize, but these kind of comments really affect my self-confidence and the way that I perceive myself. I have social anxiety and find it really hard to form relationships with other people. I don’t know whether or not I am attractive, but the way that I feel about my looks really affects the way that I am able to live my life and interact with other people on a day-to-day basis. I wish that I could leave the past in the past, but feeling like other people think I’m ugly has really distorted my perception of myself – I wish at the time I’d had more courage to confront people about how they were making me feel.

    I always wonder if the way people treat me is down to the way that I look – maybe this is in my head. I know that there is much more to a person than their physical appearance, but the way I feel about myself has such a huge impact on the way I live my life. I just hide away and hope that people won’t notice me for the wrong reasons – I don’t even allow my friends or family to take photographs of me that include my face.

    My question is, what techniques can I use to stop focusing on the way that I look (or even better to start liking the way that I look), so that I can move on with my life and start feeling more confident about myself, and around other people? I know this sounds crazy, but I don’t know how to get over it.

    S

    #105669
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophia:

    People’s cruel comment go a long way in damaging the receiver of such. And cruelty is widespread, including the common habit of making fun of other people for their physical appearance. It is something people do, unfortunately, and a whole lot. It can be any imperfection that is made fun of: if not the face then the body or the way a person walks or eats or… something.

    You wrote in your last line that this sounds crazy, not to me: it sounds common, unfortunately “normal”- making fun of people, pointing to physical imperfections is widespread. I know a woman who made fun of other people’s appearance on a regular basis while carrying herself a history where she was made fun of for her physical appearance. She felt terrible about the way she looked, so she relieved herself of that distress temporarily by making fun of others’.

    If you see this as a widespread pattern of behavior, maybe you will take it less personally. Next time you get a comment like that, if you do, ask the person: are you satisfied with how you look? Is there anything imperfect about the way you look? Would you like it if I pointed it to you? And… what good would it do for you if I pointed it out to you?

    It boggles the mind, this cruelty, as if the person chose the size and shape of their physical features (other than losing weight and getting in physical shape), and as if upon receiving criticism can change those.

    Even regarding losing weight and exercising, negative criticism is discouraging and harming, not encouraging and helpful.

    I am sorry you too suffer from such cruelty. When you get a chance encountering it again, stand up for yourself. And as you live day to day, stand up to the part of you that internalized those comments.

    Post again anytime.

    anita

    #105670
    Ankita
    Participant

    Hi!
    I think there is something else to look into before you get to liking how you look. You said that people don’t understand how their comments make you feel. I don’t think anyone can take your side and say that people should say nicer things. It happens to all of us, ALL OF US. Lots of people have said unkind things about the me and I have said unkind things about other people. Let it go, don’t take it to your heart. Doesn’t matter. And the comments mentioned in your post don’t seem soooo awful to make you feel sad.

    I don’t think your insecurity will get resolved if people say nicer things (and I am getting the feeling that’s what you want though you didn’t say that.) I think it would get resolved if you feel comfortable in your skin. Are you?

    What do you like to do? Perhaps you will find company in those places of interest. What’s more, you may feel relaxed in general.

    About looks, taking care of yourself is not such a vain thing to do. It’s your body, your face that also needs to be taken care of. You don’t have to go to the parlour or use makeup, that’s your choice. Clear skin, clean hair and clean eyes and you’re set. There is no need to look like a glamorous star but it’s fun to look nice.

    Maybe if you put in an effort to look good, you might find out that you are prettier than you thought.

    #105676
    Sophia
    Participant

    Thanks for your comment – to clarify; I do spend a fair amount of time working on my appearance. I eat well, I am healthy and well-presented.

    I am a recent graduate and a professional individual, so always make sure I look smart, clean and well-dressed, etc.

    Thanks for the advice anyway! Very kind :).

    #105677
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sophia:

    Is your above reply for me? I did not suggest you work on your appearance because I don’t think the rude comments by others are based on your appearance at all. Maybe I should clarify my position on your topic here: it is a widespread behavior for people to make rude comments on other people’s appearance, pointing to any imperfection and making fun of the person for that imperfection. Not all people do that, but a whole lot of people do so and EVERY ONE of the people who are doing so, are wrong; every person doing that is cruel and should stop this abusive behavior.

    By being on the receiving end of such comments, you are a victim. No matter what, it is never the right thing to make rude comments about someone’s appearance. All it does is damage. And just because so many people do it, does not mean it is right. It is very wrong.

    anita

    #105678
    Ankita
    Participant

    In that case, people say things all the time. Just because somebody said something doesn’t make it true. You did not confront the people who made comments on your appearance and it’s okay that you didn’t. Even they must have their shortcomings.

    You eat well, are healthy and look well-presented. Why be afraid to have your photograph taken? It’ll take a while but you’ll figure out how to smile for the camera.

