Dear Katherine:

“At the beginning of December 2023 I met someone… About a month ago I confronted the fact we were not yet in a relationship… he is moving for a year and then off to medical school…. He doesn’t want to commit to me if he can’t give me his all. I get it. We decided to just date each other and create positive memories until he moves in August… My issue is this: do I stay and make memories and connect deeply with this man, or do I choose self-respect and go”-

– always choose self respect!

The problem with the first option (staying with him through August, and creating memories with him), is that I don’t see- and please correct me if I am wrong- how can you create good memories, in your own mind, when you are aware, every day you’re with him, that he is going to leave in 4 or 5 months, while not willing to commit to a long-distance relationship with you…?

I would imagine that you’d be too anxious and upset to.. create pleasant memories…?

It seems like a good choice for him to not commit to a long-distance relationship at this time (especially given that he has experience with a LDR),  so that he can focus on his studies, and not be distracted by a romantic relationship. It is your job to make a good choice for yourself, and self-respect is always the right choice.

“Totally lost and sad.“- keep posting here, and let me know of your thoughts and feelings over time, and we can talk about it, will you?

anita

Hi Katherine,

The one thing that really stuck out for me about your dilemma was your own observation of  “the fact that he cannot not pick me”.  That was a loaded statement. I would explore that and as to why you feel that way. Sometimes we push away something good because a past pain still resides within us and we react from that pain. He seems like a reasonable man who has given much thought and consideration to the situation. As an outsider I understand very well his position of needing to and wanting to dedicate intense discipline and time to his studies; medicine is a very involved and serious discipline.

I would appreciate his wisdom and insight which signals that he does not make decisions lightly and demonstrates much maturity. It sounds like the very things you like about him is what has you upset! That is why I recommend exploring that further within yourself and you might come to a different understanding and appreciate his reasoning, or decide that it would be too painful for you to continue.

I have lived many decades, and the decisions I have most regretted were the ones I did not give a fair chance and always wondered, ‘what would have happened if I would not have chosen silly pride and waited to see what could have been’. Would you wonder years from now what would have happened if you would have followed through on your agreement and continued dating for a few more months? A lot can happen in a few months – you may even realize you change your mind about him and are ready to let it go because he is not what you want after all.

When he does move away it will give both of you the chance to really identify and confirm how you really feel about each other – out of sight out of mind or can’t get you out of my mind!

You are still very young, yet also very insightful. It sounds like he has treated you well and with respect, as you have been with him. You might be able to reconnect with him later in life when you both are ready for a strong relationship.

I wish you both the best and hope the clarity you both seek shows up in just the right way. Blessings!