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Stuck in an unhealthy friendship.

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  • April 4, 2019 at 11:33 am #287579
    Ingrid
    Participant

    So about 1 year ago I became friends with this girl in my classroom. When I was trying to be friends with her I actually had this one extremly toxic bff which always made fun of my insecurities,and I felt like this new girl was my only escape and that she would make a great friend. Let’s call her ”Orange”

    I slowly got to know her,she was really pretty,we almost had nothing in common but got along really well. We ended up sharing everything really,from food and cosmetics, we also took up eachothers interests. There were many times when she said hurtful things,obvious red flags,but I was too ,,friend sick” and brushed them off like they were nothing.

    From the start my friendship with Orange was making me hide a lot about myself. I think this was mostly my mistake. I hid what music interests I had since I knew she’d make fun of it,I hid a lot of stuff im interested in,and I lied to myself like that for months until now.

    We would go EVERYWHERE together,it became kinda stressful especially because I am more of an ambivert and even though I like to hang out,it can get really tiring and I need time with myself,which she never gave me even though I talked to her about it. Everytime I tried to open up about my mental ilness or family problems,she would judge me,say nothing or say ”Ok,and what should I even say about that? lol” but if she had problems,they were the biggest problem of the world and she would get SO mad at me if I didn’t make a big deal about it and sugar coat her.

    She made fun and never took me serious about my first love which recently broke my heart,the times I was sexually harassed or the times her brother’s friend made really inappropiate comments to me when they are way older than me. That hurt me the most.

    I got sick of it. Now for the past month I can’t help but be depressed,I hang out less with her but we constantly argue at school. She makes me feel bad about myself.  If there’s something I learnt from this it’s that,no matter how much you appreciate.love and  look up to someone,you always must keep a small distance.

    We have common friends (most which I love and are actually really good friends),take all classes together + extra art classes. I don’t know how to get out,how to cope with the loneliness after being 24/7 with someone. (On a side note,I also have some extremly good friends which always get my back and we have been friends for 5 years. The problem is they live pretty far away in the country and we rarely see each other face-to-face. So Orange and our common friends are the only people I hang out with in my city.)  Please give me some honest advice!

    April 4, 2019 at 1:24 pm #287619
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ingrid,

    You are never stuck.

    You can change the dynamic. You can say, for example, “I like Celtic music, get over it”. Then when Orange makes fun of that say, “There she is making fun of me again!” Be short and rude. A little out of character. She is used to being the dominant one. Again, change the script.

    You can say, “I’m not up for going out.” Then go out but without her. If she calls you on it truthfully say you changed your mind. It’s just that you needed a break from HER.

    You can hang out with your other friends more.

    The next time she makes fun of you in a group, go to the side to another girl and be obvious that you’re both talking about her. Stare at her until she meets your eyes, even if it takes five minutes, then immediately shake your head at her and roll your eyes. (I did this with my dad and I think it traumatized him LOL)

    If she makes fun of you or dismisses you alone, say, “I don’t like that” and leave the room.

    Anyway, that’s what helped me.

    Best,

    Inky

    April 5, 2019 at 11:41 am #287807
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ingrid:

    For me to understand better, and hopefully offer you helpful advice, I ask:

    – you mentioned a mental illness  (“Every time I tried to open up about my mental illness”). Would you like to elaborate about the nature of your mental illness and about what you told Orange about it?

    anita

     

    April 5, 2019 at 11:51 am #287813
    Ingrid
    Participant

    To be honest I’m not sure if she is necessarily the dominant one. And even if I act out of character,she wouldn’t even care and just defend her own points and herself,too selfish to handle.  I’ll use some of the stuff you told me and thanks a lot for the advice!

    April 5, 2019 at 11:55 am #287815
    Ingrid
    Participant

    About my mental ilness,I’ve always had an emotionally abusing sister,which made me lose most of my self confidence in myself,and so I naturally became a really anxious person. I told her everything about my sister and how she treated me.

    I have self harmed in the past and really hardly gone through a thick depression. I told her about that too.

    I am still really sensitive and honestly I wonder about my depression leaving. I have panic attacks everyday,which I can handle and never show but it should be pretty obvious to her….yet she never helped me

    When I told her about all that,she looked at me like I was out of my mind.

    April 5, 2019 at 12:21 pm #287823
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ingrid:

    You suffered abuse by your sister, and you suffer from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. You also self harmed (I hope you no longer do!)

    You told Orange about how your sister, your depression and self harm. You wrote about Orange: “There were many times when she said hurtful things” to you, that she made fun of you, judged you, and “never took (you)serious”. For the last month you and Orange “constantly argue at school” and you feel badly about yourself having her in your life. Yet, you and her take the same classes and all your friends are also her friends.

    My advice is that you see a school counselor, and if there is none in your school, then one of your teacher or an administrator who appears friendly and present to him or her your problem with Orange. Maybe a counselor or a teacher or an administrator in your school will be able and willing to help you, maybe he/ she will get you and Orange in the office and have a dialogue going regarding how to proceed.

    I don’t know if you see a counselor/therapist outside of school regarding your current family problems (ongoing abuse by your sister?), your anxiety and depression, as well as self harm. I hope you do, and if you dont, maybe the school counselor can refer you to such.

    anita

     

    April 8, 2019 at 3:47 am #288021
    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear Ingrid,

    I agree with everything Anita and Inky say above, but I will add this.

    You think you were the needy one in this ‘friendship’ with Orange when it first began. But actually, what I’m reading here is that she is the needy person, and she recognised, in you, someone who might be content to put up with her selfish needs without having to make any effort at being a good friend in return. You shared some really personal details about your life with her and there was no reaction, sympathy, empathy or anything. Yet she expected you to react and help her with every little drama in her life!

    Now she knows you’ve worked her out, she is kicking off, arguing with you at school and so on.

    What I would do is concentrate more on your other friends and put some distance between yourself and Orange.

    It’s hard when you think you have lost a friend, but in actual fact, you haven’t lost a friend, you have only lost a bad friendship.

    We go through our early life learning who are friends and who are not. It’s a learning process. You are getting it right! You are learning which friendships are worth keeping and which ones to let go of. You have learned not to be so open with your personal life details until you really know someone a lot better.

    People whom we have spent a lot of time with often leave a big gap in our lives when the friendship fades, and which leaves us feeling lonely for a while. This will pass. You will find other friends, other interests. Seek out those other friends in your group and push her out to the edge where she belongs.

    With best wishes,

    Jay

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