    #105773
    Cheaw Hon
    Participant

    Hi Sophia!
    I really can relate with your situation. I had been given names for the way I looked and how much I weighed , how I dressed myself or even what kind of school bag I used (they prefer branded ones )etc. You know what this is perfectly normal. People condescend others to make themselves feel good. Other times they’re just having fun gossiping without regarding the impact they can do to us. Sometimes they are unaware that they had hurt us, sometimes they did it on purpose to provoke us. Just because I’m academically excellent and I’m not good in socializing with other people, people often stereotyped me as a ‘Nerd’ . Well yeah I’m a nerd, so what? we can be anyone we want to be, no one can label us with their own measurements. Love yourself, you need to learn how to embrace who you are. You are healthy, looking smart and you’re a graduate ! That sounds good to me 🙂 you should be confident about yourself! Don’t let others ‘ poisonous word lower your self esteem. You are fine just the way you are. You will only be able to feel genuinely happy when you fully accept yourself . Do not avoid taking pictures with others, it is not a competition of who’s looking good, taking photos is just a way to keep our memories recorded. If you do avoid, you are actually giving cues to others showing them indirectly that you are not confident about yourself .

    #105775
    Cheaw Hon
    Participant

    well I want to say hi to anita too!

    for Sophia,
    you asked is there a technique you can stop yourself from focusing on the way you look? you can always decide what you want. don’t bother about others’ comments about you. we had all been there before. Can we stop their mouth from pouring out more intoxicating words that are destructive enough to ruin your self esteem? we can’t. what we can do is to take it easy.or you can do your best to avoid contact with the people that are criticizing you.if there’s really no way to avoid them and the situation is getting worse , you will have to confront them. Ask them to stop it and tell them you are not feeling ok about it. There are many other things you can concentrate on. You can focus on whether you want to continue to further studies, spend time to achieve something in your career, or even on your hobbies. Enjoying your life can definitely help you to feel good . You feel insecure . The truth is most of us do. Chances are the people who ridiculed you are feeling insecure too. Don’t feel that you are alienated and consider yourself as underachiever or not as good as the others.No one is perfect but we can always work hard to improve ourselves in a healthy way. Accept our flaw and live with it!

    #107212
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    There are few people who are “ugly” (I would tend to toss toothless meth-heads into that category). It would be nice if people kept such comments to themselves. Unfortunately, they feel the need to make themselves seem better by putting people down. If it helps you feel better, there is nothing wrong with being “pretty in an unconventional way”. I would suggest that you keep your feelings in mind when dealing with any potential future partner and any perceptions of less than perfectness that you might have of them.

    From what you typed, you seem like a great person. You don’t deserve to live life with a figurative paper bag over your head, unless you happen to be a Cleveland Browns fan…

    #107290
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Sophia,

    Like you I am very competitive academically and although I play sports and am good with them, my grades are better. I have often compared myself to other people thinking that I’m not as good enough as they are. I also find it hard to form close relationships with people because I’m always wondering what they think of me. In my school, I often see the valedictorians, athletes and the pretty and popular get all the attention while I tend to fade in the background. Most of the time when I feel insecure, I have a journal in which I will write down my feelings and meditate on them. I will ask myself questions like “Why am I feeling this way now? What has prompted me to feel this way? Does this feeling help me in any way? How can I release this feeling if it is negative?” Sometimes I find that it is easier to deal with words on paper than in your mind because it’s like putting the insubstantial into physical terms. Often times I will write about when I am feeling sad and often I use colors to help such as red for anger, blue for sadness and possibly yellow for fear. I will dwelve and figure out why I feel this way and then I will rip the paper or burn it and then bury the ashes. I find that journaling my feelings I can have insight on my thoughts and feelings, telling when I am happy or sad. Oftentimes I see a pattern between the times of happiness and sadness. I have realized the reason I am quite criticizing of myself is that I have also been told I am not pretty enough, strong enough or smart enough. I realize that when I see someone I dislike, I realize I never want to be like them and I take much precautions not to be like them that I lose myself. Yet, the limits that you let others put on you or you put on yourself as a result of others will only hinder you from being your true self. I also write down the talents I have, so I can remind myself of the special person I am. I think the most important thing is to spend time with yourself in self-reflection, to figure out what you really want and also to write down and keep track of your thoughts. Oftentimes our minds race with thoughts that we seem to be unaware of and if we write them down, we put them in a physical form that we can control. Remember you are a special person and always in control.

    #331643
    ronja
    Participant

    hello dear,

    what you have is called bdd. i wicth is very serius. its other ppl that put you through this. pp e are ugly-not you.

    you will recieve good karma about this in this life to feel and get beautiful or in next life. when you get reborn.

    what you think about youre self is what others will think about you.  so of you can use the law of attraction. thoink that you are beautiful and others will see you as that.

    love from me.

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